How to Live Fearlessly With Rhonda Britten


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Katie: Hello and welcome to the Valence Mama Podcast. I’m Katie at wellinsamama.com, and I think you really enjoy today’s guest as we explore the mental and emotional aspects of health. I’m here with Ron Britten, an Emmy Award-winner, who is a repeat guest at the opera and has worked with thousands of people on the program he calls “Be Fearless.” It has one of the most amazing stories I have heard, in my personal transformation and in my life, all that it is going through, and now helping, as I said, thousands and thousands of people. And in this episode, we delve deeper into how you can pass through fear in your personal life, and also when it is widespread and social, as is true for many people. And it really offers practical tips and tricks for how you can change your inner voice and your inner fears, and use them to your advantage in life instead of fighting them. So without further ado, let’s learn from Rwanda.

Welcome, Rhonda. Thanks for being here.

Rhonda: I’m excited to talk about my favorite topic, Fear, here.

Katie: Well, I think this is a very timely article. There is a lot of uncertainty going on right now, and I think there may not be a more appropriate time to talk about it and maybe, I’m excited to hear from you and get hints from you and I hope that Many people are listening too. But as a background, I would love to hear a bit of your story and how you became the voice of living fearlessly and helping so many thousands of people.

Rhonda: Thanks. Well, you know, it wasn’t … I think most of us are dedicated to helping people, helping people, guiding people, helping them what they are going through, right Is, and especially for the fear of my life / fear because I live in fear most of my life, but I did not know it. And I think Katie is a really important point. I think most people don’t go, saying, “I’m scared”, or “I’m scared.” Maybe now they are actually recognizing him more than usual. But most of us don’t go around saying “I’m scared”, or “I’m scared.” And I didn’t either.

And you know, I did, you know, very different, you know, read books, take workshops, work completely to change my life, but they really make me realize that. But don’t find that there is something wrong with me and, you know, you asked the question like really how did it all start? Well, you know, if I really look back and see where it all started, this was when I was 14 years old. And, you know, my favorite book at the time was “Why I’m Afraid to Tell You Who I Am,” which I find completely ironic that I now teach people who he is. Don’t be scared, okay, okay?

But it was Father’s Day. My parents were recently separated and I, you know, my dad came to take us to the brunch, you know, here are three kids, two adults, five people. We never really went to dinner, lunch or brunch. So it was a very special event. And my dad comes, “Come on, come on.” My sisters are fighting in the bathroom. I have two sisters. We lived in a house of about 8 850 square feet. And my mom and I go out with my dad, my sisters are still fighting in the bathroom, and my dad looks at me and says, “I’ve got to take my coat off the car.” And so he opened his trunk to grab his coat. But instead of grabbing his coat, he grabbed a gun and he yelled at my mother, “You forced me to do this.” You forced me to do this. “And I start screaming,” What are you doing, Father? What are you doing? ” And he shot my mom and I went to the gym, okay? I don’t know what to do I’m frozen and my dad cocks a gun and points it at me. And I’m pretty sure I’m next. And my father looks at me. I look at her, and like that, we’re literally like an eyeball and you know, she blinks, I blink, and I’m just waiting. I’m just waiting for the bullet.

And in my mother’s literal last breath, she sees this gun in my face and screams, “No, stop.” And my dad is realizing my mom is alive, she’s shot for me and shoots my mom a second time. And this second bullet goes through my mother’s stomach, her back comes out and lands in the car horn. And so for the next 20 minutes, all I heard was BEEP. And then my father grabbed the gun again and he fell to his knees, put the gun on his head and opened fire.

So in two minutes, I saw my father murdering my mother and committing suicide in front of me. And I don’t know what other people will respond to, but basically, what I respond to … I mean, I didn’t do anything to prevent my father from killing his mother. You know, I blamed myself. I didn’t catch a gun. I did not do anything brave. I didn’t kick him in the knees. I did not jump in front of my mother. I didn’t do any superhero things. I was just standing there saying, “Wait, wait,” okay? And in that moment, I split Katie into basically two. You know, half of me was, you know, “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m a straightforward student. I’m still a straightforward student, and I’m not going to pretend that is all.” There was only so much guilt and shame in the other part of me.

And, you know, when you witness your father’s death for your father, you will never find happiness again. Like I really resigned myself to never being happy. And so in the next 20 years, I tried to kill myself three times. I’m drunk I got three DUIs. And you know, this was the third suicide attempt that I realized I was not good at killing myself and I should find out. And I remember going into my little studio apartment after this third suicide attempt, thinking, “Well, if I’m not going to die, I better survive.”

And, you know, during those 20 years of alcoholism and nightmares, and you know, etc., and during suicide attempts, I read books and I went to workshops and I went to therapy. I did everything one would think they should do. But as I mentioned earlier, there was a strong sense that something was still wrong with me.

And so when I went to this small studio apartment after my third suicide attempt, I was reminding myself, “Like, if I’m not dying, I have to figure out how to survive. And I have to figure it out. “And so I started practicing for myself. And I just want to say, Katie, I wasn’t proud of myself for doing so. I thought I was so bad that I had to make stuff for myself. So I was really, really ashamed that I had to do this. And the good news, though, is that these exercises started to work for me, started changing my mind, changing the way I look at the world, healing me, moving me in the direction that Now called Fair Lessing.

So what I teach today is just an extension, and of course, it’s an extension, because I’ve been doing this for 25 years now, the moment I started at that moment when I had to make a decision, you know. Yes, “Rhonda, you can’t continue like this. You have to make a decision and you have to make a living. You have to make progress. You have to be born to be born. And that was, you know, the germination, the first badge that started … you know, again, he made this offer to the public, or even thought that I was going to Can do it a lot It took many, many years. I mean, it was… It took me many years… You know, from that moment on I started practicing to think that in fact they could help someone other than me. Are.

But that was the moment, you know. I really think I think … I really think that somehow, you know, it’s a matter of life, you know, me and my parents are determined to put fear through our experience differently. To know that I am scared to move and to try to survive and then to myself and to myself. Because once again, for the most part of my life, even then, I never confessed that I was scared. So when I started to understand how fear worked, Katie, everything changed for me. Everything has changed. And it was the beginning of a new life, the beginning of being able to be happy, a start, you know, the peace of mind, a start, you know, the self-esteem and the self-esteem and the self-confidence and the self-acceptance and everything that I’m always longing for

Katie: Wow. I know that every time I hear your story, it just gives me goosebumps and it’s amazing to hear what you’ve conquered and what you’ve faced, which is what many people think. I will face them. And I think that’s very impressive on one hand. Then I think another reaction you can get, I know if you do that, but are there people who didn’t have to go through it as hard as you say, “You know,” I’m not going with anything. If something or fear has passed through this level, do I really need to solve this? Like I need to live a fearless life if I don’t have to face something terrible. ۔

Ronda: Yeah, I think that’s a big question, Katie. And you know, I mean, you know, “Fear is Fear, Fear is Fear,” and every survivor fears whether he knows it or not. And they do because it’s part of our neurology. So, whether they, you know, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Because, you know, we’re talking about it when my dad pulled out this gun, you know, it’s called fear of survival, fear of survival. Like, you know, I’m gonna die, okay? Therefore, most of us do not understand the difference between physical fear and emotional fear. And we really don’t trust us most of our emotional fears. But physical fear, you know, being shot or, you know, being raped or something horrible, you know, for most people, knocking on wood, getting them on a daily basis No experience.

Their physical fear is not what they are facing. But what they are spending most of the day is an emotional fear. E.g., “Do I start my own business?” Well, that decision might be made with the fear we want to believe and more than we know it because it doesn’t seem rational, practical, like, “Well, it doesn’t seem like a good time to do it.” Is, “You know, or we move or fall in love or we leave or whatever decision we have to make most of the time, unless we’re really clean, clean and understand that How fear works, fear is making many decisions for us once again in the guise of rationality or practicality, or, “This is the best thing to do,” or, “Tell me, it’s my mother’s best thing, “Etc. Stay

So, you know, I pray that nobody should experience their work and I pray that no one will have to face terrible situations. But what do I know of the people I have worked with, whether they are ministers, whether they are a resident mother, whether they are CEOs, it does not matter, to everyone, no matter what. They wake up. Or not, because of fear, again, this is part of our neurology. It is part of the functioning of our brain. It is part of the functioning of our body. So unless you understand it, most people get confused and they really believe in the signs of fear rather than believe in their true nature, you know, in their own way. Let’s go

Katie: Wow. Yeah I think it’s such a beautiful detail. And I know another object you probably hear relatively often, and of course, that I’ve been behind for many years and think that some fear is good and that, you know, fear can keep us safe. I even hear that people are teaching their children, you know, “You want to be afraid of strangers and snakes and anything because it keeps you safe.” And so I want to know, what do you say to those who try to argue, you know, why we want to get rid of fear, do we not want to hold onto them?

Rhonda: First of all, you can’t get rid of fear. So it’s impossible. It’s part of our neurology. So there is no salvation from fear. But it is beyond fear. Fear of friendship Great fear. But there is no salvation. So if anyone ever says to you, “Oh, get rid of this fear,” it’s like they have to give you a lactomy, right? As if that’s not possible, right? So it’s about working out your fears. Now, when you listen to parents and, you know, “look through the street,” and, you know, “don’t eat it, it’s really bad for you,” or “you have allergies. Is, “Or you know. Either way, it’s actually a fear of physical survival.

And if I’m in the elevator and I feel like I should get out, or I should get out, then yes, get out. Okay fine? And yes, do I want to do bungee jumping? Not that much, right? So, there’s a big difference between physical fear, you know, what our parents usually tell us, right? Like, you know, watch out for traffic. Be careful, okay? They want to keep us safe. They want to keep us alive. But where the problem is that the brain does not know the difference between emotional fear and physical fear, those same emotions go hand in hand. So the fear of walking on the road, the fear of taking risks, the fear of falling in love, the fear of meeting each other, the fear of telling the truth, the fear of intimacy, the fear of intimacy. Starting my own business, fear of going out?

So the physical fears we have re-taught after the goodness of our parents’ hearts and our community’s hearts, and obviously we want to be physically safe. But once again, what it does is it actually turns into an emotional fear. اور اس طرح وہ جذباتی خوف ، مسترد ہونے کا خوف ، وہ نقصان کا خوف ، قربت کا خوف ، کامیابی کا خوف ، ناکامی کا خوف ، ناکافی ہونے کا خوف ، پاگل نظر آنے کا خوف ، سست ہونے کا خوف ، کا خوف ، کیا آپ جانتے ہیں ، کھونے والا ہے ، ہے نا؟ میں آگے بڑھ سکتا تھا۔ ان خوفوں سے ، آپ جانتے ہو ، خاموشی سے ، کپٹی سے ، ہماری سوچ کو متاثر کرتے ہیں۔ اور ایک بار پھر ، یہ سب ہمارے دماغ سے ہے۔ یہ ایسی چیز نہیں ہے جسے آپ جانتے ہو ، میں نے آدھی رات کو قضاء کیا تھا اور آپ کو معلوم ہوگا کہ یہ سائنسی بنیاد نہیں ہے۔ یہ ایسا ہے ، نہیں ، نہیں ، نہیں ، نہیں۔ یہ ہماری اعصابی سائنس ہے اور ہماری نیوروبیولوجی ، دماغ ، جسمانی خوف اور جذباتی خوف کے درمیان فرق نہیں جانتا ہے۔ دماغ کسی چیز کے درمیان فرق نہیں جانتا ہے جو آپ بناتے ہیں اس کے مقابلہ میں جو اصلی ہے۔ لہذا آپ نیٹ ورکنگ میٹنگ میں جاتے ہیں یا آپ کسی پارٹی میں جاتے ہیں اور آپ کہتے ہیں ، “یہ میرے لوگ نہیں ہیں ،” آپ نے مجھے شرط لگا دی ہے کہ آپ کو معلوم ہے ، اور آپ اسے بدیہی کہتے ہیں۔ لیکن آپ نے خوف کے اپنے نیورو بائیوولوجی کی وجہ سے اس کو تیار کیا ہے۔

لہذا دماغ جسمانی اور جذباتی کے درمیان فرق نہیں جانتا ہے ، کیا حقیقی اور خیالی کے درمیان فرق نہیں جانتا ہے۔ وہ اب جو دریافت کررہے ہیں وہ یہ ہے کہ ، خوف ، کئی بار ، ہمارے ڈی این اے کے ذریعے دے دیا جاتا ہے۔ تو کچھ چیزیں جن سے آپ خوفزدہ ہیں وہ واقعی آپ کی عظیم ، نانی ، نانی کی طرف سے آیا ہے نا؟ اور دوسری چیز جس کے بارے میں ہم خوف کے بارے میں جانتے ہیں وہ یہ ہے کہ اس سے کوئی چھٹکارا نہیں پا رہا ہے ، ٹھیک ہے؟ اس سے کوئی چھٹکارا حاصل نہیں ہے۔ لہذا آپ اس کے ساتھ کام کرنے کا طریقہ سیکھنا چاہتے ہیں۔ آپ اس کے مقصد کو سمجھنا چاہتے ہیں تاکہ آپ اس سے مزید باز نہ آئیں ، تاکہ آپ کو معلوم ہوجائے کہ آزادی کے مقابلے میں خوف کیسا لگتا ہے۔ آپ خوف اور محبت میں فرق جانتے ہیں۔ آپ کے درمیان فرق معلوم ہے ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، خوف سے ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، ہونے کی وجہ سے ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، آپ کا مستند خود بمقابلہ آپ کا مستند خود ہونے کے خطرے میں ہے۔

جیسے ، آپ کو فرق معلوم ہے تاکہ آپ ایسی زندگی میں چل سکیں جو واقعی آپ کے مطابق ہو ، یہ آپ کی زندگی بسر کرنا ہے اور خوف آپ کے لئے فیصلہ نہیں ہونے دینا کیوں کہ خوف لطیف ، کپٹی ہے۔ یہ آپ جانتے ہر چیز کو جانتا ہے۔ یہ آپ جتنا ہوشیار ہے ، آپ جتنے بھی تعلیم یافتہ ہیں ، روحانی آپ جتنے ہیں ، آپ اتنے ہی باخبر ہیں۔ لہذا یہ وہ سب کچھ استعمال کرتا ہے جو آپ اپنے خلاف جانتے ہو۔ زیادہ روحانی ہو ، یہ زیادہ روحانی ہوتا ہے۔ پھر ، لوگوں کے مابین یہ سوچنا بہت بڑا فرق ہے کہ خوف صرف ایک جسمانی خوف ہے جب واقعی میں ، روز مرہ کی زندگی جس میں سے گزرتے ہیں ، ہمارے جذباتی خوف دراصل ہماری زندگی کا بہت زیادہ فیصلہ کر رہے ہیں ، نہ کہ ہمارے جسمانی خوف سے۔

کیٹی: تو پھر اگر ہم خوف سے چھٹکارا نہیں پا سکتے ہیں ، جو پوری طرح سے معنی رکھتا ہے تو ، آپ نے بتایا کہ ہمیں اس کے ساتھ کام کرنا سیکھنا ہے یا اسے ہمارے لئے اچھا بنانا ہے۔ تو ہمیں چلیں اس کے پہلے مراحل کیا ہیں؟ کیونکہ یہ ایک زبردست عمل کی طرح لگتا ہے۔

رونڈا: ہاں ، یہ آپ کے خیال سے کہیں زیادہ آسان ہے کیونکہ ، واقعی ، میں یہی کام 25 سالوں سے کر رہا ہوں اور مجھے معلوم ہے کہ مجھے ایک آسان عمل کی ضرورت ہے ، ٹھیک ہے؟ جیسے ، میرے پاس کچھ بھی پیچیدہ نہیں تھا ، ٹھیک ہے؟ جیسے ، مجھے اے بی سی کی ضرورت تھی۔ اسے ہر دن رہنے کے ل I ، مجھے اے بی سی کی ضرورت ہے۔ اور اسی طرح میں نے خوف کی پہی calledی اور پہی Fی آزادی کا نامی ایک ایسی چیز تیار کی۔ اور پہیے سے خوف اور پہیے کی آزادی کے چار حصے ہوتے ہیں۔ لیکن میں لوگوں کو راستے پر لانا شروع کرنے کے لئے صرف ایک دو حصوں پر توجہ مرکوز کرنا چاہتا ہوں۔

لہذا خوف کے پہیے میں خوف کے جوابات کے نام سے کوئی چیز ہے۔ ٹھیک ہے. تو مثال کے طور پر ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، ہم سب طرح کے جانتے ہیں کہ ہمارے خیال میں ہمارے مسائل کیا ہیں ، ٹھیک ہے؟ جیسے ہم میں سے بیشتر پسند کرسکتے ہیں ، اپنے مسائل کا نام دیں۔ تم جانتے ہو ، تاخیر ، کمال پسندی ، میں بے چین ہوجاتا ہوں ، مغلوب ہو جاتا ہوں ، تم جانتے ہو۔ تو ہم طرح طرح کے جانتے ہیں ، “اوہ ، میں موازنہ کرتا ہوں۔ میں مقابلہ کرتا ہوں۔ تم جانتے ہو ، میں مجرم محسوس کرتا ہوں۔ میں پریشان ہوں۔ جیسے ، ہم جانتے ہیں۔ “تم جانتے ہو ، میں لوگوں کو۔ تم جانتے ہو ، میں بہت زیادہ دیتا ہوں۔ میں صرف کوئی ہوں جو دیتا ہے۔ ” لہذا ہم سب کو شاید ان طریقوں میں سے کچھ پتہ ہے جن کا خوف اس وقت واقعتا ہم پر اثر انداز ہو رہا ہے۔ اور ہم کیا کرتے ہیں ، کیٹی ، کیا ہم انہیں اپنے مسائل کہتے ہیں ، یا ہم انہیں اپنے کردار کی خامیاں کہتے ہیں ، یا ہم کہتے ہیں کہ وہ ہماری خصوصیت کی نقائص ہیں ، یا ہم کہتے ہیں کہ جس کی وجہ سے ہم برا ہو ، یا ہمارا مسئلہ ہے ، آپ جاننا ، خود کو مارنا ، وغیرہ ، بہانے بنانا ، شکایت کرنا۔

تو سب سے پہلی چیز جس سے میں لوگوں کو راحت دلانا چاہتا ہوں وہی صرف خوف کے ردعمل ہیں۔ لہذا آپ کی تاخیر ، آپ کا کمالیت ، آپ کو مغلوب کر رہے ہیں ، آپ شکایت کر رہے ہیں ، آپ کو مجرم محسوس ہورہا ہے ، آپ پریشان ہیں ، موازنہ کر رہے ہیں ، دوبارہ اپنے آپ کو پیٹ رہے ہیں۔ یہ سب چیزیں اس طرح ہیں جس سے ہماری نیورو بائیوولوجی نے جذباتی نقطہ نظر سے اپنے آپ کو محفوظ رکھنے کا ایک طریقہ پیدا کیا ہے۔ اور جس طرح سے اس نے ہمیں دھوکہ دیا وہ یہ ہے کہ ہمیں لگتا ہے کہ یہ ہمارے مسائل ہیں ، ٹھیک؟ ہمارے خیال میں تاخیر ہمارا مسئلہ ہے۔ اور درحقیقت ، تاخیر صرف ایک علامت ہے ، گہرے خوف کا خدشہ ہے۔

لہذا اگر آپ واقعی یہ دیکھنا شروع کرسکتے ہیں کہ ، “اوہ ، آپ کا مطلب ہے کہ میری زیادتی اس لئے نہیں کہ میں سست ہوں۔” نہیں ، یہ اس لئے نہیں ہے کہ آپ سست ہو۔ نہیں ، یہ دراصل آپ زیادہ کھا رہے ہیں کیونکہ وہاں خوف پیدا کرنے سے ڈر لگتا ہے کہ زیادتی ہو رہی ہے۔ “اوہ ، آپ کا مطلب ہے کہ تاخیر یہ نہیں ہے کہ میں سست ہوں؟” نہیں ایسا نہیں. تاخیر اس لئے نہیں ہے کہ آپ سست ہو۔ تاخیر ، ایک بار پھر ، ایک گہرے اور گہرے خوف کا خوف ہے۔

لہذا ہم شکایت نہیں کریں گے اگر ہمیں خوف نہ ہوتا۔ اگر ہمیں خوف نہ ہوتا تو ہم مغلوب نہیں ہوں گے۔ اگر ہمیں خوف نہ ہوتا تو ہم مجرم محسوس نہیں کریں گے۔ اگر ہمیں خوف نہ ہوتا تو ہم فکر نہیں کریں گے۔ لہذا وہ تمام چیزیں جو ہم سوچتے ہیں وہ ہماری پریشانیاں ہیں ، آپ جانتے ہو ، 3 چیزیں ، 10 چیزیں ، 20 چیزیں ، حقیقت میں ایک چیز کی علامت ہیں اور یہی ہے جس کو میں بنیادی خوف کہتا ہوں ، جو واقعی ان خوف کے تمام ردعمل کو بھڑکاتا ہے۔ . تو ، کیٹی ، سب سے پہلے کاموں میں سے ایک یہ ہے کہ وہ اپنے آپ کو جتنے بھی طریقے سے چلاتے ہیں ، جس طرح سے وہ خود کو چلاتے ہیں ، جس طرح سے ان کو لگتا ہے کہ جس طرح کی پریشانیوں کو لکھتے ہیں وہ لکھتے ہیں۔ تو ، آپ جانتے ہو ، کچھ وقت صرف کریں اور بس جائیں ، “ٹھیک ہے ، ہاں ، میں ملتوی کرتا ہوں۔ ہاں. ہاں. میں مغلوب ہو جاتا ہوں۔ ہاں. ہاں. میں بے چین ہوجاتا ہوں۔ جی ہاں میں ایک کمال پرست ہوں۔ جی ہاں میں کوشش کرتا ہوں. میں ایک کنٹرول شیطان ہوں۔ جی ہاں۔ اور بس انہیں لکھ دیں۔

اس کا مالک بننا شروع کریں ، “ٹھیک ہے ، یہ وہ طریقے ہیں جن سے میں خوفزدہ ہوں تو میں جواب دیتا ہوں۔” اور میں جو چاہتا ہوں کہ سب کو ابھی سنا جائے ، وہ یہ ہے کہ آپ خوف کے پہیے نہیں ہیں۔ آپ خوف کا پہیے نہیں ہیں۔ آپ اپنے پہیے ہوئے خوف کے ساتھ نہیں ہیں۔ اور ان سارے خوف کے رد responعمل کو ایک بار پھر ، ہمارے ڈی این اے کے ذریعہ اعزاز اور تخلیق کیا گیا ، لیکن یہ بھی ، آپ جانتے ہو ، ہمارے کنبے سے ، ہمارے زندگی کے تجربے سے ، آپ کو معلوم ہے ، ہم کس کے ساتھ پھانس گئے ہیں۔ اور خوف کے پہیے کی تشکیل اس وقت ہوئی تھی جب آپ پانچ سال کے تھے۔ لہذا ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، آپ بیوقوف ، سست ، جاہل ، ناکافی ، وغیرہ ، یا بیکار نہیں ہیں۔ آپ جانتے ہیں ، آپ کو صرف ایک خوف لاحق ہے کہ آپ کو پتہ ہی نہیں ہے کہ آپ کو کیا کرنا ہے۔ لہذا آپ نے تاخیر ، مغلوب ، جرم ، شرم ، وغیرہ وغیرہ کے ذریعہ اس کا انتظام کرنے کا ایک طریقہ تیار کیا ہے۔

لہذا ، سب سے پہلے ، کیٹی ، صرف کچھ چیزوں کو لکھنا شروع کرنا ہے جو آپ کرتے ہیں اور واقعتا not نوٹس کرنا اور یہ جاننا شروع کرنا کہ یہ کوئی خامی نہیں ہیں ، آپ کے ساتھ کوئی حرج نہیں ہے۔ اور اگر میں ہر ایک سے ایک بات کہہ سکتا ہوں تو ، ایسا ہے جیسے آپ کے ساتھ کوئی غلط بات نہیں ہے۔ آپ کے ساتھ کوئی حرج نہیں ہے۔ آپ کے ساتھ کوئی حرج نہیں ہے۔ یہ صرف خوف ہے لہذا مجھے لگتا ہے کہ کرنا شروع کرنے میں سب سے آسان چیزوں میں سے ایک یہ ہے کہ ان پر توجہ دی جائے۔ اور پھر ، یقینا ، آپ جانتے ہو ، میں مؤکلوں کے ساتھ کام کرتا ہوں اور ، یقینا my ، اپنی کتاب اور ورکشاپس وغیرہ میں ، میں لوگوں کو اس بنیادی خوف کی نشاندہی کرنے میں مدد کرتا ہوں کہ ان کو یہ خوف ہے کہ واقعی یہ تمام سلوک چلاتا ہے۔

اور پہلی ایک چیز جس کا لوگ تجربہ کرتے ہیں جب وہ سمجھتے ہیں کہ ان کا بنیادی خوف کیا ہے ، کیونکہ آپ کا بنیادی خوف شاید ناکامی کا خوف نہیں ہے۔ It’s probably. کامیابی کا خوف نہیں ، شاید مسترد ہونے کا خوف نہیں ہے۔ یہ سب واقعی شاید ردعمل سے خوفزدہ ہیں۔ لیکن جب آپ اس بنیادی خوف کی نشاندہی کرتے ہیں تو ، میں جو بار بار لوگوں سے سنتا ہوں وہ میری زندگی کے معنی میں ہے۔ میں سمجھتا ہوں کہ میں نے اپنا سب کچھ کیوں کیا ہے اور ذہنی سکون کی سطح آجاتی ہے کیوں کہ اب آپ جانتے ہو ، یہ آپ نہیں ہیں۔ آپ برا آدمی نہیں ہیں۔ آپ بیوقوف شخص نہیں ہیں۔ آپ سست شخص نہیں ہیں۔ آپ ایک نہیں ہیں… آپ کو معلوم ہے ، آپ کے ساتھ کچھ غلط نہیں ہے۔ یہ دراصل ایک انفرادی خوف ہے جو آپ کے پانچ سال ہونے کے بعد پیدا ہوا تھا۔ اور لہذا ہم صرف 30 ، 40 ، 50 سال کی عمر میں اس پر عمل کر رہے ہیں کیونکہ اس نے کسی سطح پر کام کیا ہے۔ اس نے ہمیں کسی نہ کسی سطح پر محفوظ رکھا ہے۔ اور اس طرح ، آپ جانتے ہو ، خوف صرف ایک کام اور ایک کام کرنا چاہتا ہے اور یہ صرف ہمیں محفوظ رکھنا چاہتا ہے۔ اور ہم نے اس میں خریداری کی ہے کیونکہ ہمیں کوئی فرق نہیں معلوم ، ٹھیک ہے؟

تو پھر ، سب سے پہلی بات جو میں لوگوں کو کرنے کی دعوت دوں وہ یہ ہے کہ وہ ان چیزوں کو پہچاننا شروع کریں جن سے وہ کرتے ہیں اور انہیں مختلف لیبل لگانا شروع کردیتے ہیں۔ اس کے بجائے ، “یہ میرے پریشانی ہیں ،” جاؤ ، “یہ میرے خوف کے ردعمل ہیں۔ جب میں ڈرتا ہوں تو اس طرح میں جواب دیتا ہوں۔ یہ کردار کی خامیاں نہیں ہیں۔ میں برا نہیں ہوں کیونکہ میں یہ چیزیں کرتا ہوں۔ یہ صرف وہ چیزیں ہیں جو میں خودبخود کرتی ہوں کیونکہ اسی طرح مجھے خوف کے جواب دینے کے لئے تربیت دی گئی ہے۔ لیکن اس کا ایک مختلف طریقہ ہے۔

کیٹی: اس سے بہت زیادہ معنی آتا ہے۔ اور میں نے تجربہ کیا ہے کہ پچھلے کچھ سالوں میں خود بھی ماضی کے کچھ تجربات سے گذر رہا ہوں۔ اور یہ سمجھنے کا ایک گہرا لمحہ تھا کہ ان میں سے کچھ چیزوں پر میں اپنے آپ سے بہت ناراض تھا اور میں ماضی نہیں ہورہا تھا ، یہ احساس کرتے ہوئے کہ انہوں نے مخصوص اوقات میں میری بہت سی طرح سے حفاظت کی اور یہاں تک کہ میری مدد کی۔ بن جاو میں اب کون ہوں اور یہ کہ وہ… اور بنیادی طور پر اپنے آپ سے مایوسی اور ان چیزوں سے خوف زدہ ہونے کی طرح اس مقام پر تشریف لائے کہ میرا دماغ اور میرا جسم جانتا ہے کہ مجھے بچانے کے لئے کیا کرنا ہے اور پھر یہ کہنے کے قابل ، “لیکن مجھے آپ کی ضرورت نہیں ہے کہ اب آپ مجھے اس طرح محفوظ رکھیں۔”

اور اس لئے میں جاننا چاہتا ہوں کہ اگلا قدم کیا ہے؟ جیسے ، ایک بار جب ہم اس کی نشاندہی کرنے کے قابل ہوجائیں تو ، میں اندازہ کروں گا کہ یہاں بہت زیادہ نفس خودی ہے جو صرف اس بات کا احساس کرنے کے قابل ہے کہ یہ کوئی کمی نہیں ہے۔ میں نہیں ہوں ، تم جانتے ہو ، اس کی وجہ سے اچھا نہیں ہے۔ ” لیکن اس کے بعد ہمارا دوست بنانے اور آگے بڑھنے کا اگلا قدم کیا ہے؟

رونڈا: ٹھیک ہے ، خوف کے پہیے کے نام سے ایک ایسی چیز ہے جس کا میں نے ذکر کیا ہے اور پھر وہیل فریڈم۔ اور میں لوگوں کی مدد کرنے میں ، ایک بار پھر ، جیسا کہ میں نے کہا ، ان کے اصل خوف کی نشاندہی کریں ، لیکن اس سے بھی اہم بات ، میں ان کی ان کے راستے کی شناخت میں مدد کرتا ہوں۔ آپ جانتے ہو ، ہم ذہنی ماڈل اور فلٹرنگ سسٹم کے بارے میں بہت کچھ سنتے ہیں۔ اور نیورو سائنس اب کہتا ہے کہ بنیادی سطح پر اپنی زندگی کو صحیح معنوں میں بدلنے کا واحد راستہ یہ ہے کہ آپ دنیا کو کیسے فلٹر کرتے ہیں۔ لفظی طور پر ، جو شیشے آپ پہنتے ہیں اسے تبدیل کریں۔ لفظی طور پر ، دنیا کو مختلف انداز سے دیکھنا شروع کریں۔ اور وہی ہے جو پہیے کا خوف اور پہیے کی آزادی کا کام کرتے ہیں۔ آپ پہیے سے خوف کے فلٹر سے وہیل آف فریڈم فلٹر پر چلے جاتے ہیں۔

اب ، میں یہاں کیٹیٹی دینا چاہتا ہوں ، کیٹی ، آپ کو معلوم ہے ، میں جانتا ہوں کہ لوگ شاید نڈر ، around 80 فیصد کے آس پاس چل رہے ہیں ، ٹھیک ہے؟ کچھ لوگ 20٪ نڈر ہیں ، لیکن ہماری زندگی کے کچھ شعبے ایسے ہیں جہاں ہم پہلے ہی قدرتی طور پر یہ کام کر رہے ہیں۔ آپ جانتے ہو کہ ہم قدرتی طور پر نڈر ہیں ، لیکن زندگی کے دوسرے شعبے بھی ہیں جو خوف ہمارے ساتھ چلتا ہے۔ تو ہم کیریئر میں نڈر ہو سکتے ہیں ، لیکن تعلقات میں خوفزدہ ہیں ، اور ہماری تمام پریشانی سامنے آتی ہے ، ہماری ساری پریشانی سامنے آتی ہے۔ یا یہ مختلف اور مخالف ہوسکتا ہے۔ جیسے ، “اوہ ، میرے خدا ، میرے تعلقات بہت اچھے ہیں۔ میں واقعتا بات چیت اور مباشرت کرنے کے قابل ہوں ، لیکن یہ میرا کیریئر ہے جہاں میں سب پیسوں اور قیمتوں میں پھنس جاتا ہوں ، اوہ ، تم جانتے ہو ، پیسہ بناتے ہو اور اوہ ، میں کیا کروں؟ “

اور ہم میں سے کچھ ان علاقوں میں بہت اچھے ہیں اور اپنی دیکھ بھال اور کھیل اور روابط کے ساتھ مشکل وقت گزار رہے ہیں ، ٹھیک ہے؟ لہذا میں یہ اشارہ نہیں کر رہا ہوں کہ ہر جگہ ہر جگہ خوف آتا ہے ، لیکن میں چاہتا ہوں کہ ، آپ سب سے پہلے ، واقعی اس علاقے کا نام بتائیں جس سے آپ کو کچھ خوف ہے اور آپ اپنے آپ پر شک کرتے ہیں ، کہ آپ خود کو نیچے رکھیں گے ، اور آپ یہ کریں گے۔ خود کا موازنہ دوسروں سے کرو۔ میں سمجھتا ہوں کہ خود کو ان چیزوں کا کریڈٹ دینا شروع کرنا واقعی اہم ہے جو آپ نے پہلے ہی سنبھال رکھے ہیں ، اور جن علاقوں میں آپ کی طرح ہیں ، “ٹھیک ہے ، خوف کے ردعمل مکمل طور پر شو چلا رہے ہیں ،” ٹھیک ہے؟

لہذا میں لوگوں کی مدد کرنے میں مدد کرتا ہوں کہ اسے اس جگہ کی بنیادی نوعیت کیا کہتے ہیں جس سے وہ اپنی اصلی فطرت میں دوبارہ لنگر ڈال سکتے ہیں۔ لہذا میں لوگوں کو اپنے فلٹرنگ سسٹم کو خوف کے پہیے سے پہیے سے آزادی کے پہیے میں منتقل کرنے میں مدد کرتا ہوں۔ اب ، آپ نے ایک ایسا لفظ سامنے لایا جسے تشکر کہتے ہیں۔ اور میں پیار کرتا ہوں کہ آپ نے یہ کیٹی ، کیوں کہ میں بھی نہ صرف ایک منٹ کے لئے شکرگزار کے بارے میں بات کرنا چاہتا ہوں ، بلکہ میں ایسی بات کے بارے میں بھی بات کرنا چاہتا ہوں جس کو اعتراف کہتے ہیں۔ اور یہ دو مشقیں ہیں جو لوگ فورا. کر سکتے ہیں جو اپنی اور دنیا کی آراء کے بارے میں اپنی رائے بدلنا شروع کردیں گے۔ تو ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، کیٹی ، آپ نے شکریہ ادا کیا اور میں ہمیشہ ایسے لوگوں سے کہتا ہوں جن کا شکریہ ادا کرنے کے ساتھ مشکل وقت ہوتا ہے ، وہ دنیا کو مورد الزام ٹھہراتے ہیں۔

لہذا اگر آپ کا شکریہ ادا کرنے میں مشکل وقت ہے اور آپ کو یہ کہنا مشکل ہے ، جیسے کہ ، “میں اس کے لئے شکر گزار ہوں ،” تو آپ شاید دنیا کو مورد الزام ٹھہرا رہے ہیں۔ اب ، نفاذِ زندگی کی دنیا میں ، جس کے بارے میں میں وضاحت کروں گا کہ کیا کرنا ہے ، کی تصدیق ہے ، اگر آپ کو اپنے آپ کو تسلیم کرنے میں کوئی مشکل وقت درپیش ہے ، تو آپ اپنے آپ کو مورد الزام ٹھہراتے ہیں ، ٹھیک ہے؟ تو اسی طرح خوف کا آپ کے ساتھ راستہ ہے آپ خود ہی الزام لگاتے ہیں۔ لہذا نڈر رہنا ، کیٹی کا شکریہ ادا کرنے کی دنیا میں ، آپ لکھتے ہیں ، “آج میں ان کا مشکور ہوں…” اور آپ واقعی میں مخصوص ہوجائیں۔ اور ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، لہذا آپ “آج ، نیلے آسمان کے لئے شکر گزار ہوں” نہیں لکھتے ہیں۔ آپ لکھتے ہیں ، “آج ، میں گل داؤدیوں کے شکر گزار ہوں ، جس کے بارے میں آپ جانتے ہو ، ٹوٹا ہوا فٹ پاتھ ، آپ جانتے ہو ، ٹھیک ہے؟” جیسا کہ آپ واقعی مخصوص ہیں کیونکہ جب آپ اپنے شکرگزاروں اور اعترافات کے ساتھ مخصوص ہوں تو ، اس سے ایک تجربہ تخلیق ہوتا ہے۔

ٹھیک ہے ، ایک وزنی تجربہ کیا ہے؟ اس کا مطلب یہ ہے کہ یہ آپ کے جسم میں زندہ ہے اور حقیقت میں یہ آپ کو خودبخود منتقل ہوتا ہے کہ آپ دنیا کو کس طرح دیکھتے ہیں۔ یہ آپ کے فلٹرنگ سسٹم کو بدل دیتا ہے۔ لہذا ہم نہیں چاہتے کہ یہ دانشورانہ مشق ہو۔ ہم چاہتے ہیں کہ یہ نگاہ بن جائے۔ اور آپ کو کس طرح مرض ملتا ہے؟ مخصوص ہونے کے ناطے ، “نہیں” بھی نہیں کہتے۔ لہذا ، جیسے کہ ، “آپ جانتے ہیں ، میں واقعی میں ہوں …” یا میں اس کا اعتراف استعمال کروں گا ، “میں شکایت نہیں کرنے پر اپنے آپ کو تسلیم کرتا ہوں ،” اوہ۔ ہم اعتراف میں اس بارے میں بات کرنا چاہتے ہیں کہ ہم جو کچھ نہیں کر رہے ہیں اس کی بجائے ہم کیا کر رہے ہیں۔ لہذا ، “میں نے شکایت نہ کرنے پر اپنے آپ کو تسلیم کیا ،” اہ۔ یہ وہی ہے جو آپ نہیں کر رہے ہیں۔ آپ شکایت کرنے کے بجائے کیا کر رہے ہیں؟ Oh, “I acknowledge myself for giving myself a break when it came to missing a deadline at work,” right? Like, acknowledging yourself.

So, “Today, I’m grateful for…” write it out five times a day. Be as specific as you can be. No nots, and acknowledgments are, “Today, I acknowledge myself, acknowledge myself for any shift, any awareness, any movement forward, anything at all.” So I wanna say a caveat here, Katie, that I don’t care how well somebody does something, right? I could give a crap about how well you do it and I could give a crap about if you finish it or not. Acknowledgments are only about movement forward no matter how minute, no matter how small, no matter how difficult it was. It doesn’t matter about any of those. It’s just really acknowledging yourself.

And acknowledging that movement forward, actually, is the number one confidence builder, number one way to build your confidence overnight is just starting to acknowledge yourself. Because, Katie, what I’ve recognized is that most people acknowledged themselves for like one second and then they point out like, “Well, if I would’ve started sooner,” or “Well, I could have done it better,” or “Well…” and they literally take away their movement forward by now evaluating it and judging it, how it could have been if they would have only done A, B and C.

Now, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have discernment and get better, but you first have to acknowledge where you’ve come from. So gratitudes and acknowledgments are critical tools to use to start shifting your fear responses into what we call the Wheel of Freedom, start moving you forward from fear to freedom. So do your gratitudes about the world. Gratitudes are outside of yourself. They’re about the world out there, and acknowledgments are all about you, about how you’re living in this world and how you’re moving forward. If you do five gratitudes and five acknowledgments today, I’m gonna tell you right now that within 24 hours, 36 hours, you’re gonna start seeing a different world and experiencing a different world.

So I’m not gonna tell you what not to do. I’m not gonna say, “Quit complaining,” that, for most of us, is difficult to do, right? Instead, we’re gonna talk about what we’re going to do instead of complaining, what we’re gonna do instead of beating ourselves up, what we’re gonna do instead. And we’re gonna start moving towards who we want to be, what’s our true nature, where we wanna go, rather than focusing on what we should stop doing. So we wanna start shifting that, you know, that viewpoint of self-help, personal development, spirituality, etc., from stopping to starting, to where do we wanna go versus, you know, don’t focus on what you want to stop, instead focus on replacing. Does that make sense?

Katie: It does. I think that’s probably such a powerful and paradigm shift, you know, that we…and when you can make that, I can only imagine how that will spill over into every other area of life. And I’m guessing there’s an element here. It makes me think of… I know patterns I can say I’ve fallen into in the past and that I have seen in other people, which is when people tend to fall into patterns of complaining or making excuses, which you touched on. So I’m curious both if we can recognize in ourselves that that’s a thing that we do, how we can work through that, or if that’s something that those close to us do. Is there anything we can do both to help our own mindset or to help them in those instances?

Rhonda: Well, complaining, you know, one of the great things is, you know, complaining we do for many reasons and what I’d love people to do is complain, turn complaining into venting. And, you know, most of us have heard the word venting, but in actuality, we’re actually complaining, we’re not venting. So let me tell you the difference between complaining and venting. And then I’ll give you a little language for those people in your life that are big complainers and you no longer wanna participate, what do you say to them? ٹھیک ہے؟ So complaining is, “I’m committed to keeping the problem alive.” Like I’m complaining, I’m trying to get you to buy in that there’s a problem and I want to focus on the problem.

So I wanna keep talking about the problem. I wanna keep talking about my husband being this way or my boss being that way, or my coworker being this way, or my sister being this way. And I wanna complain about this and complain about that. And I want you to buy in. I want you to buy in because that’s how we feel, you know, that we’re right. That’s how we feel loved, right? That’s how we feel understood. Which brings me to a side note, Katie, is that most people wanna be understood. And what I teach my clients, what I teach my students, is most of us want to be understood, but we don’t really…we’re not really looking for understanding. What we’re really looking for is agreement.

So one of the ways that complaining works for us, is we’re really looking for agreement. We’re not looking to be understood. We don’t want…because we think, “Well, if you really understood me, you would agree with me.” But it’s like that, you know, the fear wants us to get agreement so that we’re safe because if we don’t agree, then maybe I’m not safe, right? So just FYI, you know, complaining is committed to the problem. So now what is venting? Venting is committed to the solution, i.e., “I have a lot of anger right now. I’m really frustrated right now. I’m feeling really, you know, POed right now I’m really upset about something.”

Well, we wanna move that energy because we are basically energy beings. That’s what we are. That’s what, you know, neuroscience now tells us, that our whole being, our whole neurobiology and our whole biology is actually to keep our energy in place, to keep us having energy, right? And we have to monitor our energy. And making decisions takes energy. That’s why we just make the same decisions, even though we think we’re making different ones, but they’re kind of the same. They’re still out of fear because it just saves energy.

So venting actually says, “You know what? I’m a little upset right now and I need to move this energy through me. So I’m gonna honor this feeling of upset, of anger, of whatever, by speaking it out loud to somebody I trust or, you know, yelling in the clouds or, again, however you wanna move it through you. But I’m also committed to moving through it and to find a solution.” So venting is, “I know I’m awake to being upset. I know I need to move it through me. So I’m gonna call up a good friend and say, “Hey, by the way, can I just… I’m really upset about something. Will you listen? Don’t, you know, give me advice. Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t tell me I’m right. You know, just listen because I need to move through this so I can think clearly so that I now can come up with a solution.”

So most of us are not venting to each other. We’re complaining to each other and getting…trying to get buy-in to validate our thoughts, to validate that life isn’t fair, to validate that we’re victims, that it’s not our fault, right? But instead, we wanna take that feeling and move it through us by honoring it, by saying it, writing it, speaking it, you know, going, you know, to the river and throwing things in it, whatever we wanna do to let it move through us. But knowing that we are committed to move through it so that we can be clear to make a different decision. We know this isn’t real. The fear isn’t real, per se. The anger isn’t real. Even though it feels real, we go, “I know I’m angry right now, but I know ultimately, I’m not committed to keeping my anger alive. I’m committed to moving through my anger.”

And so then we allow that to move through. And then we can have a venting partner. Again, you can call up a friend, and then when you vent, it’s like you can breathe and go, “Okay, whew, I got that. I got through that. I might have to do it a few times, but I moved through it. And now I can think clearly to make a different decision that’s based on my values, based on my wheel of freedom, based on who I really want to be, based on the decisions that really support me, that really are who I really am at my core.” Instead of being angry and doing things that we’re not proud of after we do them, right? That we’re just so angry that we lash out, that we, you know, do things that were just like, “God, I wish I didn’t do that afterwards,” right?

So that’s really important to take that complaining and turning it into venting. So we honor our feelings, we honor our feelings, but we act on our commitments. So we honor our feelings, but we act on our commitments. So that’s the thing about complaining. Move it to venting. And also, of course, then we use gratitude after that. So we go from complaining, move it into venting, and then move into gratitude.

Excuses are a little bit more difficult, Katie, than complaining because excuses feel really real, right? Like I can use, “Well, my father killed my mother as an excuse,” right? Like, “Wow, that’s why I became an alcoholic.” And everybody goes, “Well, of course, you would,” right? So excuses…complaining, we can kind of call each other out. But excuses are really based on a seed of truth that we then take into reality and actually make real even more, right? So excuses are a little bit more difficult to suss out because we have evidence for those excuses that we should be cautious, that we should…this should…this is real, right? So I think complaining, again, is easier to identify and excuses again, have that seed of truth that we have a difficult time calling ourselves out for.

So I mean that’s when we get to do the real truthful, authentic work, about the difference between, “Okay, wait a minute, I’m making an excuse. And do I want that to continue to be my reality?” Like asking ourselves, “Okay, so yes, my father killed my mother and killed himself. Got it. So did that cause a lot of pain? Yes. Did that cause self-doubt? Yes. Self-Hatred, all those… Yes it did. But do I want to keep believing that?” You actually have to decide, Katie, do you want to keep believing that or do you want to decide something different? Do you want to decide that this is, like you said a minute ago about, “Okay, this is a lesson. this is a blessing. This is a gratitude. Like, oh my God, this happened and now I get to do this with it.”

So I think excuses are more subtle and they’re more, you know, difficult to kind of call out. But I think that if we kind of embrace that there are times in our lives, all of our lives, that we are victims of our excuses, the more gentle we can be with ourselves, the more compassion we can give. And the more than we can call ourselves out and say, “You know what? This excuse no longer serves me. I’m gonna shift it. I’m gonna move into acknowledgment. I’m gonna move into different… I’m gonna see this differently. I’m gonna move past this.”

Katie: I love that.

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And to go back to something you’ve mentioned a couple of times, you’ve mentioned kind of that core fear and how they formed so early. And I know for me, one of those certainly was this feeling of like, I’m not good enough. And when I started working on that and trying to like go through all these steps and to really face that, I was confronted with a few things. But one I worried that I was partially able to be so driven and to be so productive because of that and I had seen it manifest in my life. So I worried that if that went away, I would like lose my edge or I’d lose my ability to get things done.

So I guess, two-part question, one would be, you know, is there a downside when we let go of these fears? And also, because I’ve heard this from now so many people, is there anyone of us that doesn’t face some form of that question? I kind of think like, you know, I think we have these internal questions that come up to us and it’s like, am I good enough? Am I lovable? Am I worthy of respect? You know, does everyone have that in some form?

Rhonda: Yup. Everybody does, even the Dalai Lama. Yep. Absolutely. And I love that you brought up a fear of not being good enough because that’s the generalized wheel of fear. So, you know, we help you find your specific wheel of fear that’s unique to you. But generally, if we wanna say like, you know, a generic…it’s a generic version of a wheel of fear is, you know, all of us in some way or another feel some sort of feeling of not feeling good enough on some level, right?

And then with the Wheel of Fear, we kind of personalize it and individualize it so it has more oomph and more like, “Oh God, yes, that’s it,” right? So yeah, everybody has…that’s how the Wheel of Fear works. It’s how fear works in our neurobiology. Remember, it’s about keeping us safe. So what does that mean? That means that your fear of not being good enough and whatever version that is, personalized version, is because you are now in the unknown, right? Fear only visits us when we’re in the unknown. It doesn’t come in when we’re eating Doritos on the couch watching our favorite show on Netflix, right? It doesn’t come up. It only comes up when we’re having a new thought, when we’re having a new experience, when we’re, you know, wanting to take a step forward. And again, it could be just a thought. It could be just a thought. It’s not about just taking action. Our thoughts scare the crap out of us.

So, you know that not feeling good enough, you know, says like, “Okay, see this is the unknown. We don’t know what to do.” And fear says, “I can’t guarantee your safety. I can’t keep you safe here because I don’t know what’s gonna happen,” because neuroscience has shown now, Katie, that basically, the way we’re wired is to look at the past for a template, for our present situation, okay? So we literally automatically, unconsciously, look in the past for a solution to our present problems. And that’s why it feels like we’re repeating the past even though it may look better, it may have a different name, may, you know, like, it didn’t come up for two years, but now we’re like, “Are you kidding me? It’s happening again. I thought I picked differently this time,” right? Because the brain and body only know how to look at what’s already happened, the known, to look for solutions to problem-solve.

So unless you are consciously awake and aware to start using what’s called the frontal lobe and start making a new choice, a different choice, and being able to step in the unknown, your automatic responses will always be based on the past. So, you know, that fear not being good enough, you’re thinking of opening that business or falling in love or whatever, and it goes, “Oh well, let’s do it this way.” You know, and, “Oh by the way,” it’s gonna bring up not feeling good enough. So if you’re gonna take a risk, if you’re gonna take a stretch, is what we call Stretch, Risk, or Die in Fearless Living, when we start taking Stretch, Risk, or Die, you know, that fear is going to come up because you are now in the unknown and the Wheel of Fear will be triggered anytime you’re in the unknown, unless you have a different process, unless you have a different way to look at the unknown.

But bottom line is we’re made to stay safe. Our whole being is about safety, is about keeping us alive. And remember, the brain doesn’t know the difference between an emotional risk, emotional fear, versus a physical fear. So you thinking about falling in love, or you thinking about getting married, or you thinking about opening your business or buying a house or selling a house, any of those things, if it is an unknown, fear will trigger and go, “Yes, we don’t know what to do here. We better use a past solution for the present problem,” which of course is most likely ineffective, right, for many things we wanna do.

So fear is triggered by the unknown. So I always say that freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. Freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. If you’re not capable and not willing to live in the unknown, which means the control freaks out there, which so many of us are, you know, if we’re not willing to give up control and actually step forward into the unknown, the fear has you, fear owns you, right? Fear has you. So we all have that fear of not being good enough in whatever way it shows up for us. It’s something unique. And our whole neurobiology and the way we’re wired is to look in the past for a solution to the present, which again, most likely is ineffective because we’re in a different environment, we’re in a different age, we’re, you know, in a different situation.

And so that’s why we keep feeling like we’re repeating ourselves over and over again, even though we think we’re choosing differently. But we have to be willing to step out into the unknown and become masterful living in the unknown in order to actually have the freedom that we truly desire and truly want.

Katie: That makes sense. And I think another thing that is very top-of-mind for a lot of people listening right now, they probably understand and can identify these things in their own personal lives. But then when we’re facing something that is, you know, big or out of our control or right now like with global stuff going on, or we’re facing fears of our children getting sick or our parents getting sick or these really big…you know, life-threatening disease or chronic illness or things that are bigger than just us being able to live with the fear, what are some tips for that? Because I think we’re in a place societally where there is a lot of overwhelm and anxiety and fear. And so I’d love to hear your insight on how we can work through those things that we can’t just change.

Rhonda: Yeah. So the first thing is that of course, we have to take care of ourselves from a real practical level. You know, we have to make sure that we take care of what needs to be taken care of and not stay in, like, “Why is this happening to me?” Because “Why is this happening to me?” is not helpful and it doesn’t move us forward. So, and why is it happening to you is because, you know, we may know and we may not know, right? We may not understand how it’s happening to us. But instead, it’s like, “Okay, so what are the practical applications? What are the practical things that I need to do right now to keep myself physically safe?” because the first thing that we always have to do is to keep ourselves physically safe.

So, you know, trauma work is always about, you know, if you don’t feel emotionally safe, go to the physical first and go, “Well, am I physically safe?” Look around you. Make sure, “Am I physically safe?” If you’re physically safe, then you can start addressing the emotional fears, right? So that’s the first thing is like, just physically, are you safe? You know, do you have everything you need in place? And if you don’t, great, then it’s time to problem-solve. Reach out, ask for help, which, of course, asking for help is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves or another human being. And it’s one of the things that most of us don’t do.

So we have to move into a deep level of self-care, deep level of connection, deep level of seeing our own innocence, moving past all of the fears that we’ve had, about, you know, needing help or asking for help or wanting connection. Like, we gotta get back down to basics of we all have needs. I have a need, you have a need, we all have needs, and can we take care of our own needs and can we take care of the needs of the ones we love? ٹھیک ہے؟ And then can we move into letting go what we’re not in control of?

So I have an exercise that I’ve done with many a client that’s called Control, no Control. And I ask clients to get a piece of paper and, you know, make two columns. What are they in control of and what are they not in control of? And start listing all the things you are in control of and listing all the things you’re not in control of. And so all the things you are in control of, what can you do to actually take charge of that? Like what are the things that you can do? And most of us focus on what we’re not in control of, which increases our anxiety, which increases our overwhelm, which increases our guilt, which increases our, etc., etc., etc., all of our fears. And we’re actually not paying attention to what we actually are in control of. So make the list, make the list of “What am I in control of and what am I not in control of?”

And then, you know, if you’re a believer of God or any spirituality, the things that are not in your control, just hand them over, right? And if you don’t have a spiritual philosophy, then you get to surrender and let go from a human perspective and go, “Okay, I can only control A, B, C, D, E, F,” because I guarantee you, you’re in more control than you think, “And the things that I’m not in control of, yes, I can ask for help, I can seek solutions, I can connect in etc.” Like these times right now are asking us to learn the skills we need to have the life that we want, regardless of the circumstances of our lives.

So this is asking us to reach out when maybe we haven’t reached out, asking for help when maybe we’ve been afraid to ask for help. Being willing to face a fear of rejection or, you know, etc., you know, caring about each other and caring about ourselves. So, you know, fear wants us to isolate, i.e., really like “I only will take care of myself and I only have two preserve myself.” But in fact, the true way to connect, the true way to survive, the true way to expand, the true way to live our destiny is with each other.

And so write that list of Control and not Control and start doing the things that you can control and be willing to…the things you can’t control, are you willing to ask for help? Are you willing to reach out? Are you willing to connect? And what are you willing to really practice letting go of that’s not up to you. It’s not gonna ever be up to you. So what can you do? I think that starts giving us our power back because our power and our helplessness and our hopelessness happens because we only focus on what we’re not in control of.

So when you start kind of grasping and labeling and owning what you can control, you start feeling a little bit more powerful. You start feeling like, “Okay, I can make a difference here. And that’s gonna move you out of that fear zone into freedom zone.”

Katie: I love that. And I think that ties into something that is a theme through a lot of writers that I admire, including you and including people like Victor Frankl who wrote ”Man’s Search for Meaning,” and many of the stoic philosophers that talk about, you know, we don’t have control over the world or what happens to us, but we do always have control over our reactions and how we respond and even how we interpret those events.

And I reread Viktor Frankl every year and it’s always such a great reminder because, you know, like you, he’s been through things much tougher than I have. And so when someone who has been through…I love the quote, you know, “Has been through the fire, comes out carrying water for the rest of us,” it’s just so inspiring. And so I think that’s a wonderful reminder and centering place to think of is that we always have that aspect of control, to choose kindness, to choose our response, to choose gratitude and to choose positivity. And I’m guessing there’s a lot of people listening who a lot of this is resonating with them or they see parts of their lives and things that you’ve said today. I know you’ve also written several books. So for someone who is just kind of delving into this for the first time, where do you recommend them starting?

Rhonda: Well, first thing that I would like them to do is, of course, if they’re ready and willing to read ”Fearless Living” or get the audiobook on audible, you know, etc., start just, you know, listening over and over again to understand how your fear works. Because I think again, I think one of the greatest gifts that “Fearless Living” gives to the world is a release of shame. You know, I know when people find their Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom and really understand that it’s not them that is doing this, you know, not them that, you know, is lazy, stupid. That is not you. That is not your true nature and it’s only a fear response and you really see that that’s just fear acting out to keep you safe. And it’s not about you. The shame just dissolves and melts away.

And I don’t know about you, Katie, but you know, shame ran my life for so many decades and that shame is the thing that kept me small, stuck, and you know, afraid. And when I could melt that shame away, I started having space and breathing room to start really occupying and owning my life in a more true way and real authentic way. And so, you know, so the first thing is, yes, grab my book, listen to the book.

The other thing that I would invite you to do is I actually…and Katie, I hope this is okay, but this is moving through me right now. So I hope you’re okay with this. But I would love to gift your folks an exercise called Stretch, Risk or Die that I mentioned earlier. And is that okay if I do that, Katie? I’m sorry, I didn’t ask you beforehand. It’s just coming through me. Is that all right?

Katie: Sure.

Rhonda: So go to fearlessliving.org, fearlessliving.org/risk. So fearlessliving.org/rsk R-I-S-K and I’m gonna, I just think this mini-course right now of Stretch, Risk, or Die really starting to see how fear kind of owns your decisions and start thinking of decisions differently. There’s worksheets in there, there’s, you know, three short videos in there and you can start doing an exercise immediately to start helping yourself. And I describe it in detail. It’s called Stretch, Risk, or Die. And it’s allowing you to start moving outside your comfort zone, and start moving in the direction of freedom, to start moving into the direction of the unknown. And again, I give you tons of resources in there, tons of templates, etc. So go to fearlessliving.org/risk, R-I-S-K, and I think this exercise is going to support you immediately. It’s one of my clients’ very favorite exercises, students’, very favorite exercises.

So I’d love to gift it to you right now in this time that we’re living in to help you start noticing, “Okay, this is why I’m not taking that Stretch, Risk, or Die. Okay, got it.” And now you can. And that’s the gift that I would love to support you with is saying yes to yourself, yes to that intuition, yes to your larger vision, yes to the true nature of who you are, yes to the person you were born to be. Because I do believe that all of us do have a destiny and fear is the only thing that stops that destiny from unfoldment. And I am committed to helping you, me, the world, live their destinies and fulfill their destinies. And so I don’t want fear to run your life anymore. I want you to run your life.

Katie: I love that. And I’ll make sure that all the links to everything we’ve talked about, including your books, and including that, are in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. And I think this is a perfect starting place for a lot of people and I know that people can find you and keep learning from you. But I appreciate your time in being here today and for all the work that you do for so, so many people.

Rhonda: Thank you, Katie. What a gift you are to the world. I’m so grateful I get to know you. Thank you.

Katie: Thank you, and thanks to all of you as always, for listening, for sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time, with both of us today. We’re so grateful that you did and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the ”Wellness Mama” podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.



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