Get Your Kids to Listen With Positive Parenting Solutions


Baby: Welcome to my mom’s podcast.

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Katie: Hello and welcome to the “Valence Mama Podcast”. I am Katie from Wellsmama.com and Wellness.com. That’s the decent thing to do, and it should end there. This is our new line of personal care products that is non-toxic and highly effective. This episode is about how to get your kids to hear without hesitation, or screaming, or losing control because I’m here with Amy McCadry from Positive Parental Solutions. And I think if you have kids you will really enjoy this event. He is the founder of Positive Parental Solutions and the “7 Steps to Success”, a course I am currently preparing for this interview. She is also the best-selling author of two parent books. The first is called “If I have to tell you one more time” and “I, I, I have an epidemic.”

She is a regular contributor to the “Today” show and CBS, CNN, “Fox & Friends,” “Rachel Ray,” etc., and has helped thousands of families find happy home life and many parents happy, happy parents. Help provided. And in this episode, she offers a lot of practical strategies to navigate many of the things we are currently experiencing. When your children are very much at home, how to make them responsible for the autonomy of older children. Its “then” system of working without breaking into the house. For kids who want to actually do homework and school work without fighting, here are some tips to make it really fun and powerful. I think you will enjoy it as much as I did. So without further ado, let’s jump.

Amy, welcome. Thanks for coming here

Amy: Katie, thank you so much for keeping me. I’m glad to talk to you.

Katie: I’m so excited about this interview because everyone who listens is a parent. Most of my audience is mothers. And I think this title is always timely and helpful. But in particular, right now, a lot is going on, and with the onset of summer, and more at home for kids, I feel like the information you have is just as important to parents. So, I want to jump right now. This is something that I also have a few questions about, and I think you are more qualified to talk about it. So I keep my kids at home all the time because I go to school. And I hear from friends who are moms this time of year, like, “Oh, the kids will be home all week.” And they put pressure on him. So let’s start from there. What do you say to parents who are struggling to keep their children at home for long periods of time?

Amy: Well, I think it’s always hard when the kids are at home, in the heat, or on vacation, or whatever. And I think for parents, we have to give ourselves a little grace, and forgive ourselves. We can usually be a little less than that or we can lose our temper. And that’s fine. But the other thing to know is that there are some solid strategies that you can use all the time but especially, when the kids are at home, on vacation or on vacation or whatever, to help things run smoothly. Lets help check your routine. And if they can implement some of these basic things, they will have a lot of fun with their children at this time, their children will be treated better. Mom and Dad will feel better about this time together and family life will be much easier.

Katie: That makes sense. And I think even a start like that, like, I want to hear a little bit of your story because I’ve read it a little bit and I’m still going through a positive parenting solution. But have you always been this patient calm mother?

Amy: Hardly, hard. And maybe that’s what my parents don’t know about me until they hear my story. That’s what I call self-recovery. Because when my kids were little, I wanted to be a great mom. I have good kids and they are amazing but I find myself caught up in harassing and reminding my kids on a daily basis, and laughing and reminding, and laughing and reminding myself, and then I just Blow up And my screams weren’t once. It was a very daily thing and several times a day. And that’s how I’m really doing it now, that I’m going to feel so screaming, and I’m feeling very defeated and frustrated, and sometimes even angry with my kids, like The world in which I love more than anything. But I was not becoming my best self. And so it was when I started studying parenting strategy. And it was life-changing for our family, for me, personally, for our children. And my business background was actually in adult training. And that’s what I did for a living. So I mastered this training and thought, “I really think I can communicate these strategies to parents and teach them in a way that is fun and easy to implement.” And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. So to answer your question, no, I’m not a calm and very gentle person by nature. I’m type A, I’m in control, I’m in all the things that are brought to the worst in terms of children’s behavior. But, once you know the tools and strategies, you can definitely turn it around.

Katie: I like it. And, you know, I always hear the line that parenting doesn’t come with a guide. And I think that’s really true. But I also found out, just in the domestic aspect, I want to go deeper with you parents but I also had an experience where I was very overwhelmed and tired, and there was constant pressure at home, and I There was a business going on, and I was running my own house. And I stepped back and walked away, “Why is it so easy to run my business and I put so much pressure at home all the time? And I realized, at work, expectations were set. I had a system for things. Yes, I had a plan and goals and it was clearly explained. While at home, I was trying to keep everyone’s life in my head, eight people are above my head, plan all the meals , And just keep it all in your head at all times. So, from a domestic point of view, I felt that if I could have systems for my home, it would take the stress away a lot, and I still I’ll do it without putting so much pressure. And I’ll take care of the parents. You’ve probably discovered some of the same things that if you have a strategy, and a framework and its methods, it’s really you. Makes life easier, right?

Amy: Absolutely. And I was laughing to myself when you said, you know, your job came so easily and that’s what I got. I felt like I was out of my ability outside of my job, home job, but at home I felt like I was on fire. And I think, yes, you are right. When you put these actions into place and routine, and you have expectations for each one, it goes very smoothly. But one piece that happens to our children is that when we give place to action, and when we have rules, boundaries and all these things it is helpful but our task master nature actually does things with us. Tries to weaken Children. So I always talk about it, you know how much time we spend setting up, correcting and directing. It invites a struggle for power for our children. So the piece we have to remember at home is that we have to make sure that we deliberately create these opportunities for emotional communication. We are filling their buckets of attention because if we don’t do these things, the whole system may be in place, but if we are not doing this in times of emotional contact with our children, then we are doing it this way. Will come Attention-grabbing attitudes and power struggles, and it’s really going to feel like a lot more effort than it should be.

Katie: I like it. Can you give some examples? Because I feel like a lot of parents or at least speak from my own experience, I know you can get caught up in this cycle, my kids really need to do these things. They need help around the house, we are part of the family, and then you get stuck in reminding them and laughing at them. So give us some examples of stepping back and strengthening such emotional ties.

Amy: Yeah, so the funny thing is, you know, kids need these hard wires for emotional communication and attention. But they won’t come to you and say, “You know, Mom? I don’t think my bucket of attention is filling up right now. I don’t feel such a warm and fuzzy emotional connection with you.” “Unfortunately, the need is for them to present themselves as overly complex, and needy, and staring, and overly attentive, which has further frustrated us.” ۔ And again, these would mean that you have to spend for these processes. And just as our children have a bucket of attention, they also have a power bucket, which means they need to have an age-appropriate sense of autonomy and control over their lives. But again, they will not come to us and say, “You know, I feel like I need more control and decision-making opportunities.” They are about to dig their heels. They are retreating. They are resistant, back talk and that kind of thing. And I always remind parents that parental preferences are not the same as parental preferences.

So we want them to do as much work as we can, if we are not meeting their needs for this emotional connection, filling their bucket of attention and filling their bucket of strength. So they are continuing to resist. So the easiest thing is to spend only one time with your children on a daily basis, and it can be as short as 10 minutes. But in our positive parenting solution society, we call this mind, body and soul time because it reminds us of that 10 minutes, we are fully present in mind, body and soul with this child. And nothing matters, and you’re doing what the kid likes to do. So maybe it’s reading a chapter book, or playing Lagos, or jumping on a trampoline, that’s what a child loves. But in those few moments, you are giving them your 100% attention. They are creating that emotional bond with you. And the parents have just been blown away, Katie, how many cooperative children there are, they are willing to do all the things that are the parents’ priorities and not really the children’s priorities. But the bottom line is that when we meet their urgent emotional needs first, everything else becomes so much easier.

Katie: I like it. That’s a good thing. And I’ve seen this reference online. Like, you know, we have to remember as parents, especially as adults in these relationships, when kids work, they don’t try to be a problem, they have trouble. And if we can fix it and, as we look at their needs, and how we can address it, how it sees your child and the relationship with him changes completely. And I think it’s encouraging to hear that as a parent, you know, it shouldn’t be four hours a day for every child, which in my case wouldn’t be possible. You know, it’s like the real focus on quality goes so far. And I think I did it a little bit intuitively, one of my daughters, as she got older, I can tell she’s pulling back a bit and she’s a little more temperamental and safe. And so to connect with it on that level, I literally had to start hitting the pole. But now, like, it’s open and we’ve added a lot. But that’s exactly what you said. She found the things she wanted to do, and I’m willing to try, and not be good at it, which I think is another important lesson for parents. You know, like, let them see you out of their comfort zone and let them see you work through a difficult task because we help them work through the difficult things all the time. When these things need to be done, how does that translate to when they need to do their own laundry or dish or whatever? Do you find that they are just as willing to put in the time, are they just more willing, or is there a strategy you use to help them agree to do these things?

Amy: Well, just deliberately filling their bucket of attention every day, it’s almost like a magic bullet that they’re very cooperative, and easy to work with, and they’re willing to work. What they should have done. Now, we all know that there is no such thing as a parent’s silver bullet so you need some backup strategies. So one of the strategies I teach parents is called routine. And in the subsequent routine, this requires that the unit be packed before the most entertaining parts of the day. So whenever routine sounds like that. When you finish unloading the dishwasher, we can set aside our special time before lunch. So the hard thing they don’t want to do is before the more enjoyable work is done or when you finish school work or when you complete the family partnership, then you can have up to 30 minutes of technology time. Are So we always put the one thing in position before the more pleasant things. It is important to note that this is not a reward system. If you do, you can get it. This is something very different. In fact, we never advocate it.

But these are usually privileges, such as technology time that you allow to play with your friends or go out or even with our special time. When family chores go hand in hand with school work or whatever, you can enjoy it. But that’s the usual magic then. And of course, all your routines should be in the following format. So, in the morning, when the kids are going to school, we say they are going to school, when you are dressed, your bed is made, the hair is combed, the bag and lunch box are by the door. Yes, then we have breakfast and we can spend some special time before leaving for the bus. In the evening, when you take a shower, brush your teeth and get up in the morning, we will have our own special time before the light at 8:00. So sometimes you have to set a time limit at the end, but you can organize all your routines in one fashion at a time, and it’s amazing for parents that they are away from this business and the reminder business. Can get out Katie really does it beautifully.

Katie: That makes sense. And in fact, it’s probably his responsibility to do some of this or remind too much of your plate because if they ask, “Can I screen? Can I play outside?” جو کچھ بھی ، آپ کو صرف اتنا کہنا ہے ،” کیا تم نے یہ اچھا کیا؟ ” اور پھر یہ ان کی پسند اور ان کی ذمہ داری ہے۔ ایک حیران کن چیز جس کے بارے میں میں سوچ رہا ہوں وہ میرے بڑے بچوں کے ساتھ ہے۔ اس کے بارے میں کیا خیال ہے جب آپ بڑے بچے ملتے ہیں جو ون آن ون وقت میں نہیں کرنا چاہتے یا وہ پیچھے ہٹ رہے ہیں یا جیسے آپ جانتے ہو عام طور پر اتنا مشغول نہیں ہو رہے ہیں کیونکہ وہ مہربان ہیں اس عمر کو مارنے کی؟ آپ جذباتی طور پر ان کے ساتھ کیسے جڑ جاتے ہیں؟

امی: یہ ایک بہت بڑا سوال ہے۔ لہذا ، دماغ ، جسم اور روح کا وقت ، میں واقعتا. ہر عمر کے بچوں کی وکالت کرتا ہوں۔ لیکن بعض اوقات ہم اس کو مختلف انداز میں پوزیشن دیتے ہیں۔ لہذا تمام بچوں کے لئے ، اگر ممکن ہو تو ، میں اس کا لیبل لگانا پسند کرتا ہوں۔ لہذا اس کو کچھ کہتے ہیں ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، جیسن اور ماں کا وقت ، جسے بھی آپ فون کرنا چاہتے ہیں۔ اب ، بڑے بچوں کے ل you ، آپ اسے لیبل نہیں لگا سکتے ہیں۔ لہذا آپ نہیں چاہتے کہ یہ اس بڑے حصے میں بدل جائے ، جیسے آپ جانتے ہو ، جب وہ کہتے ہیں ، “ٹھیک ہے ، یہ جیفری اور ماں کا وقت ہے” تو وہ آنکھیں گھماتے ہیں۔ آپ محض اس کا کوئی بڑا اعلان کیے بغیر ہی اس کو انجام دیتے ہیں۔ اور اس طرح کبھی کبھی تو بس ان کے آس پاس رہتا ہے۔ لہذا اگر وہ کوئی کتاب پڑھ کر بیٹھے ہیں تو ، آپ اپنی کتاب کے ساتھ بیٹھ کر ان کے ساتھ پڑھیں۔ اور پھر اس کے بعد ، آپ کہہ سکتے ہیں ، “مجھے یہاں بیٹھنا آپ کے ساتھ پڑھنا اچھا لگتا ہے۔ یہ بہت عمدہ ہے۔ لہذا ہم پہلے سے اس کے بارے میں کوئی بڑی بات نہیں کرتے ہیں ، لیکن آپ جو کچھ بھی کررہے ہیں اس میں آپ سلائڈ کرتے ہیں۔ لیکن پھر آپ اسے صرف اتنے تھوڑی سے ختم کرواتے ہو، “آہ ، مجھے یہ وقت آپ کے ساتھ گزارنا اچھا لگتا ہے۔ یہ بہت مزے کی بات ہے۔

اور پھر دوسری چیز میں دلچسپی لینا ہے جس میں انہیں دلچسپی ہے۔ اور اس لئے اگر وہ فوٹو گرافی میں حتیٰ کہ یہاں تک کہ سوشل میڈیا ، جیسے آپ نے پہلے کہا تھا ، تو وہ آپ کو چیزیں سکھائیں۔ لہذا وہ آپ کو یہ سکھائیں کہ نئے پلیٹ فارم کو کس طرح استعمال کریں یا کیسے ، آپ جانتے ہو ، انسٹاگرام پر فوٹو کو صحیح طریقے سے انجام دیں اور ان سبھی قسم کی چیزیں جو بچے ہمارے مقابلے میں کہیں بہتر ہیں۔ اس کو جذباتی طور پر ان کے ساتھ مربوط ہونے کے موقع کے طور پر استعمال کریں۔ لیکن کنکشن کا وقت ابھی بھی نوعمروں کے لئے بہت اہم ہے۔ ہم اسے تھوڑا سا مختلف طریقے سے کرتے ہیں۔ دوسری چھوٹی چیز ، کیٹی ، یہاں تک کہ نو عمر افراد کے ل، بھی ، مجھے ان کے ساتھ کسی طرح کا ٹاک ان روٹین لگانا پسند ہے ، اگر آپ چاہیں۔ ایک بار پھر ، یہ آپ کے لکیروں سے مختلف نظر آئے گا۔ لیکن صرف کچھ کنکشن کا وقت جہاں آپ ان کے ساتھ صرف چند منٹ گزار رہے ہیں ، جڑ رہے ہیں ، دن کے بارے میں بات کر رہے ہیں ، جو کچھ بھی ہے۔ یہ بس اتنا طاقتور ہے اور بچے اس طرح کام کر سکتے ہیں جیسے وہ یہ نہیں چاہتے ہیں۔ ایک بار جب آپ اچھے معمول پر آجائیں تو وہ واقعی اس سے محبت کریں گے۔

کیٹی: یہ سمجھ میں آتا ہے۔ میں اسے ضرور دیکھ سکتا تھا۔ اور اس سے لے کر سپیکٹرم کے دوسرے سرے تک ، کم از کم ، میرے لئے ، چھوٹوں کے ساتھ ، مجھے ایسا لگتا ہے جیسے وہ مربوط ہونے میں آسان ہیں کیونکہ وہ کفالت ہیں۔ اور اگر آپ کوئی کتاب پڑھنا چاہتے ہیں ، یا وہ اس میں سے کوئی بھی لیگوس کھیلیں گے ، تو وہ اسے پسند کرتے ہیں۔ لیکن اس کے بعد آپ اس طرح جیسے ترترم یا پگھلنے والے مرحلے میں شامل ہوجاتے ہیں ، جہاں اس طرح ہوتا ہے ، جب آپ اس مرحلے میں ہوں تو آپ اس سائیکل کو کیسے توڑیں گے؟

ایمی: یہ نوجوانوں کے لئے کلاسیکی سوال ہے ، یہ یقینی طور پر ہے۔ لہذا ایک دو چیزیں ، آپ کو معلوم ہوگا کہ جب آپ روزانہ کی بنیاد پر ذہن ، جسم ، اور روحانی وقت کو مستقل طور پر کرنا شروع کریں گے تو ، ان خراشوں کے واقعات کی تعدد اور شدت کم ہوجائے گی۔ یہ بار بار ثابت ہوتا ہے۔ تو یہ پہلا ٹکڑا ہے۔ دوسرا ٹکڑا یہ ہے کہ جب یہ رنج ہوا ہے ، پھر ، تسلیم کریں کہ اس بچے کو مشکل ہو رہی ہے۔ یہ آپ کے بارے میں نہیں ہے ، بچے کو سخت مشکل سے گزر رہا ہے۔ لہذا سب سے اہم بات یہ ہے کہ آپ جڑیں ، وہاں ہوں ، اپنی سطح پر اتریں۔ آزمائش اور غلطی کے ذریعے ، معلوم کریں کہ اس لمحے میں اس بچے کی کیا مدد ہوگی ، ہمدردی کا مظاہرہ کریں ، پرسکون حکمت عملی ، سانس لینے کی تکنیک ، ان سبھی چیزوں سے جو دماغ اور جسم کو متحرک کرنے میں مدد دیتے ہیں۔ ہم ان چیزوں کو چھوٹی عمر میں ہی سکھانا شروع کر سکتے ہیں۔ ہمیں یہ پہچاننا ہوگا کہ یہ ایسی قسم کی مہارت ہیں جو بچوں کو سیکھنی ہیں۔ اور اس میں تھوڑا وقت لگتا ہے ، لیکن ہم اس عمل کو اسی وقت اور وہاں سے شروع کرسکتے ہیں۔ لیکن میں سوچتا ہوں کہ اگر ہم اسے دیکھتے ہیں ، جیسا کہ آپ نے پہلے کہا تھا کہ ، “اس بچے کو مشکل سے دوچار ہونا پڑ رہا ہے ،” اس کی بجائے یہ کہ یہ بد سلوکی کی جائے ، اس معاملے میں یہ ہمیں بالکل مختلف ذہنیت میں ڈالتا ہے کہ ہم اس بچے کا کیا جواب دیتے ہیں۔ اور یہ اس واقعے سے بچہ کتنی جلدی باہر آجائے گا یہ بالکل تبدیل ہوجائے گا۔

کیٹی: یہ سمجھ میں آتا ہے۔ ٹھیک ہے. تو ابتداء میں ، ہم معمول کے بارے میں تھوڑی بہت باتیں کرنے لگے۔ اور مجھے اس میں دوبارہ چکر لگانا پسند ہے ، خاص طور پر ایسے وقت جیسے جیسے موسم گرما میں بچے گھر ہوں اور نہ ہی اسکول کے سال کے معمول کے مطابق۔ کیا آپ مشورہ دیتے ہیں کہ گرمی کے دوران سخت رہنے اور معمول بنائے جانے کی ضرورت ہو یا اس طرح کے اوقات میں زیادہ نرمی کی جائے؟ آپ ان پر کس طرح تشریف لے جاتے ہیں؟

امی: ہاں ، تو میں معمول پر بڑا ہوں۔ مجھے نہیں لگتا کہ ہمیں عسکریت پسند بننا پڑے گا۔ لیکن میں سمجھتا ہوں کہ ایک روٹین ایک اہم ہے ، کیونکہ عام طور پر انسان ، لیکن خاص طور پر بچوں میں نظم و ضبط کا احساس ہوتا ہے۔ اور زیادہ تر بچے بہتر کام کرتے ہیں جب ان کے دن میں نظم و ضبط کا احساس ہوتا ہے۔ اور اس طرح اگر ہم عام معمولات کی پیروی کر سکتے ہیں جس کی پیروی کرتے ہیں تو ، واقعات کے ایک خاص ترتیب میں چیزیں وقوع پذیر ہوتی ہیں ، دن صرف اور آسانی سے گزرے گا۔ لہذا اگر آپ گھریلو تعلیم حاصل کررہے ہیں ، آپ جانتے ہو ، آپ کے پاس اس طرح کے مطابق آپ کا بلاک شیڈول ہے جس میں ہم ان بلاکس کے اندر کام کرتے ہیں اور بہت زیادہ لچک پیدا ہوسکتی ہے۔ لہذا اگر یہ تحریک ہے یا تخلیقی صلاحیتوں کا راستہ ، ہم اس میں جو کچھ کرتے ہیں وہ بہت لچکدار ہوسکتا ہے۔ کیٹی ، اگر آپ ہمارے ساتھ معمولات کی پیروی کرسکتے ہیں تو یہاں تک کہ گرمی کے دوران بھی ، آپ حیرت انگیز اور یاد دلانے والے کام نہیں کریں گے۔ اب ہم چاہتے ہیں کہ گرمیاں خوشی منائیں اور یہ سب کچھ ، لیکن کچھ چیزیں وہی رہ سکتی ہیں۔ لہذا بچوں میں خاندانی شراکت ہوتی ہے ، اور میں انہیں خاندانی شراکت کہتا ہوں ، کام کاج نہیں۔ اس کے بارے میں ہم بعد میں بات کرسکتے ہیں۔ لیکن ان میں خاندانی شراکت ہے جو وہ ہر روز کرتے ہیں۔ میں انتہائی مشورہ دیتا ہوں کہ سونے کے وقت ایک جیسے رہیں۔

اور سونے کے وقت مختلف ہوسکتے ہیں ، گرمیوں کے دوران ، اسکول کے سال کے مقابلے میں گرمی کے دوران وقت مختلف ہوسکتا ہے اگر وہ اسکول جاتے ہیں تو ، لیکن یہ ہر رات ایک جیسا ہونا چاہئے کیونکہ بچوں کی اندرونی گھڑیاں ، وہ اب بھی اسی مقدار میں نیند کی ضرورت ہے۔ ان کی داخلی گھڑیاں ہفتہ کی رات اور ایک منگل کی رات کے درمیان فرق کو نہیں پہچانتی ہیں۔ لہذا سوتے وقت بھی معمولات یکساں رکھنا والدین کے لئے محض بہت سے تناؤ اور اضطراب کو کم کرنے میں ایک لمبا سفر طے کرسکتا ہے۔ دوسری اہم وجہ جو اہم ہے وہ یہ ہے کہ اگر سونے کا وقت ایک رات 8:00 بجے ، اگلی صبح 8:30 بجے ، اور اگلی صبح 9:00 بجے ہو تو ، آپ کے پاس واقعی سونے کا معمول نہیں ہے۔ آپ کے پاس سونے کا وقت نہیں ہے۔ لہذا یہ ہر رات مذاکرات کے قابل بن جاتا ہے اور یہ اس طاقت کی جدوجہد میں بدل سکتا ہے۔ لہذا یہاں تک کہ گرمیوں کی تعطیلات یا چھٹیوں کے دوران بھی ، یا جب ہم دوسرے وجوہات کی بناء پر گھر میں ہوتے ہیں تو ، جتنا ہم اپنے معمول کو برقرار رکھ سکتے ہیں ، اس سے والدین کے لئے چیزیں بہت آسان ہوجاتی ہیں اور بچوں کے لئے بہت آسان ہوجاتا ہے۔

کیٹی: گوٹا ٹھیک ہے. اور مجھے خوشی ہے کہ آپ نے سونے کا وقت پالا ہے کیونکہ مجھے لگتا ہے کہ یہ دوسرا علاقہ ہے جہاں والدین کو بہت مشکل ہو سکتی ہے اور ایسا لگتا ہے کہ اس میں تبدیلی آتی ہے۔ کم از کم میرے گھر میں ، چھوٹے بچے ، انہیں بستر پر سونے ، بستر پر رہنے ، اور پھر انھیں پانی کی ضرورت ہوتی ہے ، اور انھیں باتھ روم جانے کی ضرورت ہوتی ہے ، اور پھر انھیں بری طرح سے تکلیف ہوتی ہے۔ خواب ہو یا کچھ بھی ہو ، سب چیزیں شاید۔ میرے بڑے افراد کے ساتھ ، یہ اور بھی بہت کچھ ہے ، وہ صرف یہ چاہتے رہتے ہیں کہ زیادہ دیر تک پڑھیں۔ لیکن سونے کے وقت اور تمام مختلف عمروں کو نیویگیٹ کرنے اور اس کو نافذ کرنے کے لئے کوئی حکمت عملی لڑائی بنائے بغیر؟

امی: ہاں ، تاکہ ہم صرف سوتے وقت ایک پورا گھنٹہ بات کرسکیں۔ یہاں احاطہ کرنے کے لئے بہت کچھ ہے ، لیکن صرف کچھ عام رہنما خطوط۔ لہذا آپ نے تمام درخواستوں ، پانی پینے ، ایک اور گلے لگانے ، ان تمام قسم کی درخواستوں کے بارے میں بات کی جو آپ کو سونے کے معمول کے دوران ملتے ہیں۔ میرا مشورہ ہے کہ آپ اپنے بچوں کے ساتھ دوبارہ نظرثانی کریں کہ معمول کی طرح ہے۔ تو وہ ساری چیزیں جو انہوں نے آپ سے پوچھیں معمول کے مطابق بنائیں۔ اور لہذا ہم فیصلہ کرتے ہیں کہ ، آپ جانتے ہو ، روشنی 7:30 یا 8:00 بجے ہے یا جو بھی وقت ہے ، اور پھر وہ ساری چیزیں ، وہ اضافی چومنا ، اور پانی پینا ، اور پیچھے کی چیزیں ، سب وہ چیزیں معمول کے اندر ہی ہوتی ہیں۔ ایک بار آپ نے دروازہ بند کرلیا ، بس۔ اب ، آپ آگے کی تیاری کر سکتے ہیں۔ جیسے ، آپ کمرے میں ایک چپٹا کپ رکھ سکتے ہیں جس کے ساتھ آپ جانتے ہو کہ اس میں تھوڑا سا تھوڑا سا پانی بھی ہے۔ لہذا اگر وہ رات کے وسط میں پیاس لگ جائیں ، تو وہ اسے وہاں رکھیں گے۔ لیکن ایک بار جب دروازہ بند ہوجاتا ہے تو بس۔ اب تربیت کا ایک بہت عمل ہے جس کی مدد سے ہم والدین کی طرح تشریف لے جانے میں مدد کرتے ہیں تاکہ یہ طاقت کی بڑی جدوجہد میں تبدیل نہ ہو۔ لیکن آپ کیا جانتے ہیں کہ ہم پوری رات ان درخواستوں کے ساتھ جواب دیتے ہیں کیونکہ والدین کو کبھی وقفہ نہیں ملتا ہے۔ وہ تھک چکے ہیں۔ وہ سوتے وقت کے معمولات کو خوفزدہ کرتے ہیں۔

اور یہ ایک بڑی طاقت کی جدوجہد ہے۔ دوسری چیز جس کی میں تجویز کرتا ہوں وہ یہ ہے کہ وقت کے مطابق ، ایک والدین اور ایک بچہ بنیں ، اس کے بجائے ، آپ جانتے ہو ، ہم سب کے ساتھ کتابیں ساتھ ساتھ پڑھتے ہیں ، ہم سب کے ساتھ مل کر دعائیں کرتے ہیں ، ان سب چیزوں کو۔ اگرچہ یہ موثر ہے ، لیکن یہ واقعی ان کی توجہ کی بالٹی کو نہیں بھرتا ہے۔ اور دوسرا مسئلہ یہ ہے کہ جب آپ ہوں ، آپ جانتے ہو ، دو بچے اور ایک والدین ، ​​اس طرح کی پیک ذہنیت قائم کرسکتے ہیں اور وہ کام کرنا شروع کردیتے ہیں ، اور یہ مشکل ہوسکتا ہے۔ لہذا آپ جتنا زیادہ ایک والدین ، ​​ایک بچہ کام کرنے کے معمول کے ل do کرسکتے ہیں ، اس کا مطلب ہے کہ آپ حیران رہ جائیں گے ، اس سے آپ کو بہتر نتائج ملیں گے۔ پھر بڑے بچوں کے لئے ، یہ ان کے ساتھ کام کرنے کی طرح ہے۔ آپ جانتے ہیں ، اگر ان کے پاس پڑھنے کے لئے زیادہ وقت چاہئے ، تو یہ ٹھیک ہے۔ لیکن پھر بھی وقت گزرتا ہے جس کا آپ احترام کرتے ہیں۔ یقینی طور پر ، ہمارے پاس سونے سے بہت پہلے ، ٹکنالوجی لائٹس لگنا چاہتی ہیں ، تاکہ وہ سونے سے پہلے بہت سی ٹکنالوجی نہیں کر رہے ہیں۔ سو ، سونے کے وقت کے معمول میں بہت سی چیزوں پر غور کرنا ، اس بات پر منحصر ہے کہ بچے کی عمر ، والدین کی ترجیحات اور ہم کس طرح کی طاقت سے لڑ رہے ہیں۔

کیٹی: گوٹا اور مجھے خوشی ہے کہ آپ نے ٹکنالوجی کو بھی فروغ دیا کیونکہ یقینا area یہ ایک ایسا علاقہ ہے جس کے بارے میں مجھے لگتا ہے کہ ہماری نسل کی طرح بچوں کے ساتھ ہینڈل کرنے کا اندازہ لگاتی ہے۔ کیونکہ ، کم از کم ، میرے نزدیک ، جب ابھی میں نوعمر تھا ، اس کے ارد گرد آنا شروع ہوا تھا۔ تو یہ واقعی نہیں تھا… جیسے ، اس وقت کوئی سوشل میڈیا نہیں تھا۔ میرے والدین کو واقعی یہ اندازہ کرنے کی ضرورت نہیں تھی کہ اس پر کیسے تشریف لائیں۔ اور اب ، ہمارے پاس ان آلات کے ساتھ بچے ہیں اور وہ ٹیکنالوجی کے ذریعہ دنیا سے جڑے ہوئے ہیں ، جس کے بہت سے فوائد ہیں اور یقینی طور پر یہ دور نہیں ہورہے ہیں۔ اور بطور بالغ ، انھیں یہ جاننے کی ضرورت ہوگی کہ ٹیکنالوجی کو کس طرح چلائیں۔ لیکن والدین کی حیثیت سے ، ہماری ذمہ داری عائد ہوتی ہے کہ ہم انہیں ذمہ داری کے ساتھ اس پر تشریف لانا سیکھائیں اور اسے اپنی خاندانی زندگی کو اپنے ہاتھ میں نہ لینے دیں۔ اور نیز ، اس سے پہلے کہ ہم اس طرح کے کسی بھی مضمون میں کود پائیں ، میں یہ بھی کہنا چاہتا ہوں کہ مجھے احساس ہے کہ یہ الگ ہے ، مجھے یقین ہے کہ ہر خاندان میں ہے اور ایسے وقت بھی آتے ہیں جہاں بچے اسکول کے کام کے لئے یا دوسری چیزوں کے لئے ٹکنالوجی استعمال کر رہے ہیں۔ لہذا میں کوشش نہیں کر رہا ہوں جیسے ، poo ٹکنالوجی بالکل۔ میں صرف شوقین ہوں ، کیا آپ کے پاس مختلف مختلف مراحل میں مناسب طریقے سے ٹکنالوجی پر تشریف لے کرنے کے لئے کوئی رہنما اصول ہے؟

ایمی: ہاں ، یہ ضروری ہے کہ آپ واقعی اس کے بارے میں کچھ سوچیں کیونکہ آپ کے بچے ٹھیک ہیں ، چاہے وہ ریموٹ اسکول کی تعلیم حاصل کر رہے ہوں ، آپ جانتے ہو ، ان کے پاس ایسی ٹکنالوجی ہے جو وہ اس کے لئے استعمال کررہے ہیں۔ اور والدین کی حیثیت سے ہم اس کے بارے میں بہت کچھ نہیں کرسکتے ہیں۔ لیکن اس میں بہت ساری بات ہے جسے میں تفریحی ٹکنالوجی کا وقت کہتے ہیں جو بچے گزار رہے ہیں اور ہمارے پاس اس کی کچھ حدود ڈالنے کی ذمہ داری عائد ہوتی ہے۔ ہماری ذمہ داری ہے کہ ہم اس کے آس پاس تربیت کریں۔ لہذا ، یہ سب کے لئے مفت نہیں ہوسکتا ہے ، یہ آپ جانتے ہیں ، کہ سارا دن انھیں تکنالوجی تک رسائی حاصل ہوسکتی ہے۔ لہذا ، ایک بار پھر ، یہ آپ کے بچوں کی عمر پر منحصر ہے۔ لیکن پہلے میں تجویز کرتا ہوں کہ آپ اس وقت کے معمول کی ٹیم کو ٹکنالوجی کا حصہ بنائیں جس کے بارے میں ہم نے پہلے بات کی ہے۔ لہذا جب آپ کے خاندانی شراکت مکمل ہوجائیں ، تب آپ اپنے ٹکنالوجی کا وقت نکال سکتے ہیں۔ ہم یہ بھی واضح کرنا چاہتے ہیں کہ جب ٹکنالوجی کا وقت ختم ہوجاتا ہے تو ہم اسے دور کردیتے ہیں اور پھر یہ ختم ہوجاتا ہے۔ اگر بہت ساری گرفت ہو ، یا کراہنا ہو ، یا شکایت ہو ، یا ، “ماں ، کیا میرے پاس صرف پانچ منٹ اور زیادہ ہوسکتے ہیں؟” اور اگر یہ روزانہ طاقت کی جدوجہد میں بدل جاتا ہے ، تو یہ کام نہیں کر رہا ہے۔ اور اس طرح یہ آپ کو بتاتا ہے کہ شاید وہ بچہ اس ٹکنالوجی کے استحکام کو سنبھالنے کے ل enough بالغ نہیں ہوسکتا ہے۔ اور ہم واقعتا a کچھ دیر کے لئے اس سے پیچھے ہٹنا چاہتے ہیں ، یا ہمیں مزید تربیت یا جو کچھ بھی ہونے کی ضرورت ہوسکتی ہے۔

لیکن یہ ایسی صورتحال میں تبدیل نہیں ہوسکتا جہاں والدین ٹیکنالوجی پولیس ہوں اور ہر دن لڑائی ہوتی ہے کیونکہ یہ کسی کے لئے کام نہیں کررہا ہے۔ لہذا ہم ان حدود کو اپنی جگہ پر رکھیں گے۔ اگر بچے ان اصولوں پر عمل نہیں کرسکتے ہیں جو آپ نے اپنی دانشمندی کی بنا پر مرتب کیں اور جو آپ جانتے ہو وہ ان کی جذباتی فلاح و بہبود اور حفاظت کے لئے موزوں ہے ، اگر وہ ان اصولوں پر عمل نہیں کرسکتے ہیں ، تو پھر ان تک رسائی نہیں ہوگی۔ ٹیکنالوجی. اور والدین کے ساتھ کام کرتے ہوئے ، میں سمجھتا ہوں کہ یہ سب سے مشکل چیزوں میں سے ایک ہے ، کیٹی ، کیونکہ والدین اپنے بچوں کے قہر سے ڈرتے ہیں جب وہ ٹیکنالوجی کو محدود کرتے ہیں۔ اور اس لئے وہ اس کے چاروں طرف حدود ڈالنے سے خوفزدہ ہیں اور پھر یہ سب کے لئے مفت میں بدل جاتا ہے۔ تو ہمیں یہ کرنا ہے۔ اگر بچے قواعد پر عمل پیرا ہوسکتے ہیں ، تو پھر ان تک ٹیکنالوجی تک رسائی حاصل ہوسکتی ہے کیونکہ یہ ایک اعزاز کی بات ہے۔ یہ حق نہیں ہے۔ دوسری چیز یہ ہے کہ تربیت کا ٹکڑا واقعی اہم ہے۔ آپ بغیر کسی تربیت کے اپنے بچے کو کار میں باہر نہیں بھیجیں گے۔ ٹھیک ہے ، ٹیکنالوجی کے لئے بھی یہی ہے۔ لہذا انہیں سکھائیں کہ اس کو ذمہ داری کے ساتھ کیسے استعمال کیا جائے۔ اور اس کے لئے بہت سارے آن لائن وسائل موجود ہیں ، سوشل میڈیا کو ذمہ داری کے ساتھ کیسے استعمال کیا جائے ، اپنے ڈیجیٹل زیر اثر کی تربیت۔ ان تمام قسم کی چیزیں واقعی اہم ہیں۔ یہ ہمارا کام ہے۔ اور اسی طرح اگر ہم ان کو یہ ٹکنالوجی رکھنے کی اجازت دے رہے ہیں تو ہمیں اس بات کو یقینی بنانا ہوگا کہ ہم تربیت کے لئے بھی احتیاط برتیں۔

کیٹی: گوٹا ٹھیک ہے. میرے خیال میں وہ بہترین رہنما خطوط ہیں۔ Another thing that seems to be an issue with certain parent-kid dynamics is back talking or acting sassy with parents. Any strategies for that? I would guess like everything we’ve talked about, probably the one-on-one time helps and just having natural consequences and systems built-in so you’re not constantly nagging, means there’s fewer times for that, but any other strategies or ways that you navigate?

Amy: You’re right, Katie, that’s probably the number one thing that parents bring to me us, like, the problem behavior, it’s that backtalk, and sassiness, and attitude. But the thing that we have to remember and we talked about this kind of at the beginning is that that is the symptom. It’s not the real problem. So if we can think about the backtalk as the symptom and not, like, that’s not the thing that we have to fix, we want to address the root cause of the behavior. And so as you said, we can do that by filling their attention bucket one-on-one every single day. That is essential. And again, if there’s a magic bullet in parenting, that is it. We also wanna be aware of our communication, and how much ordering, correcting, and directing that we do. One of the things that I teach to parents in our program is a parent personality assessment programs so, like, to figure out how your personality brings out certain behaviors in your kids. So for me, my personality is super controlling, naturally. So if I allow my natural controlling Miss Bossypants tendencies to show too much, I’ll naturally get power struggles. So for parents, they can learn how to sort of tweak their natural responses, so they do less ordering, correcting, and directing, and then use other tools that will get better cooperation. That will help reduce the backtalk.

When that does happen, again, remember that the child is having difficulty. There’s something else going on. So to show grace and empathize with that child. “Wow, you seem really frustrated. Wow, I can tell you are really mad about this.” Empathize with whatever it is they’re being sassy about, forget the sassiness for a minute and get to, like, what the theme is that they’re really upset about and show empathy with that. We’re gonna be much more likely to get through that if, again, we connect on that emotional level. The other thing that we can do is recognize that the backtalk, the sassiness, those are power behaviors. So when kids are exerting their power behaviors, it is usually an indication that they’re not feeling enough personal control, power autonomy over their own world. So there are strategies we can use for that. A simple one is giving them more decision-making opportunities. So think about areas in your family life, where you can get kids more involved in making decisions. Maybe it’s meal planning for the week. If the family is taking a vacation several months from now, get them involved in that. The more that they can have real-world decision-making opportunity, that is gonna really help their power bucket. And then the last thing that I would say and this is the hardest, Katie, is don’t take the bait.

When kids kind of serve up that sassy remark, that backtalk remark, it is so instinctive for us to respond with power, “You will not speak to me that way.” You know, “I demand respect,” or whatever the words are that you would say. But when we do that, it totally escalates the power struggle. So instead, if we can refuse to take the bait and just say with a smile and in a calm voice, say, “Sweetie, I’d love you too much to argue about this. Let’s talk about this when we’re both feeling more calm.” But just that smile on your face in a calm voice, “I love you too much to argue about this,” it just diffuses it. It says, “I’m not gonna engage in this power struggle. I’m not accepting your invitation and we’ll talk about this later. Whatever it is that you’re upset about, that’s important to me but I’m not gonna get into a battle with you.” So, again, I keep saying this, but we could talk for just a whole hour on backtalk, and attitude, and sassiness. But just sort of remembering those core issues of why it’s happening in the first place and addressing that will be our best strategy.

Katie: Yeah, I think you’re so right. It’s important to reframe that and I really also liked that you brought up the control autonomy dynamic because I’m just in the early stages of having to navigate this. So I’m by no means an expert. But it is something I think a lot about right now, just having a teenager and soon to have another teenager, and remembering what it was like to be a teenager as well. And I’ve read enough psychology to know, kids in that age, especially once they hit the teenage years, psychologically, they actually are trying to become more independent. And that’s an important psychological stage for them, as they’re preparing for adulthood. And also, as parents, we, of course, want them to be prepared for adulthood, and to have the skills, and the foundation they need to be independent, and to live outside our homes. And I’m seeing firsthand and definitely understand how difficult that is because at the end of the day, like, I still think of my oldest as my baby even though he’s almost as tall as I am. But realizing they do need to learn to have that autonomy and to feel control over and an ability to make their own decisions. In our house, we turn this thing on its head. So most people have heard the saying, “With great power comes great responsibility.” And we tell our kids, it actually works the other way. “With great responsibility comes great power.” When you show us that you’re responsible, we want to give you freedom, and we want to give you the power to make decisions. And so we have constant conversations around that. But just because it’s so top of mind, for me, right now, I’m curious, are there any, like, guidelines or ideas that you have for navigating with teenagers when certain levels of autonomy are appropriate or is it very much case by case based on the maturity level of the child and the relationship with the parent or how do you handle that?

Amy: First off, I just love what you just said, “With great responsibility comes great power.” That’s amazing. The other thing that I just want our listeners to remember is that this issue about needing more autonomy and control is absolutely an issue with teenagers. But it is the exact same thing with your two-years-old, three-years-old, six-years-old It doesn’t matter. Every kid at every stage has a need for autonomy and control. So I just don’t want people to think that we need to wait until the teen years to be thinking about this. But let’s talk specifically about what you asked when we want kids to be prepared to be successful in the adult world. And so we have to do our job to train them. So part of that is on an ongoing basis, always training them on tasks that they’ll need to do in the adult world, whether that’s managing their money, or changing air filters in the house, or car maintenance, or gardening, or whatever those things are, we always wanna be training them on adult tasks, so that when they leave the house, they’ll be prepared. But in terms of taking on more responsibility, one of the tools that I just love is called Convince Me. And this tool would apply when your kids wanna do something. Maybe they want to…you know, it’s a middle school or who wants to go to the mall on their own with friends, or somebody wants to go to a concert in the next town, or start driving, or whatever it happens to be, it is something that your kids wanna do that you’re a little bit, like, “I’m just not totally sure I’m ready for that.”

So you will use the tool to Convince Me. And so the way that works is you would share your concerns. So you would say, “You know, I understand that this is really important to you. Let me share my concerns about you going to the concert, or going to the mall, or riding your bike to school,” whatever that happens to be. These are my concerns. “So why don’t you take some time and think about this, and come back to me with your plan to address my concerns?” And so that’s what the kid does. They take some time, and then they come back, and they try to convince you if you will, but they do it in a way that takes all of your concerns into consideration, and then they share the plan that they’ve come up with. And so then, if you are comfortable with the plan that they’ve put forth, you can say, “Okay, I feel comfortable with that. It seems to me that you’ve thought through all of the possible things that could go wrong, you have a backup plan in place. That sounds great, let’s go ahead and, you know, do whatever you’ve asked to do.” And then you see how that goes. If they do well, then that makes you think, “Wow, yes, you know, he did a really good job by taking on this additional responsibility. And now I feel comfortable giving him more responsibility in the future.” Or if not, if it didn’t go so well, well, then that tells you, you’ve got more training to do.

We have more work to do in terms of responsibility. But the reason that I love this is because it requires the child to understand your point of view. So we’re fostering that empathy. And then they have to use their reasoning, and decision-making, and planning skills to come up with something to convince you that would address all of your concerns, but still, let them get the outcome that they want. And so it’s just a great strategy for adult life, right? We’ll be doing the same thing in our jobs or in group projects in college, or whatever, and you can start doing this really, as young as six or seven. Obviously, the problems and the issues will be different. But you can use these strategies, you know, all the way through into the teen years. And it’s great for kids and it’s great for parents.

Katie: That’s so great. I’m writing that one down to remember for sure because, you’re right, it puts the control actually in their hands. They’re getting to have a chance. And it removes all those things I used to say as teenagers, like, “You don’t understand or you don’t listen to me,” or whatever it is because you are listening as well, like you said, and then you’re having them pull from skills that will serve them their entire lives to develop, and potentially be able to get the outcome they want if they are able to do that effectively, which I love. I think there’s also crossover here when it comes to schoolwork or homework and how to navigate that. I’ve personally always taken the approach that even though I homeschool teach them, I’ll teach the concept but I’m not going to handhold, and babysit, and go through every problem with them. That’s school, that’s actually their work and I want them to learn how to kind of autonomously work through it themselves. And I feel like we have a good rhythm on this because we’ve been home homeschooling for so long, but I hear from a lot of parents who say things like, “It’s just getting to be so much. I have five hours of homework with my kid every single night after school where I spend, you know, three hours trying to get my first grader to do worksheets.” And any advice for parents who are trying to navigate that.

Amy: Yeah, so that can be a real challenge and I totally feel for parents, especially if you have multiple kids, but there are some simple sorts of things that you can put in place to avoid that. First as with all things, you will be successful with homework and schoolwork if you have filled their attention bucket first. So yeah, if your kids are coming home after school, take that time to connect emotionally first before you start being the taskmaster and start with, “Okay, we have to get the homework done and what are your assignments,” and all of that, start with connection first. It makes everything else go more smoothly. The next thing is, have some homework policies in place. So one of your policies can be, “I am happy to help you with anything that you need in your homework, as long as you’ve done as much as you can on your own. And then you can come to me and let me know what you still need help with. Now, when you come to me and let me know where you’re having trouble, I wanna know your thought process for trying to figure this out.” So basically, Katie, I don’t want them coming and saying, “I just can’t do this. This is too hard.” I wanna know, “Okay, on number seven, I see this problem, tell me your thought process for going through it and where did you struggle?” That way, I know they’ve put some time into it. And they’re not just playing the helpless card. The other thing is, have homework help hours. So that means I’m willing to help you with your homework from 5:30 to 8:30. After that, I’m too tired, you know, that’s not gonna work for me. So have homework help hours, like your office hours, if you will.

That gets you out of the situation where they’re coming at, you know, 9:30 at night, “I can’t do this. And it’s due tomorrow.” And so really put your homework help policies in place. Again, I tell parents, “You’ve already done the fifth grade. Your job is not to sit there and you know, side by side with your child, while they complete their homework and you being involved in it.” As you said, you want them to be doing that autonomously. You’re certainly there to support but it’s not your job. I would also have a talk with the teacher and let the teacher know that you are working on training for responsibility in your home. And so you will be there to support your child in doing their homework if they need help, but you’re not gonna cook some prod and that sort of thing. And so that then allows the natural consequences to play out. So if the kid doesn’t get the homework done, then that’s a discussion they’re having with the teacher and you can stay out of it. I think, Katie, where we run into trouble is, parents feel like, “I’m gonna look like a terrible parent if my kid doesn’t get their homework done.” Let the kid experience the natural consequences at school, that’s gonna be much more effective and it’s gonna keep you out of the role of the bad guy. Obviously, if there is a learning difference or an attention difference are other interventions that are required, you can, you know, work with the teacher and the clinicians, and whoever is on your team to do that. But they should be autonomously doing their homework, just as you suggested.

Katie: Yeah, I’m a big fan of natural consequences as well. And I’ve never heard it framed as well as you did with when and then, which I think is that just the language of that is wonderful because it avoids the power struggle and it lets them easily understand it in literally two words, that this happens when you’ve done this. But you’re right, I think that there’s been a shift at least it seems like. Obviously, I’ve only parented this current generation, but it seems like there’s a shift even since I was a kid of trying to protect kids from natural consequences. We’re not wanting them to have to feel the discomfort of not getting a good grade at school or facing something that’s difficult. And it’s funny because I don’t think my parents had those same fears. I always knew I had to get my schoolwork done. And if I messed up at school, I was gonna get in trouble at school. They certainly weren’t gonna save me. And then I was gonna get in trouble when I got home too. But there does seem to be at least a little bit more protecting kids from natural consequences. What other ways can we gently and lovingly incorporate those natural consequences? Because I feel like as adults, that’s something we all deal with very much every single day, if we don’t do our jobs, if we don’t take care of our houses, if we don’t do any of the things that adults have to do. There are very, very real natural consequences. So how can we let our kids start learning that from the earliest of ages?

Amy: Yes, absolutely. In fact, Katie, you’re doing our course right now so you’ll be getting to this in step 3, where we talk about creating a consequential environment. If we don’t create a consequential environment at home, our kids are really gonna struggle when they’re out on their own and have to face consequences for the first time. So, you know, from the younger years, all the way up through the teens, we have to create that consequential environment. And some of those come from, like, natural consequences. Well, if you refuse to take your coat to school, you may be cold outside at recess. It’s the middle of winter, that’s just a natural consequence. But then there’s also consequences around personal responsibility. So you mentioned homework is one of them, that if you don’t get your homework done, then you’re gonna have to face the consequences with your teacher. One of the things that we talk about is implementing a no rescue policy. And a no rescue policy is for areas in which we’ve been through this a million times, whether it’s remembering your lunchbox and remembering the homework, or your sports equipment, or whatever it is, we’ve talked about this, we’ve trained on it, I’ve already rescued you, probably more times than I should have. But now I know that it’s time to implement the no rescue policy. And so that starts with training. And we always kind of position it in a very positive way because marketing is everything. “You know, you are really growing up and you’re becoming so responsible in so many ways. And so now this is an area where you can take responsibility.” So let’s say it’s the sports equipment. “So from now on, you’re gonna be responsible for packing your sports bag and remembering to take it, making sure you have your uniform, and your cleats, and all the equipment.

I’m not gonna get involved in that anymore. I’m not gonna remind you, that is gonna be your responsibility. And if you choose not to take that responsibility, if you don’t have your stuff ready, if you forget your stuff, I’m not gonna be driving it to the field.” So what that means, Katie, is, you know, I’ve taken time for training… Oh, and also part of this has to do with systems. So I would say since I’m not gonna be reminding you about this anymore, what systems do you need to put in place so you can remember what you need to do for soccer or for your homework or whatever it happens to be? So we’ve done the training, we’ve put the systems in place, we’ve sort of set the expectation that we’re not gonna rescue, now we have to let it play out and let the child experience the consequence. Again, bring the coach or the teacher into the loop, if that makes you feel better, so they know you’re not a slacker parent, but in fact, you’re teaching responsibility. And if he shows up without his equipment, you know, you encourage the coach to implement the consequences that he has in place. So it’s implementing that no rescue policy. It’s not for a once in a blue moon mistake, we all make those and as a family, we have each other’s back. We help each other out. But for ongoing consistent issues that we have talked about, then we know it’s time for the no rescue policy. So that’s one example and many examples of how to create a decision rich environment for your kids that are going to set them up to be accountable, responsible for their own choices and to be successful functioning in a teen and in an adult world.

Katie: Got it. And I also wanna hear the explanation because you use the word family contributions, which I love because I think chores has a negative connotation. And adults don’t do chores, we just contribute to the family as well. But I’d love to hear, like, how you first of all came up with that term and how you use that because I think it’s such a great alternative.

Amy: Yeah, it’s so funny you asked how I came up with that term, and I actually don’t have any idea. I don’t remember how I came up with it. But you’re right, the word chores just denotes drudgery. Nobody wants to do chores. That sounds awful. And when you call those things family contributions, it doesn’t make the task any more enjoyable. Nobody enjoys folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. But it does reinforce to your kids that when you do those things, it makes a difference for our family. And again, part of that power bucket that I talked about is a feeling of significance. We all have a hard-wired need to make a difference, to be significant, to contribute to the greater good. And so for a child or a teenager, the greater good is their family. And so when they are doing those things, they are contributing. So I highly recommend that parents change the language on that. I will tell you, Katie, to this day, my kids still roll their eyes a little bit when I say family contributions. But that doesn’t stop me one bit, I still call them that because when they contribute, it makes a difference. And the other piece of that is that we need to remind our kids what a difference their efforts make. And this applies to your partner too. Even though it’s their regular job, let them know, “When you do that, that makes such a difference for me. That makes our home runs so much more smoothly. That’s a big job that I don’t have to do.” We have to remember on an ongoing basis to let our people know how much we appreciate their contributions because that makes them feel better about it. When they know that their efforts are making a difference for you, they’re gonna be more likely to want to do it in the future.

Katie: That makes sense. Yeah. And it’s a great reminder. A lot of these things, just even our language, and our reframing, and making time for one-on-one connection, those are all such important things with our partner too, not just with our kids. Yeah, I think those are such helpful things.

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I’d also love to hear because I know you’ve worked with probably now thousands of families. For people listening who are wondering like, “This all sounds great, and it makes sense. But does it actually work? And do you really see a big difference? And how long does it take?” So can you talk about kind of what is the typical path that someone’s family will see when they start implementing these things, but maybe tell us a couple of stories of families that have used these strategies and how that changed their lives?

Amy: Oh, my goodness, I could go on forever. But so there are some changes that you see immediately and some that take a little bit longer. So I’ll give you a couple of examples. The mind, body, and soul time that I mentioned, that tool about one-on-one time every single day, you will see a difference in your kid’s behavior in one or two days, promise. Like as I said, if there’s such thing as a magic bullet, that is it because it is getting to their core emotional needs. So that change you see right away. Now in the work that I do with parents, I like to make it really easy for them. So I teach it kind of in a step-by-step pattern. So you implement one tool, and then you build on it with the next and the next. And with each tool that you implement, you are getting better and better results. And that makes sense because all of the tools focus on giving kids the positive power that they have to have. But then also, the other tools are intended to sort of diffuse those power struggles, but in a way that’s more positive than we’ve done before. So the more you use the tools, in general, the behavior gets better and better. So with the mind, body, and soul time, you’ll see that right away. Now with sibling rivalry and fighting, that takes a little bit longer to implement and to see the results. You’ll see some initial results right away, but it won’t solve every single thing in the first week, of course. And the reason for that is so for you, you have a 13-year-old, your oldest is 13, Katie, what’s the age of your next child?

Katie: Eleven, almost 12.

Amy: Okay. So between those two kids, there’s 11 years of baggage or competition, rumblings, that have sort of been baked into the relationship. And so that’s an example that takes just a little bit longer to resolve because we have to teach kids the conflict resolution strategies and we kind of have to work at some of that victim competition that naturally happens because, right, the day that you bring that second baby home from the hospital, there’s some competition that is just baked in. That’s just the way it works. So those types of behaviors may take a little bit longer to turn around. But in terms of transformation, I would encourage your listeners to go and read our Google reviews, our five star Google reviews, the transformation is just amazing. And it’s parents who felt like they were failing at their most important job, they feel like they’re not even cut out for parenthood, they feel like they’re not meeting their kid’s needs like every day. It just is a cycle of frustration and guilt. And they just feel extremely discouraged. And then they start implementing the tools and things start to turn around. So we have so many success stories, whether it’s on, you know, getting your kids to sleep through the night, whether it’s the sibling thing that I talked about, whether it’s just the emotional connection with your kids, reducing the power struggles.

There are so many transformations. But, you know, as a mom of now I have young adults, like, I will tell you, that time just goes so quickly. And you wanna look back on it and think, “Yes, like, I really enjoyed that time with my kids.” You want your kids to look back on their growing up years and think, “Yes, I had a great relationship with my parents. Things weren’t always perfect, but when things came up, we dealt with in a way that was positive, and it was solution-focused, and we want them to have those good memories. So the transformation can absolutely come. The thing that I always tell parents, Katie, is that parenting is not intuitive. Like, just because you’re smart, and loving, and nurturing, and you’re a good person, that doesn’t mean that you have the tools to deal with temper tantrums in Target or, you know, the meltdowns, or the defiance, or the sassiness, or the homework hassles. Like, we don’t have that stuff intuitively. But the good news is, it’s things that you can learn, really simple strategies that parents can pick up and just make such a difference in their day in day out life with their kids.

Katie: Yeah, exactly. And so far, I’m really enjoying the course. And I know you have a couple of books as well, I’ll make sure those are all linked in the show notes. So for all of you guys listening, you can head over to wellnessmama.fm and find the show notes there. But just talk a little bit about the system you have in your course, in the books and what you recommend for parents. Like, where should they jump in?

Amy: Yeah, so our system is called the 7-Step Parenting Success System. And again, it’s kind of a very linear approach because that’s the way my brain thinks. But it teaches parents all of those tools that they need to bring out the very best in their kid’s behavior, but also to bring out the best in the parent’s behavior so they can get out of the nagging, and reminding, and yelling cycle that they have been in. So in the 7 steps, parents learn the tools in the toolbox. But then there’s also the more intensive advanced modules. So if you have a bedtime problem, if you have a mealtime problem, if you have a child, you’re struggling with schoolwork and homework for a child with ADHD, so there are all these very specific advanced modules to tackle specific problems. So parents can just progress through that and learn all of those tools and have the advanced modules. If they want to sort of test drive what that system is all about, they can take a free class that we have, it’s called “Get kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling.” I can give you that link too. I also have two books, “If I Have to Tell You One More Time,” and then the other one is called “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic,” which is all about unentitling our kids. So lots different places that parents can get information. I’d say definitely start with a free class because that way they can sort of dip their toe in and see if they like what I teach, and they can put those tools, you know, into place right away with their own families and see what kind of results they get.

Katie: I love it. So again, all those will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm so you guys can find them. This was such a fun episode. Our time flew by. And another question I selfishly love to ask at the end because I’m a very avid reader is other than your own if there’s a book or a number of books that have really changed your life, and if so what they are and why?

Amy: Oh, this is such a hard question. I’m sure everybody tells you that. But there are a couple of books that I love. So this first one has been around for a while, you may be familiar with it. It’s called “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Dr. Carol Dweck. And it is a great read. It’s an easy read, but it’s all about her groundbreaking research on a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. And that applies to everyone, whether it’s, you know, sports, academics, your work life, but so important for your parenting. And there are things that we parents do that sort of undermine a growth mindset for our kids, particularly as it relates to praise. And so her book is really a mindset shift for a lot of parents. I’ve also incorporated a lot of her concepts into what I teach. So that’s a great one. Another one that I love, and again, this is from forever ago, but it is still a classic. It’s called “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. And again, super easy reads, like lots of cartoons. But it’s ways to phrase things to kids so that it’s accepted with an open heart, doesn’t invite a power struggle but allows you to get things done. So, again, as I said, it’s a classic book, but it is one of my favorites and one that I always recommend to parents.

Katie: I love both of those suggestions. And like I said, this has been such a fun interview. I think it’s gonna help a lot of families. And I’m going through your course right now so I’ll make sure that link is in the show note as well. But thanks for the time and for all the research. It’s just been fun.

Amy: Well, thank you. I really appreciate the time to chat with you and thanks for all the important work that you’re doing out there for your community.

Katie: And thanks as always to all of you for joining us today and sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time with us. We’re very grateful that you did. And I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the “Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.



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