Getting Unstuck From Self-Sabatoge With MindFix


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Katie: Hello and welcome to the “Valence Mama Podcast”. I’m from Katie Valence Mama.com And this event is about self-sabotaging and controlling the syndrome and removing self-esteem and mental barriers that are a barrier to success or happiness, or to doing the best we can in everyday life. Because I’m here with Erin Feil, the founder of the MindFix group, and they have a track record of helping people get consistent fast results from many things. Her work and her words have been thoroughly highlighted and she has a 95% success rate over an average period of time which brings her clients to see measurable results in the areas where they have been for years. Are trapped by Most people understand that overcoming these mental barriers or eliminating self-sabotage requires a lot of time and effort and requires therapy and practice. And she explains why we can’t think ourselves out of this kind of situation or even cure ourselves of those situations and how truly truly we can continue to spread.

So I have worked with Erin myself and was fascinated by the mental changes that have taken place, and she explains today how to start this process in your own life and it is also a magical question that we Ask to help make sure we have a good mental attitude to our children from an early age. So I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I enjoyed recording it.

Erin, welcome to come and thank you.

Erin: Hello. Thank you for having me.

Katie: Well, I’m excited to chat with you, and I knew I had to be with you when I first heard you at a recent conference. And in fact, the room, they are like a lot of business people and very successful people and I saw you talking to them and I also saw the room as if everyone was quiet and really involved in your words. had gone. And then I talked to a lot of people who were like, “It was worth the cost of coming here.” And so I knew I had to keep you and share you. And for context, I think, it would be really helpful if you could start with your own background and your own story and how you got to where you are today.

Erin: Sure. I have a weird story I could never plan for, even if I have a million years to go and I’m kind of planning. And this is not really a story I would have asked myself or anyone else. So I’ll share it. I actually got my undergraduate degree in digital media after my undergraduate degree in psychology and that was near the height of com. And I had, I was at the crossroads of what I wanted to do and I just loved the idea of ​​the website and being able to build and design it and I’m graduating straight out of graduate school. Going, I’m building. Web agency and it was just me. And then I brought in a person, and then we grew and grew. And over the next 16 years, we became an award-winning nationally ranked web agency.

And from the outside, everything looked really good. You know, every year we were raising revenue and profits, we were making millions for ourselves and our clients. We were winning awards. We had Fortune 500 companies as our clients. It looked good on the outside and it was for a while. After about a decade and a few years or so, though, I started to feel really surprised, like, “I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. I don’t want it anymore.” Not completing. “And yet I didn’t know what to do with it. I know all about building a website and strategizing and consulting.

And so “I had to think I was doing something different” was scary to me, and I had no clue what else I could do in the world. So, as I continued to build an agency in the background, I began to read all these books and take courses on what my unique potential in life was and what I could possibly do and What else interests me. Search for anything. And that’s how this lower-level terrorism keeps spreading, you know, a few times a month it feels like, “Oh, my soul, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”

And then one day, one day I woke up, I went on a bike ride as I do most days when I was training for this mountain bike race. And I stepped out of my bike and had this little electric couplet on my left ankle. I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but within a week I was the person who had chronic pain, chronic mystery pain, pain that had no real cause, no cause and no doctor. Couldn’t figure it out. So I started going to physical therapists and massaging therapists. And then I started going to the chiropractors who then handed me over to orthopedic surgeons. And it’s growing. And every time I go to more and more doctors and they go, “You have nothing to do with it. X-rays and MRIs show nothing. But I’m sorry, it seems to be hurting, but we can’t find anything.

So imagine me growing up in this Groundhog Day with a lot of pain, of which all this money is spent every single day, literally going to more and more doctors and specialists five days a week, and every The person goes, “I don’t know what to tell you and see this guy.” And over the years, it has grown to the point where I find myself sitting in the brain surgeon’s office, like Panic attacks, “I thought I was a healthy, 30-year-old entrepreneur. And now I’m having a panic attack in the brain surgeon’s office, I don’t know what my AKI is undergoing life. I can not increase your business can enjoy. No one can help me. I’m helpless. I am hopeless. There is nothing to look forward. “

And my anxiety was from the roof, my depression dropped from the roof. I totally committed suicide because I was like, “There’s nothing to survive. There is no hope Nobody can help me I don’t want to do this the rest of my life. It’s been 500, 700 days. Every day I wake up and it’s the same thing. And I’m no closer to getting better, “and I just want to start crying about how horrible it was. Like every day, all day, sleep, wake up. And that’s it.

So what is going on and where everything has changed and my life has changed in a different direction, the reason is that my mental health has deteriorated very much, The counselor began to look at the woman. And one day I was sitting in his office and he looked at me and he said, “Erin, do you know why you are so sad and in so much pain?” And I wanted to kill him. I was like, “This is because I’m in chronic pain. That’s why everything is terrible. It’s terrible.” And she said, “No, no, no, no, no.” “The mirror through which you see your life is so dirty, it’s very cloudy. What you are experiencing today is just sketchy. You have this strange, strange, and strange The healthy beliefs that you are sticking to are literally changing everything you see. Everything you see happening to you is really, really distorted. ” And I said, “Give me an example, give me an example Alyn you. I do not know what you mean. “

And he said, “Well, for example, you are so strongly linked to the belief that if you are lazy with work or life, it means that you are not cheap and valuable.” And it is as if this belief is keeping you away from yourself. Being able to heal and relax your body and allow your body to be healthy. You are going, going, going, going, going, every day, and your body asks for rest. But you are sticking with this belief and it is crushing you.

He also said that another example is whether you really believe that your entire sovereignty is based on what you get. And right now you can’t get much because you need to take a break. And so your self, like everything you feel about yourself and who you are and your value as a person, has fallen so fast because you cannot get it. And she likes, you have a bunch of things going on in your mind the way you think and do you believe the truth. And this is what is crushing you. The things that make you believe and how you look at your life, those things are crushing you, not really what’s happening and causing this spiral.

So, it turns out she has this wonderful insight, but when I asked her how we could fix it, she didn’t really know. He gave me some answers like you have to increase your visits and come three times a week and we will find him in the years to come with love and faith and such. There was no answer. So, I was super motivated to go out on a journey and discover how deeply I truly believe in how deep a hack can really turn. Not just on an intellectual level as you read a book, but what I could really do, as I’m pointing my heart to my chest right now. Like I can change here, like what I can really change, and how can I convince myself that I’ve been clinging to them all these years, maybe that wasn’t the reality.

So, next year I took and I traveled and I studied and I did research and I became my own science experiment. And along the way, I incorporated a number of different approaches into my own process that not only worked on me, but also quickly began to help colleagues and friends and people who saw the change in me and asked for help. And before I knew it, as my agency was still growing, I had a line out the door, a waitlist of people who wanted to help me change the direction of their lives. And change what they believe to be true and avoid it. Things that were leaving them behind. And that’s how I ended this new business. You know, new to me, at least at that time, called “The Mind Fix Group,” I had never planned or even planned, even if I tried.

Katie: That’s amazing. And it reminds me of my favorite quotes, I have lots of favorite quotes from Marcus Aurelius, but one of them, “These are not events that bother people, they have decisions about them. . ” And, as such, he talks a lot about how we have complete control over our behavior and our reaction, and our inner reality, even though we cannot control the external. And I think it was something that, you know, was really important in your journey that you knew. And I hear a lot about what I said about you in my story, such as growing up with the idea that you are not so good or internalizing it or that you are a combination of your accomplishments. These were the things I initially internalized too. And I love that you started it with a mental physical connection as well as talking about how you were in physical, chronic pain, but it wasn’t necessary that the answer was just a physical response. ۔ And I think this is something that is more popular than ever and now it is very important, that is, how our mind and our emotions and our heart can affect our biology in a physical way. So, can you talk a little bit about that? Like how is there really such a link?

Erin: Absolutely. And it’s interesting because for the first time, I don’t know, for a year, a year and a half, with this brain physically, it never crossed my mind. I had physical pain. So, of course, the money I invested in my time and energy was going to the doctors. That’s it. And the reason is that, when I thought about it, I went back and thought about my upbringing, and my father owned a business. And in the ’80s, we had, you know, this PPO insurance plan, which they would be proud of and say it was much better than everyone’s health plans. ۔ And it was great. So whenever my brother or I or my mother had a physical problem, the first thing we did was to go straight to the doctor. Doctor, medical doctor will always know what is best. You know, allergic to or smelling, directly from the allergy doctor You know, we had pain in our arms, we went straight to the doctor. That was the old way of thinking.

And since I was raised in this environment, of course, I was convinced that if you feel physical pain, the work you do goes straight to the doctor and the doctor knows the right answer. I absorbed it and it became a belief. And thus, not surprisingly, when this happened to me, it did not cross my mind that something mental or emotional could happen. And then with all the research and all the books in the last decade and all that incredible information, there is now much that shows that physical pain can be the result of emotional and mental problems that are not a problem. That is why so many people, myself, including myself, face these alien bodily distresses and cannot find answers because we are constantly looking for physical solutions.

What I found, though I continued to research, is the remarkable connection between our emotional and mental health in our emotional state and how our body feels. I saw these really interesting studies, like they took two groups of people and they scratched them in such a way that they had bloody scratches on their arms. And a group of people, they left in a way, forced them to go on their own path. And other groups of people, they subjected them to great stress and made sure their stress hormones went through the roof. And what they found, after that, I forgot, it was like a week or so, in a short while, those who went into their normal lives, their deductions, not surprising. , They were recovering and they were beautifully healed. General Chat Chat Lounge But then they looked at the people and they were subjected to a lot of stress and what they saw was interesting that their deductions were not going well. Like stress, the stress hormone actually starts to shut down your immune system and your body’s ability to heal. So when people are like, “It doesn’t matter, I just live a stressful lifestyle,” it really drastically affects your body’s ability to care.

Katie: Yeah, that makes so much sense. I read a book a while back called “BodyScoreScore”, and it was interesting to me, as it has really defined it on a scientific level, just because it’s important I was one of them for so many years just thinking, “I’ll deal with emotions later,” “When I die, I’ll sleep,” “I can push anything.” It turns out that this is not really the case. اور جب آپ جذبات سے نمٹنے نہیں کرتے ہیں تو آپ واقعی میں پھنس جاتے ہیں۔ اور یہ کانفرنس میں آپ کی پیش کش میں کچھ ایسا ہی تھا جو واقعتا me میرے سامنے کھڑا تھا کیونکہ آپ نے دماغ کے اس ماڈل کی وضاحت کی ہے اور ہم دماغی چیزوں کے ذریعہ کام کرنے کی کوشش کر رہے ہو تب بھی ، ہم کتنے سامان کرتے ہیں ، ایسا ہی ہے۔ ہم ہوش کے اس چھوٹے سے حصے پر کام کر رہے ہیں ، لیکن اس میں اور بھی بہت کچھ ہے۔ تو کیا آپ اس کی وضاحت کے ل kind آپ کی طرح چل سکتے ہیں؟

ایرن: ضرور۔ تو جو ہوتا ہے ، اس کے درمیان ہوتا ہے ، جب سے ہم تقریبا seven سات یا اس سے زیادہ کی عمر تک پیدا ہوتے ہیں ، ہم اس طرح کی تھیٹا برین ویو کی حالت میں گھوم رہے ہیں ، جو لوگوں کو ہپنوٹائزائز ہونے پر ملتا ہے۔ تو اس کا مطلب یہ ہے کہ بحیثیت بچے ، ہم انتہائی ، انتہائی قابل تجویز ہیں۔ ہم اس طرح ہیں جیسے ادھر ادھر دوڑ رہی ہوں۔ اور یہ قریب قریب ہی ہے جیسے ہم ان ٹیپ ریکارڈرز اور مائیکروفون کو لے رہے ہیں اور ہم جذب ہورہے ہیں اور ہمارے ہر والدین اور بڑوں کے کہنے کے بارے میں ہم خود آٹو ریکارڈ پر موجود ہیں۔ اور ہم صرف ریکارڈ کر رہے ہیں۔ ہم ریکارڈنگ کررہے ہیں ، ہم ریکارڈنگ کررہے ہیں۔ تو جو چیزیں ہم سنتے ہیں ، چاہے وہ ، “میں اچھی لڑکی ہوں” ، یا ، “بلیاں اچھی ہیں ،” یا ، “میں اتنی اچھی نہیں ہوں ،” یا ، “میں چیزوں کا مستحق نہیں ہوں ،” یا ، ، “پیسہ کمانا بہت مشکل ہے ،” یا ، “کام کو دباؤ ڈالنا ضروری ہے ،” جو کچھ بھی ہے ، جو کچھ بھی ہم سنتے ہیں ، واقعتا ہم میں اس کی ہمدردی کی صلاحیت نہیں ہے۔ ہم جو کچھ سنتے ہیں اس کا تجزیہ کرنے یا اس کی وجہ بتانے کی صلاحیت نہیں رکھتے۔ ہم صرف اسے ریکارڈ کرتے ہیں اور یہ اس طرح کے ذخیرے میں آ جاتا ہے جیسے اس چھوٹے آٹو لوپ میں جو پس منظر میں کھیلتا ہے۔ اور وہ ہمارے لا شعور دماغ میں بند ہوجاتے ہیں۔

لہذا ، لوگ یہ سوچتے ہوئے گھومتے ہیں کہ وہ اپنے تمام خیالات اور دن کے وقت ان کی وجہ سے کی جانے والی تمام وجوہات سے پوری طرح واقف ہیں ، انہیں کیوں محسوس ہوتا ہے کہ وہ کس طرح محسوس کرتے ہیں اور وہ ان خیالات کو کیوں سوچتے ہیں سوچنا۔ لیکن واقعتا، ، ہم جس چیز سے واقف ہیں وہ ہمارا شعور ذہن ہے۔ آپ جانتے ہو ، وہ چیزیں جو ہمارے پریفرنل پرانتستا میں جاری ہے۔ اور یہ اسی طرح ہے ، جس پر آپ اس بات پر منحصر ہوتے ہیں کہ آپ کس سے بات کرتے ہیں ، کہیں ہمارے فیصلوں اور ہمارے انتخاب کے 5 فیصد کے لگ بھگ جب ہم سارا دن چلتے ہیں۔ دن کے وقت ہم کیا کرتے اور محسوس کرتے ہیں اور سوچتے ہیں اس کا پچپن فیصد دراصل ہمارے اوچیتن دماغ کے ذریعہ تقویت یافتہ ہے۔ اور لوگ اس کا مذاق اڑانا اور جانا چاہتے ہیں ، “بالکل نہیں۔”

اور یہ آسان ہے کیونکہ آپ کو اس کا علم نہیں ہے۔ یہ واقعی اسبربر کے نیچے سامان ہے۔ اور لا شعور دماغ اس طرح نہیں سیکھتا جس طرح ہمارا شعور ذہن کرتا ہے۔ لہذا ، آپ ایک کتاب پڑھ سکتے ہیں اور آپ جذبات کے بارے میں سب کچھ پڑھ سکتے ہیں اور آپ مراقبہ کے بارے میں پڑھ سکتے ہیں اور آپ یہ بھی پڑھ سکتے ہیں کہ بہتر شریک حیات کیسے بننا ہے یا زیادہ موثر کاروباری کیسے بننا ہے یا بہتر ماں کیسے بننا ہے یا کیسے بننا ہے۔ ایک بہتر دوست اور وہ معلومات آپ کے شعوری ذہن سے سیکھی جاسکتی ہیں۔ اگرچہ یہ آپ کے لاشعور دماغ سے نہیں سیکھا جارہا ہے۔ یہ صرف ان ٹیپوں کے پس منظر میں پریشان کن ہے جو اس تھیٹا میں صفر سے سات سال کی عمر میں سیکھا تھا۔ لہذا آپ ایک عظیم دوست ہونے کے بارے میں کوئی کتاب پڑھ سکتے ہیں ، لیکن آپ نے ابتدائی اسکول کے دوران یہ سیکھا ہوگا کہ دوست آپ کو چھوڑیں گے اور آپ پسند نہیں کرسکتے ہیں۔

اور اگر وہ ٹیپز پس منظر میں چل رہے ہیں اور پھر بھی آپ چیزیں سیکھتے ہیں اور ان کو اپنے ہوش میں رکھتے ہیں تو ، اس گہری ٹیپ کو اوور رائڈ کرنا 5 for کے لئے واقعی مشکل ہے جو آپ 95٪ playing میں بار بار کھیلتے رہتے ہیں۔ لاشعوری ذہن. اکثر اوقات ، ہم کوشش کر رہے ہیں کہ کچھ حاصل کریں یا کسی مقصد کی سمت کام کریں یا تعلقات بہتر بنائیں۔ اور پھر بھی پس منظر میں ، ہمارے پاس یہ سب چیزیں لاشعوری طور پر موجود ہیں جو لفظی طور پر ہمیں مخالف سمت کی طرف کھینچ رہی ہیں ، تناؤ پیدا کررہی ہیں اور جو ہم گہری ، گہری ، لاشعوری سطح پر یقین رکھتے ہیں اس کے درمیان صف بندی کا فقدان پیدا کررہے ہیں اور پھر ہمارا شعوری ذہن کیا ہے کہتے ہیں کہ ہم چاہتے ہیں۔

کیٹی: یہ مجھے بہت دلچسپ ہے۔ اور آپ کی طرح کی ایک اور مشابہت کی طرح ، آپ نے اس طرح کے بارے میں بات کی جیسے اگر آپ کو معلوم ہے ، اگر آپ کے پاس یہ کہانی ہے جو آپ کو پسند نہیں کی جا رہی ہے تو آپ کو ہر جگہ اس نوعیت کا ثبوت نظر آئے گا۔ بالکل اسی طرح جیسے میں نے اس کو پسند کرنے سے موازنہ کیا ، اگر آپ نئی کار خریدنے جارہے ہیں تو ، آپ کو وہ گاڑی ہر جگہ نظر آتی ہے کیونکہ آپ اس پر توجہ دے رہے ہیں۔ اور اسی طرح ، واقعی اس نے میرے ساتھ مارا اور مجھے پسند ہے اگر آپ سانٹا کلاز مثال کے ذریعہ بھی اس کی وضاحت کرسکیں۔ اور میں یہ کہوں گا کہ اگر کسی کے ساتھ بچوں اور سنٹا کے ساتھ آپ کی فیملی میں سننے کی کوئی اہم بات ہے تو ، یہ نہ سننے کا ایک حصہ ہوسکتا ہے لیکن کیا آپ وہاں تصور کی وضاحت کریں گے کیوں کہ مجھے لگتا ہے کہ ، واقعی گھر کو مارنا ، مجھے معلوم ہے ، کیونکہ میں اور کمرے میں بہت سارے لوگوں کے لئے ، جیسے تھے ، “اوہ ، واہ۔”

ایرن: بالکل۔ تو میں ایک طرح سے دو طرح کی چیزوں کی وضاحت کروں گا۔ میں وضاحت کروں گا کہ کس طرح ، ہمارے بے ہوش عقائد کیا ہیں ، وہ کیسے عینک کے بطور کام کرتے ہیں ، جس کی آپ نے ابھی اشارہ کیا ، جس کے بارے میں مجھے لگتا ہے کہ یہ بہت خوبصورت ہے۔ اور میں صرف ایک مثال پیش کرنا چاہتا ہوں تاکہ لوگوں کو واقعی وہ مل سکے کیونکہ اگر وہ اس تفہیم کے ساتھ اس سے چل سکتے ہیں تو ، وہ اپنی زندگی میں ہر جگہ اسے دیکھنا شروع کر سکتے ہیں اور جب وہ دوسرے لوگوں سے بات کرتے ہیں۔ اور پھر میں سانٹا کلاز کی وضاحت میں غوطہ لگا سکتا ہوں۔ کیا یہ کام کرتا ہے؟

کیٹی: یہ بہت اچھی لگتی ہے۔

ایرن: ٹھیک ہے ، ٹھنڈا ہے۔ تو جو کچھ آپ نے ابھی ذکر کیا وہ یہ ہے کہ ، کیا لوگوں کو ان کے لا شعور اثرات میں سچ beا ہونے کا یقین ہے کہ وہ اپنی روز مرہ زندگی میں جو کچھ دیکھتے ہیں اسے لفظی طور پر کیسے ان کا احساس ہوتا ہے۔ تو آئیے ایک ایسے بچے کی مثال لیتے ہیں جو ابتدائی اسکول جاتا ہے۔ اور کسی وجہ سے ، وہ ہیں ، آپ کو معلوم ہے ، وہ بہت ہوشیار ہیں اور شاید وہ ابھی تک زیادہ خوبصورت نہیں ہیں ، یا انہوں نے بہترین لباس نہیں پہنا ہے اور وہ مقبول نہیں ہیں۔ ہوسکتا ہے کہ وہ غنڈہ گردی ہوجائیں ، ہوسکتا ہے کہ وہ چھیڑا جائے ، شاید وہ تفریحی کھیلوں میں ٹیموں کے لئے باہر نہ آئیں۔ اور وقت گزرنے کے ساتھ ، آپ جانتے ہو ، عمر پانچ ، چھ سال کی عمر ، سات سال کی عمر میں ، بچہ صرف اسکول میں اپنے تجربے کی بنیاد پر اس نتیجے پر پہنچتا ہے کہ وہ پسند نہیں کر سکتے ، ٹھیک ہے؟ اور اس طرح ان کے بے ہوش ہوجاتے ہیں۔ وہ اس تھیٹا حالت میں ہیں۔ یہ ایک نتیجہ ہے جس پر وہ آتے ہیں۔ اور پھر وہ ان ٹیپوں میں سے ایک بن جاتا ہے ، پس منظر میں بار بار پریشانی میں مبتلا ہوجاتا ہے ، بار بار اپنے لا شعور میں ، اس طرح کی طرح ہمیشہ کے لئے وہاں بند ہے۔ جب تک وہاں موجود نہیں ہے ، ان چند طریقوں میں سے ایک ہے جس سے آپ لاشعوری عقائد کو غیر مقفل کرسکتے ہیں ان کی زندگی میں ان سے نمٹا جاتا ہے یا بعد میں آتا ہے۔ لیکن یہ صرف اور بار بار ہوتا رہتا ہے۔ “میں پسند نہیں کرتا۔” اور یہ لاشعوری طور پر بند ہوجاتا ہے۔

وہ شخص ہائی اسکول میں جاتا ہے ، مقبول ہوتا ہے ، بعد کی زندگی میں اپنی ملازمت میں ایک کامیاب ملازم بن جاتا ہے۔ لہذا آپ کو لگتا ہے کہ وہ سیکھیں گے کہ حقیقت میں وہ بہت ہی پسند کے قابل ہیں اور ان کے پاس دوستوں کا ایک گروپ ہوتا ہے۔ تو ایسا لگتا ہے کہ کوئی بڑی بات نہیں ہے۔ لیکن یہاں بات یہ ہے کہ ، یہ عقیدہ اس ٹیپ بن جاتا ہے ، ٹھیک ہے ، جو پس منظر میں چل رہا ہے۔ انہیں مل گیا ہے ، “میں پسند نہیں کرتا۔” یہ ان کے لاشعور میں بیٹھا ہوا ہے۔ تو یہاں تک کہ اگر ان کا شعور ذہن ، “نہیں ، میں بہت پسند آتا ہوں” کی طرح ہے ، تو پھر بھی یہ پس منظر اور لا شعور میں چیلنجوں کا باعث ہے۔

تو کیا ہوتا ہے جب آپ کو یہ یقین ہوجائے کہ آپ اپنے ہوش میں بیٹھے ہیں؟ ہم ، بعد میں ، اس بات کے بارے میں بات کرسکتے ہیں کہ اگر آپ کو یقین ہے تو اس کی جانچ کیسے کی جائے۔ کچھ واقعی آسان چیزیں ہیں جو لوگ یہ جاننے کے لئے کر سکتے ہیں کہ آیا ان کا اوچیتن عقیدہ ہے یا نہیں۔ لیکن ہم کہتے ہیں کہ آپ کے پاس ، جو ہوتا ہے وہ عینک کی طرح کام کرتا ہے ، شیشوں کی ایک جوڑی کی طرح جس کے ذریعے آپ کے تمام تجربات ، آپ کی روزمرہ کی زندگی میں ہونے والے تمام واقعات فلٹر ہوجاتے ہیں۔

تو کیٹی ، اگر آپ اور میں ایک دالان میں گفتگو کر رہے ہوں اور سوسی ہماری طرف سے چل پڑے اور ہم دونوں اس کی طرف دیکھتے ہیں ، اور سوسی ہماری طرف دیکھتی ہے اور پھر نظریں بھٹکتی رہتی ہے اور وہ کچھ نہیں کہتی ، اگر میں وہ ہوتا ایک چھوٹا بچہ جس نے یہ عقیدہ پیدا کیا تھا اور اس نتیجے پر پہنچا تھا ، “میں پسند نہیں کرتا ہوں” ، یہ میرے لئے اس تجربے کو فلٹر کرنے والا ہے۔ میں سوسی کو چلتے پھرتے ، ہماری طرف دیکھنے کے ل. ، اور اس لئے کہ مجھے یہ گہرا یقین ہے کہ میں پسند نہیں کرسکتا ، امکان ، یہ خیال ، “اوہ ، سوسی مجھے پسند نہیں کرتا ہے۔ سوسی مجھ پر ناراض ہے۔ میں نے کچھ غلط کیا۔ سوسی میرے مداح نہیں ہیں۔ اوہ ، گولی مارو ، ”یہ وہ قسم کے خیالات ہیں جو متحرک ہوسکتے ہیں۔ شاید وہ میرے دماغ میں سب سے آگے نہ ہوں ، لیکن ہوسکتا ہے کہ وہ میرے دماغ کو عبور کریں اور لفظی طور پر مجھے موقوف کردیں ، یہاں تک کہ صرف ایک سیکنڈ کے لئے جب میں آپ سے بات کر رہا ہوں۔ یہ میرے ذہن کو پار کرے گا کہ سوسی مجھ سے ناراض ہے یا وہ مجھے پسند نہیں کرتی ہے یا میں نے کچھ غلط کیا ہے۔

دریں اثنا ، اگر آپ کو یہ یقین نہیں ہے کہ آپ اپنے لاشعور میں کہیں بھی ہیں اور آپ کو سوسی ہماری طرف دیکھتی ہے اور وہ چلتی رہتی ہے تو ، یہ آپ کو بھی نہیں ہوگا کہ سوسی آپ پر ناراض ہیں۔ اور اگر ایسا ہوتا ہے تو ، یہ صرف تجسس سے باہر ہوگا۔ آپ کے خیالات کی قسمیں یہ ہوسکتی ہیں ، “اوہ ، حیرت ہے کہ کیا سوسی کا دن خراب ہے؟ ہہ مجھے حیرت ہے کہ سوسی کے ساتھ کیا ہو رہا ہے۔ مجھے حیرت ہے کہ اگر اس نے ہمیں بھی دیکھا۔ وہ ایسا ہی لگتا ہے جیسے وہ اپنی چھوٹی سی دنیا میں ہی ہے۔ “تو ہم جس طرح سے یہ واقعہ دیکھتے ہیں ، جس طرح ہم دونوں ، مجھ کو بےچینی کا احساس ہوسکتا ہے ، آپ کو تجسس کا احساس ہوسکتا ہے ، ہم کیا سوچتے ہیں اور ہمیں کیا محسوس ہوتا ہے۔ لاعلمی عقائد سے متاثر ہوں گے جو ہمارے پاس ہیں یا نہیں ہیں۔

لہذا ہمارے اعتقادات ان لینسوں کی طرح کام کر سکتے ہیں جو لفظی طور پر اثر انداز کرتی ہیں کہ ہم کیا جانتے ہیں کہ کیا ہو رہا ہے۔ لہذا یہ واقعات جو واقعتا غیر جانبدار ہوتے ہیں ، ہم ان کو صرف ان اعتقادات کی بنا پر منفی یا خوفناک سمجھ سکتے ہیں جو ہمارے لا شعور میں ہیں جو چھوٹی عمر میں ہی اٹھائے گئے تھے۔ کیا اسکا کوئ مطلب بنتا ہے؟

کیٹی: ہاں ، بالکل یہ سمجھ میں آتا ہے۔

ایرن: ٹھنڈا۔ تب آپ نے مجھ سے سانتا کلاز کے انکشاف کے بارے میں بات کرنے کو کہا تھا۔ ایک بات جو ہم مائنڈ فکس پر کرتے ہیں وہ یہ ہے کہ ہمیں معلوم ہوا ہے کہ ہر ایک نمونہ کے ل for ، متعدد تعداد موجود ہیں ، چاہے وہ شریک حیات کے ذریعہ محرک ہو رہی ہو ، جب بچے کچھ خاص کام کرتے ہیں تو ، پریشان ہوجاتے ہیں ، واقعی خراب پرفیکشنزم سے نمٹنے کے ، خوف سے مسترد کریں ، کسی کا بھی نمونہ یہ ہے کہ وہ باقاعدگی سے تجربہ کرتے ہیں اور اس سے انہیں مایوسی ہوتی ہے ، عام طور پر پس منظر میں بے ہوشی والے عقائد کا ایک جھونکا موجود ہوتا ہے جو لوگوں کو اس طرح سے کام کرنے کا باعث بنتا ہے۔ اور وہ وہاں بیٹھتے ہیں اور وہ جاتے ہیں ، “میں ٹوٹ گیا ہوں۔ میں نے جو بھی کوشش کی ہے ، وہ کام نہیں کرے گی۔ جیسے ، کچھ بھی نہیں بدل سکتا۔ میں اتنے عرصے سے تبدیل کرنے کی کوشش کر رہا ہوں ، مجھے یہ نہیں ملتا۔ “اور ایسا نہیں ہے ، لوگوں کو اپنے ہوش میں رکھنے کے لئے مزید معلومات کی ضرورت نہیں ہے۔ انہیں وہاں بیٹھے مزید محبوباؤں کی ضرورت نہیں ہے ، “آپ جا، بچی ، آپ طاقتور ہیں ، آپ حیرت انگیز ہیں۔ آپ یہ کر سکتے ہیں۔ “کیوں کہ یہ صرف ہوش کے دماغ میں شامل ہوجاتا ہے۔

لوگوں کو جس چیز کی ضرورت ہے وہ اس کی جانچ پڑتال کرنے کی ہے کہ وہ پرانے ٹیپس اور عقائد کیا ہیں جو مخالف سمت میں کھینچ رہے ہیں اور جس کی وجہ سے لوگوں کو ایک خاص طریقے سے کام کرنے کا سبب بن رہا ہے۔ لہذا ایک بار جب آپ اس کی نشاندہی کرسکیں ، کہیں ، ان عقائد کی کیا وجہ ہے جو پریشانیوں کا باعث بنے ہیں ، ان کا خاتمہ ممکن ہے۔ اور ایک بار جب آپ واقعی پرانے ، فرسودہ اوچیتن عقیدے کو ختم کردیتے ہیں تو ، یہ واقعی جادوئی ہوتا ہے کیونکہ جو ہوتا ہے وہ ہے آپ کے خیالات بدل جاتے ہیں ، آپ کے جذبات بدل جاتے ہیں ، اور آپ کے عمل بغیر کسی عمل کے ، فوری طور پر ، آسانی سے تبدیل ہوجاتے ہیں۔ اور سب سے خوبصورت ، آسان ، خوبصورت نمونہ میں دے سکتا ہوں جب سانٹا کلاز میں اعتقاد کسی بچے کے لئے چلا جاتا ہے۔

یہاں تک کہ ایک خاص عمر تک ، ہر بچ kidے سے مختلف ، وہ وہاں بیٹھے رہتے ہیں اور وہ اپنی پوری طاقت اور اپنے پورے دل سے یقین کرتے ہیں کہ سانٹا کلاز حقیقی ہے ، سانتا کلاز ان سے پیار کرتا ہے اور سانتا کلاز ظاہر ہونے اور لانے والا ہے ہر سال 25 دسمبر کو انہیں تحائف دیتے ہیں۔ اور اگر آپ ان سے بات کرتے ہیں اور آپ جاتے ہیں تو ، “مجھے نہیں معلوم کہ سانٹا کلاز حقیقی ہے ،” وہ جائیں گے ، “وہ بالکل ہے۔ میرے پاس تصاویر والی کتابیں ہیں ، ہم اس کے بارے میں گانے گاتے ہیں۔ میرے پاس اتنا ثبوت ہے۔ میرے پاس اتنے ثبوت ہیں۔ وہ بہت حقیقی ہے۔ یہ بات چیت کے ل up نہیں ہے۔ وہ حقیقی ہے۔

اور پھر ، وہ دن آتا ہے ، آپ جانتے ہو ، جیسے کوکیز چھوڑ جاتے ہیں ، دودھ نکل جاتا ہے ، گانے گاتے ہیں۔ اور پھر وہ دن آجاتا ہے ، چاہے وہ کسی دوست یا والدین کے ساتھ ہو ، وہاں “گفتگو” ، “گفتگو” ہوتی ہے جہاں اچانک اس بچے کو احساس ہو جاتا ہے ، جیسے تمام ڈومنواس گر جاتے ہیں۔ اور اسے احساس ہے کہ اس نے سانتا کلاز کو حقیقت میں کبھی نہیں دیکھا تھا۔ وہ جوتے والد کے جوتے تھے۔ یہ کہ سانٹا کلاز مال سانتا کلاز تھا ، اسی وجہ سے اس کی داڑھی گر گئی۔ ٹیمی سانٹا کلاز کے فٹ ہونے کے بارے میں بات کر رہے تھے۔ یا الله. اور ہر طرح کی چیزیں اکٹھی ہوجاتی ہیں۔ اور احساس ہوتا ہے کہ سانٹا کلاز اصلی نہیں ہے۔

اور ایک ہی لمحے میں ، یہ یقین مکمل طور پر تحلیل ہوجاتا ہے۔ اسے مکمل طور پر ختم کردیا گیا ہے۔ یہ پلک جھپکتے ہی چلا جاتا ہے۔ اور کیا دلچسپ بات یہ ہے کہ یہ واپس نہیں آتی ہے۔ آپ جانتے ہیں ، لوگ چلے جاتے ہیں ، “اوہ ، اگر آپ کسی عقیدے سے باز آ گئے تو ، وہ واپس آجائے گا۔” ٹھیک ہے ، سانٹا کلاز پر یقین کبھی نہیں آتا ہے۔ میں نے کبھی کسی کے 47 سال کی عمر میں آنے کے بارے میں نہیں سنا ہے اور اچانک وہ اس طرح کی طرح آتے ہیں ، “آپ جانتے ہیں ، میں ایک طرح کا سوچتا ہوں ، میں حیرت سے سوچنا شروع کر رہا ہوں کہ سانتا کلاز حقیقت میں حقیقت میں ہوسکتا ہے۔ تم جانتے ہو ، میں واقعتا question اس سے پوچھ گچھ کر رہا ہوں۔ “جیسے ، یہ واپس نہیں آتا ہے۔ اور نہ صرف یہ ، اگر آپ ان خیالات کے بارے میں سوچتے ہیں جو ایک بچہ رکھتے ہیں ، تو وہ قطب شمالی کو خط لکھنے کے بارے میں سوچنا چھوڑ دیتے ہیں۔ وہ سانتا کے بارے میں سوالات پوچھنے کے بارے میں سوچنا چھوڑ دیتے ہیں۔ اگر آپ ان کے جذبات کے بارے میں سوچتے ہیں ، اگر آپ ان سے پوچھتے ہیں ، “کیا آپ سانتا کلاز سے پیار کرتے ہیں؟” وہ ہنسنے لگیں گے۔ وہ اس طرح ہیں ، “اس سے پیار کرو؟ وہ اصلی نہیں ہے۔ مجھے کسی کے لئے محبت کا تجربہ کیوں ہوگا جو حقیقت میں نہیں ہے؟ “

اور پھر اگر آپ دیکھیں تو ، ان کے عمل فوری طور پر تبدیل ہوجاتے ہیں۔ جب یقین ختم ہوجائے گا ، دودھ چھوڑنے کی کوئی وجہ نہیں ہوگی۔ 24 دسمبر کو ہر ایک کوکیز چھوڑنے کی کوئی وجہ نہیں ہے۔ بچے صرف یہ کرنا چھوڑ دیں گے۔ لہذا خیالات بدل جاتے ہیں ، جذبات بدل جاتے ہیں ، حرکتیں اسی وقت تبدیل ہوجاتی ہیں جب یقین ختم ہوجاتا ہے۔ اور یہ بات مختلف عقائد کے لئے بھی سچ ہے ، چاہے یہ خود ہی اعتماد ہے ، دنیا کے کام کرنے کے بارے میں عقائد ، دوسرے ہمارے ساتھ بات چیت کرنے کے طریقوں کے بارے میں عقائد۔ جب ہم پھنس جاتے ہیں ، اکثر اوقات ، ہم چکر لگاتے ہیں اور ہم مزید معلومات اکٹھا کرنے کی کوشش کرتے ہیں یا ہم اپنے افعال یا اپنے طرز عمل یا اپنی عادات کو بدلنے کی کوشش کرتے ہیں۔ لیکن یہ غلط طریقہ ہے۔

تصور کریں کہ کسی بچے کو دودھ اور کوکیز چھوڑنا چھوڑ دیں۔ “ارے ، بس اسے روکیں۔ بس اور نہ کریں۔ “اور وہ وہاں بیٹھے ہیں اور اگر انہیں اب بھی یقین ہے کہ سانٹا کلاز حقیقی ہے تو ، وہ آپ کے خلاف دباؤ ڈالیں گے اور چلے جائیں گے ،” نہیں ، لیکن مجھے دودھ اور کوکیز چھوڑنا پڑیں باہر مجھے مل گیا ہے۔ “اور اگر آپ ان کے طرز عمل کو تبدیل کرنے کی کوشش کر رہے ہیں اور صرف ان سے اپنے اقدامات کو تبدیل کرنے کے لئے کہہ رہے ہیں تو ، یہ ان کے لئے انتہائی دباؤ کا باعث ہوگا۔ کیا وہ یہ کر سکتے ہیں؟ ضرور You know, gun to our head, we can do anything. Forced, you know, if we’re forced, we can do anything, but that’s gonna be really stressful for a kid if you tell them to stop acting in a certain way and tell them to stop leaving out milk and leaving out cookies if they still have the belief that Santa Claus is real.

If you really want them to change their actions and you’re like, “Okay, this is enough with having to make all these cookies on Christmas Eve and this is enough, like we don’t drink milk in this household. I don’t wanna have to get the milk anymore,” the way to change their actions is to go in, pluck out the belief in Santa Claus and then suddenly, the thoughts, the emotions and the actions all cascade and change automatically.

Katie: I love that explanation. And it makes so much sense. I think… Well, I’ve gotten to work with you a little bit and I’ve seen it firsthand in my own life, and I also relate it to, I experienced sexual trauma when I was younger and not in the zero to seven age. I was in high school. But on that, I think I had internalized a belief that I was not safe in my body. And so as a way to protect against that, I think I like, because in the time after that, I gained quite a bit of weight and I think that was a physical shield. It was a protection that my brain was using to make me feel safer in my body. And part of, maybe the story was, you know, “If I looked like this, that will never happen again,” or whatever it may be.

And I tried for years to change the actions and to just eat less and less and less and less and less, which I did and still didn’t lose the weight or exercise more or just be so stressed about it. And it wasn’t until I changed that belief and realized I am safe in my body that all of the rest of it changed effortlessly. Now, if I tried to eat more than I was hungry for, my body just won’t let me. It’s like, “I’m full, stop eating.” But I tried for years. It just changed, like you said, change the action, change all the external expressions and it wasn’t until I got to that core subconscious that I didn’t realize was even running that I was able to just kind of, like, it was overnight, like a switch. My brain just changed. So you mentioned before, like, there’s ways to know if you have a subconscious belief and I think that’s a great starting point. So can you walk us through some examples of how you can know?

Erin: Absolutely. And before I do, I just wanna touch upon what you just said because it was so, so brilliant. First, I wanna clarify, not all beliefs or subconscious beliefs are stored or locked in by the age of seven. There’s just a large number that are, and during that time period, we literally are just sponges. So beliefs can be formed with repetition as we get older, they can be formed from like what you experienced with traumas. Like, one trauma can lead to a whole host of beliefs that get formed. And then as we go through life just repeating experiences over and over and over, if we, you know, get out of high school and our first four jobs, our bosses are terr-, you know, super mean, we might come to the conclusion that, you know, work is a frustrating place and bosses are bad people.

So, I want just wanted to make that clarification. It’s not like, zero to seven, everything’s locked in and done by that age. It’s just a lot happens during that time period. And it’s also, you gave such a perfect, beautiful example of what happens where you can have a belief that gets stored. You know, “It’s not safe to be in my body.” “Perhaps if I look a certain way, I’ll be creating safety.” If that gets locked in, but then your conscious mind is like, “I wanna lose weight,” you’re gonna experience an internal tug-of-war where part of you is like, “Let’s lose weight,” and part of you is like, “Hell no, that is not safe. I’m going to do everything against you possible.” And people experience things like that when they want to maybe get a raise or start a new business.

And yet part of them grew up and they were raised in, you know, believing that if you make a lot of money, you can’t possibly have a happy family or you will have absolutely no free time to enjoy your life. So we can have these conflicting, conscious desires that go against what we subconsciously believe. And that’s where we begin to really deep self-sabotage, where we feel stuck, where we feel like we’re holding ourselves back. Where we keep saying like, “I keep trying to change. I keep trying to do this over and over and over and yet it’s not working.”

So I can almost guarantee that anytime someone feels like they’re holding themselves back, they’re stuck or they’re just going in loops or, like, there’s an invisible tug-of-war that they consciously want something, but there are loops in their subconscious that are saying, “Go the other way. I am going to sabotage this because it’s not safe. It’s not gonna be good. I don’t actually want what’s gonna come. The consequences are gonna be really bad.” So I just wanted to kind of clarify those two things. Does that make sense?

Katie: Yeah, it does. Thanks for clarifying that.

Erin: Okay, cool. So you had asked how can someone know if they have a belief? Like, if it’s in the subconscious, how can you possibly know if you believe something to be true? And there’s a handful of really interesting filters, very simple, that absolutely anybody can use. They can run any statement through these filters. And if any of them come out positive, it’s very, very, very, very, very likely that their subconscious or even conscious mind believes them to be true. So beliefs are a bit like being pregnant. You’re not, like, kinda sorta pregnant. You just are or you aren’t. You have a belief or you don’t. So even if it’s a kind of, “It’s kind of there,” you have the belief. It may not be as strong, but it’s either there or it isn’t.

So, what we can do is we can take any statement at all, you know. “Men are evil,” or, “I’m not good enough.” “Making money is stressful.” Anything that is a statement and what we can do is run it through three filters. So the first thing I do to see if someone believes something to be true is I ask them, “Does it feel real? Does it feel like the truth?” This is really, really simple. Like, “Does it feel like saying, ‘I am a woman’?” “Does it feel like saying, ‘Two plus two equals four’?” Oftentimes when I’m working with someone and they have a belief, I say something, they’ll say it out loud and they literally physically start nodding their head up and down because it just feels so real. It feels like the truth. It feels like saying the sky is blue. And that is the first easiest way is just when you’re sitting there and you’re like, “Yeah, it feels like the truth. It just is the truth. It feels like saying, ‘I am a female.’” So that’s the first filter.

The thing is, as you can imagine, our mind is pretty darn effective. And so if we took all of these beliefs that are sitting on our subconscious and we really connected to them and we really fully felt into, “I am stupid,” “I am not good enough,” “I am not important,” “Making money is hard,” and we really connected to that, we’d probably have a hard time getting out of bed every day. So, our mind, being this really effective machine, kind of disconnects us from some of these beliefs. Kind of pushes them down, like a beach ball underneath the water, kind of suppresses some of these things and goes, “Nope, nope. Consciously, you don’t believe that at all. You know, you’re a smart, successful, powerful woman. You’re fantastic. You’re an incredible mother. You’re amazing. You’re a kind friend. You’re a fantastic spouse. You’ve got this, girl,” you know, and we pump ourselves up with these positive things and we wanna disconnect from some of these uncomfortable beliefs and loops that are sitting in our subconscious.

So I’ve had people where I’ll ask them to say something like, you know, I was at an event recently and someone was walking around and not connecting with people. And she came over to me and I said, “Just out of curiosity, say out loud, ‘I am a burden.’” Because she was saying like, “I just, I can’t ask people for their time. I feel weird and guilty if I interrupt a conversation or if I ask people to talk about myself,” I said, “Say out loud, ‘I am a burden.’” And she said it and her eyes were kind of glazed and she was disconnected and she’s like, “No, no, that doesn’t feel like the truth. Sorry, I don’t think I believe that.” And I was like, “Okay, cool. So, that didn’t work with the first filter. Let’s try something different.”

So we tried the second filter on her and the second filter is when you say something out loud, even if it doesn’t feel like the truth, filter number two is, do you feel an emotion with it? So some people I’ve worked with will say a statement, they’ll sit with it and they’ll go, “Oh. Ooh, that was uncomfortable.” Or they’ll say, “Oh, my God, that makes me sad to say it.” Or, “Ooh, I don’t want… Oh, gosh, that makes me kind of angry. I don’t…” Like, there’s some emotion that comes out.

If you make a statement that you just don’t believe to be true, something like, “I am a vampire,” you don’t get a big surge of emotion. You don’t get a sad feeling when you say that. There’s just no emotional reaction. So if you say something and your subconscious believes it to be true, it’s quite possible you might feel an emotional reaction. Now, this woman at the party, she’s like, “Nope, no emotion there. I really don’t believe I think this is true. I’m sorry. I think you’re off-topic.” And I said, “Let’s try one last thing. I want you to say it out loud one more time and I want you to feel into your body. I want you to tell me if you feel any physical sensations.” And she’s like, “Okay.” So she said, “I am a burden.” And she paused and then she looked at me with, her eyes just went huge and she went, “Oh, my gosh.” She’s like, “I have a little pain in my stomach and it feels like my throat is tightening up.”

So the third filter you can use to see if you have a belief is do you feel it physically somewhere in your body? And again, this is your subconscious going, “Okay, I’m not gonna have your conscious mind actually believe this, but I’m storing it down here and this is my way of telling you that, yes, you believe it.” Because, again, try saying “I am a giraffe.” Try saying, “I wear a size 36 shoe,” something that you just don’t believe. Your body’s not gonna send you any physical sensations. It doesn’t have to be pain. I’ve had people go, “Oh, there’s this weird energy over the bridge of my nose,” or, “My toe wants to start tapping.” But that’s only the case if some part of you believes it to be true.

So the first filter is, does it feel real? Does it feel like the truth? The second filter is, do you experience an emotion when you sit with the statement? And the third filter is, do you feel it physically in your body? There’s is a fourth one sometimes that I see on rare occasions and that’s when you ask somebody something and it’s almost like it’s so uncomfortable for them, they zone out and they literally forget the question. They forget what they were asking themselves. They’re like, “Wait, what’s going on?” And the brain is kind of, the mind is making them seem confused. “I’m not clear on what you’re asking.” And it’s almost like it’s trying to throw up hurdles. Like, “Don’t come near here. We don’t wanna look at this.” So, but the first three, for 99% of people, you can use to determine, do you feel, do you believe something to be true?

And I’ve had, you know, professors, professional athletes, businessmen making, you know, over $100 million. I’ve had people of all walks of life, incredible successes, use these filters on basic statements like, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not important,” “I’m stupid.” And they’re shocked to find that when they peel away, you know, and look underneath the surface and look underneath the carpet, “Holy cow, look at this little bit of dust that’s been accumulating that I’ve been fighting against and trying to convince myself my whole life that those things didn’t exist.”

Katie: That’s amazing. And I know, like I’ll share my own experience which was that I had one that was deeply internalized, which was that I was not good enough despite, like, there was evidence that obviously would’ve shown I was at least good at some things. And I had internalized that a lot. And after, so before working with you and I said that out loud, it felt like there was like a lead vest on my chest. Like when you get an x-ray and they put a lead vest on you. And by the time I had let go of that, it felt like just saying, “I am a giraffe.” Like, it’s just words. So I know the next logical question that people are gonna have if they’re listening is like, “Okay, great, cool. How do we change a belief?” And I know you have a system for this, but walk us through at a high level, like, what happens when we’re able to change the belief and how that works.

Erin: Yeah. So, it is one of my life goals to be able to teach this to people so that someday, people can do it on themselves. But I have yet to figure that out. I still can’t do it on… You know, I do this thousands of times a year over and over and over and I still can’t do it on myself. I need someone else to do it with me. So we have a really simple process that is a series of questions and it kind of simulates what happens when a parent has a conversation with a child and the child goes through this process of rearranging what’s in their mind and understands that everything they ever saw didn’t actually mean that Santa Claus was real. It actually meant the opposite. So it’s helping people understand and really get that what they’re convinced they saw, they didn’t actually see. And it allows the mind to let go of its death grip on, “This is the truth. This is absolutely how it is. I’ve seen evidence of it,” and it allows the mind to let go of it. And when it lets go of it, it’s a permanent opening. It doesn’t come back.

Katie: I got it. Okay. Yeah. And having an experience that I know, like it makes so much sense now.

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Katie: I know a lot of people listening are parents, most of the people listening, in fact. And that was a question I had for you personally was if so much of this is formative in those first seven years, obviously, we’re all as parents going to do things that affect our kids in a way that we don’t want. But are there things we can do to help our kids in that zero to seven, kind of theta state to develop good beliefs?

Erin: Yes. Oh, my God, this is my favorite question. There is one, literally one magical question that if all parents left hospitals with this one question, our entire world would be so different. It would be so different. There’s one question you can use as a parent to totally change, like, how your child feels about himself or herself. And I’ll share that question with you. So the question that you want to be asking yourself every day as you have interactions with your kids, as you teach your kids lessons, as you have conversations with your kids, is this, “What is my child concluding about this interaction?” That’s literally it.

So let me give an example. Let’s say you have a mom who just got a really shocking phone call from the hospital. So she needs to be on this phone call. Somebody in the family is in the hospital. It’s an emergency. She’s on the phone, she’s getting the news, and then suddenly, you know, her child comes walking in and says, “Mommy, mommy, look at my picture. Look at my drawing. I want you to look at my drawing,” because all children want three things, attention, affection, and acknowledgement, right? So the child comes in, “Look at me, look at my picture. Mom, look.” So a, you know, “normal” parent or someone who’s not asking themselves this important question all the time might go, “Shhhhh, Honey,” and then kind of, you know, wave the child off. “Go in the other room. Don’t… Mommy’s busy. Just go, go, go, go. This is very important. Go away.” Right? Something like that. “Shh,” shush our kid away.

And most people would say, “Well, that’s understandable. She’s on an emergency call. That’s fine.” But children during this stage of development can only come to conclusions about themselves. “This is happening because of me.” They’re in the egocentric stage of development. So, when they experience mom doing that, they don’t have empathy. They can’t put themselves in mom’s shoes like an adult can. The only conclusion they can come to is about themselves. And so the conclusion they’re gonna reach in that interaction is going to be about them. It’s gonna be, “I’m not important. I’m not lovable.” And they’re gonna walk away. And those are the only conclusions they’re gonna reach.

Now, if a parent, if you’re on the phone and you’re having this conversation with the hospital and the child comes in, even though you’re under stress and that one question rolls through your mind, “What is my child going to conclude from this interaction?” You might just take an extra four seconds and act differently. And you might go, “Honey, mom is on the phone with the hospital. This is a very urgent, very important conversation. I love you deeply. I care about you so much and I cannot wait to see your picture. Can you please give mommy 10 minutes and then I am gonna spend lots of time with you later looking at your picture and giving you lots of hugs. Can you please go to the other room? I love you so much.”

You add in a few additional statements and you can still be stressed. You can still send your child away. You can still do what you need to do. You can still have the time to yourself, but with the, and the child may still be cranky. They may still want your attention. They may still pout and leave the room and go Wah! and whine, but they will not conclude that they are not loved. They will not conclude that they are not important. That is what changes everything because children cannot come to adult-level conclusions. They cannot empathize. They cannot put themselves in your shoes. They cannot understand what they’re going through. All of their conclusions are, “I caused this. This is happening to me because I am “blank’.”

So if you can always ask yourself, “What is my child concluding?” especially about himself or herself from this interaction, you’ll be providing a lot more statements like, “I love you,” and, “You’re very important to me and”, “You’re very special. You’re very smart,” and so that children don’t come to false conclusions about themselves because they’re not able to come to these logical interpretations of your actions that makes sense for an adult but not to them. That can literally change the entire, your entire future for your child, their sense of self and their sense of self-esteem.

Katie: So as a, like a short follow-up to that plea, is it, I mean, because as you said that to me when, when you said it in person, I was thinking, “Oh, I wish I could go back and kind of redo so many things in the past with my kids.” And I’ve got kids who are past seven years old. Is there still a way we can start, like, using that language even when they’re older and hopefully help, like, rebuild that even though that, we weren’t using it when they were really young?

Erin: Absolutely. And I think these are the kinds of conversations where we can say like, you know, “I made a mistake,” or, “I got angry, I’d like to apologize and show them that this is what happens when we make mistakes. This is what happens when, you know, apologies are things that we do when we mess up.” It’s never too late and even though it’s harder to override things that were kind of locked in at a young age, we definitely don’t wanna go around going, “Well, past seven. Nothing we can do here,” and kind of like, “There we go.” We do wanna continue to set examples and we can’t override things as kids age.

Katie: Got it. And I know I wanna respect your time because you have another interview today. I will make sure that, you’ve mentioned a few things and you’ve written about them on your website. I’ll make sure I link to those in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. And I know that you also have a blog on your site as well as a free training and people can find you there. But really quickly, where can people find you online and any parting advice for someone who’s like, “Oh, my gosh, how do I take part?”

Erin: Sure. So people can find me at my website, which is mindfixgroup.com. I’m also pretty active still on Facebook on just my personal profile. You can look me up, Erin Pheil, I’m literally the only Erin Pheil on Facebook. Pretty easy to find. If someone’s curious and wants to learn more, I’d invite them to take a look through the blog on our website. There’s plenty of articles there. And then, like you mentioned, we also have a training that’s still being offered for free. It’s one full hour, it’s in video, it’s a video and anybody can watch it and that’s… It goes a level deeper than what we talked about today in the interview and would be a really great addition to anybody who’s curious and wants to learn more.

Katie: Perfect. Erin, I know how busy you are. Thank you so much for sharing today and for the time. Like I said, it made a big difference for me personally and I think, hopefully, you’ve helped a lot of our listeners today as well.

Erin: Thank you so much for having me. This was so much fun.

Katie: And as always, thanks to all of you for listening and sharing one of your most valuable assets, your time, with us today. We’re so grateful that you did, and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.



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