Marisa Peer on Overcoming Limiting Beliefs


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Katie: Hello, and welcome to the “Valence Mama Podcast.” I’m from KatieWellensmama.com and Wellensy.com. At the same time it is healthy, my new line of hair care, toothpaste and other personal care products. Check them out at wellnesse.com. This episode is about changing limited beliefs, like ideas, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough. I’m not cute I’m here with Marissa Mon, the creator of the award-winning Rapid Transformation Therapy, which is really exciting and I get a new kind of therapy that really, really works fast ۔ He is also the founder of Iamenough.com. She has several books for sale and is a speaker and expert who speaks all over the world. And the reason I wanted to do that today is to really take a closer look at some of the treatments he does with people, both from the point of view that as adults we can restore these kinds of beliefs and In order to better understand the basic needs of children, how many of these problems arise in childhood when children do not feel safe or loved or important for various reasons? And as parents we can hope that we can protect our children from some of these. These losses. Sure, none of us are going to do that completely but she does give some really practical advice in which we as adults can give up some of these limited beliefs much faster than we thought and also How we can organize our children. The strong foundation is going into youth. So, a very interesting event. I learned a lot. I took note. You can really hear me a second to respond once or twice to this event. And that’s because I was writing notes. And all my notes and all the things he mentioned are in the show notes on Valence Mama.fm. If you want to learn from this, we will definitely start there. But without further ad, I can’t wait to share it with you. So let’s jump. Marissa, welcome. Thanks for coming here

Marissa: Thank you for inviting me. I am happy and honored to be here.

Katie: I’m so excited to share this with all of you listeners today because I think you have so much value that you bring, and especially to all women listening, just so many wise words. But to begin with, I’d love to hear from someone who isn’t already familiar with you, a little bit of your story and how you can be who you are and how you do it all. doing.

Marissa: Well, my story is that I always wanted to be a child psychologist, but I didn’t find it painful, painful, I got a job where you didn’t really get the results you wanted. And I’ve always been fascinated by human behavior all my life. And so I quit my child psychology training and went to work in LA to teach aerobics for Jane Fonda. And it made me really interested in the psychology of eating disorders, which led me to infertility. And the reason I have done so is something else. But I did not intend this career, but I have got it and I’m glad I did.

Katie: And I’ve read a little bit of your work and you have a lot of books out there. I will make sure we link to all of them. But I love the work you do, especially around limited beliefs. And that was the job that really helped me and was serious. So, for everyone who is not familiar, can you help us understand at a higher level what limited beliefs are?

Marissa: Yeah, I mean, you know, we all believed that our emotions ruled our behavior, but in reality it’s the other way around, our behavior governs our emotions. So, if you look at the law of control, our thoughts control our emotions, our emotions control our actions, and our actions control our events. So if you go after it, events, actions, feelings, it all starts with thinking. And it’s very easy to change your mind. For example, imagine that you are an unhealthy eater, and you try to overcome this by going to the gym or adding yourself to a really restrictive diet or from those who suppress your appetite, whatever you do. He is dealing with the treatment but to think that runs is not enough and I need more. Really with any addiction, if you’re addicted to alcohol and you treat alcoholism but not the basic feeling, I’m just not that good.

And so, when you can change your thinking, it can and does change your whole life. And that’s good news for a number of reasons. One, of course, is that you are free to change your mind. it’s very easy. It does not require hard work. It’s not like changing your body and putting on 600 sit-ups and plaques every day. And once you start doing that, it stops being what you are and who you really are. So it becomes a really powerful tool to try, to work hard and start living your life without disappointments. This does not mean that you will not do what you want, but it does mean that it is easier when you know and believe that you are worthy and deserving of it.

Katie: Yeah, I think of an example from my life that for many years, I had this script in my head that I was trying to lose weight, and if I just lost weight I would Will be happy or else I will love myself. And what I realized on my journey was that I could choose to change that belief, and to love myself, and to choose happiness at that moment. And then in fact it has become so much easier to do that which has led to weight loss because I was no longer fighting with myself. But I often think that for someone who is struggling, you mentioned some big problems, you know, eating disorders or alcoholism, things that are very serious problems, often realize that it It’s getting very difficult or it has to be very, very difficult. Difficult or difficult war or a difficult process. And I love it about your work because you really have the message that you said that these shifts still include work, but it’s not really, really difficult thing that Because we often make them. But I want to know what are some of the common beliefs that people follow? I know you think you have so much work that I’m not good enough and it seems surprisingly normal.

Marissa: Yes, it’s the most common. I would say at least a third, if not 50% of all my clients come in with the conviction, “I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not so cute. I’m not smart enough. Not so interesting.I’m not worth it.And behind the things like hoarding, forced shopping, addiction, destructive food, even blocks of wealth and blocks of love, you know, yourself Sabotage is born of the feeling that it is not enough. The good thing is, it is very easy to change it, because it is not true. No child is born thinking that they are not enough. Can be lifted very fast but we can also get rid of it very fast.

Katie: So, let’s go a little further. Like, what are some ways people can get started? I know you have programs specifically for all of them and I make sure we are connected to all of them. But I feel like when I first heard about it, I was a little in disbelief, like, could it really be that easy? Like, it sounds like it should be difficult.

Marisa: Yes, it’s very interesting because it’s such a misunderstanding that I’m always against it. Like, the doctor will say, “Well, this person has anorexia. It’s a very complex disease, so the treatment is complicated. This client has bipolar depression, it’s so complicated that the treatment must be complicated.” Has met people who say, you know, Blamex needs 40 sessions to get better. But I never believed it. But I’m sure many of us are having trouble. Yes, I have depression, I have anxiety, I have panic attacks, I have eating disorders, they are complicated, but the treatment does not have to be complicated if and when you can find out what is causing the problem and Be treated.

When you’re treating anxiety yourself, I’m trying to cure an eating disorder, or a compulsion, or an addiction, but what I’m doing is treating, then more It may take some time. But if I deal with the principle of behavior, if I go back to incompetence and treat it, it’s a different game. I mean, lately, you know, I can’t believe I’ve been denying myself love for years and years and years and years because of one thought. My thoughts have allowed me to deny myself love. And I did it all. I lost weight. I got a bit of tweeting here and there. I made a change, I joined a dating agency, I joined a dating app, and none of it worked. But when I decided I was in love, I found someone walking down the street to the bus stop.

Because that’s the way it is, you have to treat the source of the pain. It’s a bit like you go to the doctor and say, “I have a headache.” And he may say, “Well, you know, you have a headache because your ray is wrong in your back.” So now we know that the source of the pain is not the source of the problem. And if you say, “Yeah, I know that but I just want to take the headache pills. You can keep telling me that my spine is wrong and my hip is wrong but I’m spinal.” I insist on taking headache pills for anxiety, “We think, ‘Well, that’s crazy.’

But it’s the same thing. The source of your problems is usually not enough, I feel inadequate, I don’t like it, and you should treat it. And when you treat it, you fix all the other problems at once. And that’s why it’s easy because you’re treating the source and the root of the problem instead of the problem. And in source and root treatment, you also treat all off shots.

Katie: And it seems like there’s a lot in it … you mentioned… I love that line… I’ve read that your writing also says that newborns aren’t born with that idea They are not enough. So that’s obvious. Do you think that for most people, all or almost all of these things go back to childhood?

Marissa: Almost everyone goes back to childhood. I mean, a lot of scientific and medical studies say that our role is determined over a period of 5 years, some people say 7. I mean, Catholics say, “Give me a boy until he’s 5 and I’ll give you a man.” And I think Roman said 7, some will say 3. But we know; the renowned child psychologist knows that our childhood takes the form of our youth. And so, for example, if you go to Romania and adopt a 3-year-old and bring him back to Florida, and love him, and love him, that doesn’t mean he should It will be better because we have suffered so much in our early years.

And the biggest problem in our early years is that when we’re little, we don’t have that much need. I need to feel safe, it’s important. I need to feel loved I need to feel I care so you can take care of me. So as a small child, we have only a few needs. Safe, loving, important, important. And when these needs are not met, what happens is we don’t blame the parents. We blame ourselves. The child never stops loving the parents, they stop loving themselves. Well, “my needs aren’t being met, I don’t think I’m capable of it.” And they will never be met. And now the child becomes an adult who still believes, “No one will meet my needs. I’m not cute, I’m not good, I’m not even capable of that. “

And that’s a terrible tragedy because every child deserves love. No child says, “I will not cry because no one is coming. They will not ask me to feed them because I am greedy. I will not expect my parents to play with me because they are tired.” Believes, “I am capable of all of them.” And it is a pity that we think we have lost it, but we have not lost it, we have forgotten that we ever gained it. And that way you can return it all and very easily.

Katie: Yeah, I read a recent quote that got me completely off track. And he said, you know, “When you criticize your kids, they don’t stop loving you, they stop loving themselves.” And it really made me think a lot. And, by the way, to all of your things, going back to childhood, and when I’ve read your work, I’ve been able to see some of these patterns in my life. And I think from here, there are two kinds of questions. Many adults who listen are acknowledging some of these limited beliefs or, as such, do not like to feel or feel enough.

But also, the majority of listeners are parents. And so I always think when I hear things like, like, as a mother what can I do as a mother to help my children have the best foundation and the best mindset to go into adolescence? ? Certainly, I think all mothers, we do our best, and yet, our children probably have the things they need to work through. None of us are going to do it completely. But what can we do to give them the best foundation?

Marissa: Well, you know, all children need someday; I wish I knew when I was a parent, I didn’t know, I found out later. But what the kids need is you to be present with them. That’s all they want, you come with them. They really. Don’t want stuff. I mean, I’m not talking about 15-year-olds who want the latest gameboys and modern Nike. But little kids want you to be present. اور اگر آپ بچوں سے پوچھیں کہ ان کا خوش کن زون کیا ہے… میرے نزدیک ، میرے والدین کا فرانس کے جنوب میں ایک مکان تھا ، ہم ہر موسم گرما میں جاتے تھے۔ لیکن میری سب سے خوشی کی یاد ، بغیر کسی سوال کے ، میری دادی کے ساتھ بیری چن رہی تھی ، گھر کا جیم بنا رہی تھی ، یا جا رہی تھی ، جس کو ہم “گڑبڑ” کہتے تھے ، میں نہیں جانتا کہ ہم انہیں امریکہ میں کیا کہتے ہیں ، اور ایک خریدنا رسالوں کا اسٹیک ، اور جاکر ، مجھے لگتا ہے کہ یہ کار بوٹ فروخت کی طرح ہے۔

لہذا ، بچوں کی یادیں ہمیشہ پہیلیاں کھیلنا ، ساتھ کھانا پکانا کی طرح ہوتی ہیں۔ یہ واقعی ایسی چیزیں کرنے کے بارے میں نہیں ہے جس میں بہت سارے پیسوں کی لاگت آتی ہے۔ لہذا ان کے ساتھ موجود رہنا ان کی خود اعتمادی کو بڑھانا ضروری ہے۔ والدین کی حیثیت سے ، آپ کے بچے کی خود اعتمادی اس بات کی علامت ہے کہ آپ کتنے کامیاب ہیں یا نہیں۔ اور جب بچے اسکول جاتے ہیں تو یہ بہت مشکل ہوسکتا ہے ، اور ان کے بارے میں فیصلہ کیا جاتا ہے کہ وہ کس جماعت میں ہیں ، اور وہ کس طرح کی نظر آتے ہیں۔ والدین کی حیثیت سے یہ درست کرنا بہت مشکل ہے ، لیکن سب سے اہم بات یہ ہے کہ آپ اپنے بچوں کو خود پر اعتماد کریں ، انہیں صحت مند ، اعلی خود اعتمادی کے ساتھ بلند کریں۔

کیٹی: اور پھر والدین کے لئے ، میرا مطلب ایسا ہی ہے جیسے میں نے کہا ، میں نے ان میں سے کچھ چیزوں کو اپنے اندر تسلیم کرلیا ہے ، اور یہ وہ چیزیں ہیں جن کی میں نے اپنی زندگی میں کام کیا ہے۔ اور یقینا، ، میں سمجھتا ہوں کہ آپ لوگوں کے ساتھ جن چیزوں پر کام کرتے ہیں اس وقت بہت بروقت اور متعلقہ ہیں۔ اور یہ محدود عقائد ہماری بالغ زندگی کو بہت سارے مختلف طریقوں سے متاثر کرسکتے ہیں۔ آپ کے پاس ریپڈ ٹرانسفارمیشنل تھراپی نامی کوئی چیز ہے۔ کیا آپ اس کے بارے میں تھوڑا بہت اونچی سطح پر بات کر سکتے ہیں؟

اور پھر میں بھی اس پر تھوڑا سا مخصوص ہونا پسند کروں گا۔ کیونکہ ایک بار پھر حلقہ بندیاں کرنے ، اور اس خیال کو واقعتاing اجاگر کرنے کے ل I ، میں سوچتا ہوں کہ برسوں سے ، میں نے اپنی ضرورت سے زیادہ عمل اپنے آپ پر سخت کردیا کیونکہ مجھے توقع ہے کہ یہ مشکل ہوگا۔ میں نے سوچا کہ اس کے کام کرنے کے ل hard مشکل ہونا پڑے گا۔ اور ایک بار جب میں نے آخر کار احساس کرلیا کہ معاملہ ایسا نہیں ہے تو ، حیرت کی بات ہے کہ چیزیں کتنی تیزی سے منتقل ہوگئیں۔ لیکن ہمارے ساتھ چلیں کہ آپ لوگوں کے ساتھ تھراپی میں کس طرح کام کرتے ہیں تاکہ لوگ ، قسم کی ، صرف یہ سمجھ سکیں کہ چیزیں کس حد تک اور تیزی سے منتقل ہوسکتی ہیں۔

ماریسا: ہاں۔ ٹھیک ہے ، بہت سارے لوگ یہ مانتے ہیں کہ… میرا مطلب ہے ، مجھے بہت سے دوسرے لوگوں نے بتایا ہے ، الفاظ تیز اور تھراپی کے ساتھ ساتھ نہیں جانا چاہئے ، یہ تھراپی تیز نہیں ہے ، واقعی ، اس کی لمبائی اور تکلیف بھی بغیر کسی ضمانت کے آخر میں ایک قرارداد. لیکن علاج کا کوئی دوسرا ماڈل نہیں ہے جس میں یہ کہا گیا ہو کہ ، “مجھے اپنا تکلیف پہنچائیں اور ہم اس پر تبادلہ خیال کریں گے۔” کوئی دانتوں کا ڈاکٹر نہیں کہتا ہے “ہاں ، آپ کو بہت بری گہا مل گیا ہے۔ آئیں اور ہم ہر ہفتے آپ کے ساتھ بات چیت کریں گے ، اور جب آپ مجھ پر اعتماد کریں گے تو ہم کچھ کام کرنا شروع کردیں گے۔ کوئی ماہر امراض قلب ، کوئی ماہر امراض چشم نہیں کہتے ہیں ، “ہمیں ہر ہفتے آپ کے دل کی پریشانی یا آپ کی جلد کے مسئلے پر تبادلہ خیال کرنے کی ضرورت ہے اور ہوسکتا ہے کہ کچھ دیر بعد آپ کو بہتر محسوس ہو۔

تھراپی واحد ماڈل ہے جس میں کہا گیا ہے کہ ، “اپنے درد کو ختم کرو ، اور ہم اس پر تبادلہ خیال کریں گے ، اور ہم اپنی بحث و مباحثے میں ایک رشتہ قائم کریں گے ، اور پھر جب ہم آپس میں ایک دوسرے کے ساتھ تعلقات استوار کریں گے تو ہم شاید اس پر قابو پاسکیں گے۔ آپ کا درد اور آپ کی مدد یا اس کے ساتھ زندگی گزارنے میں آپ کی مدد کریں۔ ” اور یہ کسی معالج کی غلطی نہیں ہے لیکن لوگوں کو پیش کرنے کے ل such یہ ایک عجیب و غریب ماڈل ہے کیونکہ اگر آپ اپنا درد کسی اور کے پاس لاتے ہیں ، ایک ماہر ڈاکٹر ، ڈاکٹر ، دانتوں کے ڈاکٹر ، تو وہ اس درد کو اتنی جلدی جلدی کرتے ہیں جتنا ممکن ہو… اور کوئی بھی نہیں کہتا ER میں ، “مجھے کسی سرجن سے کام کرنے سے پہلے ان کے ساتھ تعلقات استوار کرنے کی ضرورت ہے۔” اکثر اوقات ہم ان سے کبھی بھی نہیں ملتے ہیں کیونکہ اس وقت تک ہم بے ہوشی کر چکے ہیں۔

اور اسی طرح ، میں تخلیق کرنا چاہتا تھا… میرا مطلب ہے کہ ، میرے پاس وہی ماڈل تھا ، جو مجھے آپ کی تکلیف پہنچاتا ہے اور مجھے آپ کے ل. اتنی تیزی سے ٹھیک کرنے دیتا ہے جتنا میں ممکن ہو سکے۔ اور اگر آپ فکسنگ میں حصہ لے سکتے ہیں تو اس سے بھی بہتر۔ لہذا لوگ ہر طرح کے درد کے ساتھ میرے پاس آتے ہیں جس کا آپ تصور کرسکتے ہیں ، جسمانی درد سے ، مائگرین سے ، یا چڑچڑاپن سے آنتوں ، یا پولیسیسٹک انڈاشی سنڈروم ، یا فبروومیالجیا۔ تو ہمیں حقیقی جسمانی تکلیف ہے۔ اور اب تقریبا 70 70 فیصد بیماریوں کی تشخیص سائیکوسوٹک کے طور پر کی گئی ہے ، جس کا مطلب ہے کہ سر درد بالکل حقیقی ہے ، اعصابی درد حقیقی ہے ، لیکن اس کی وجہ سے آپ کے جسم کے ٹوٹے ہوئے حصے نہیں ہیں ، بلکہ آپ کی سوچ کے ٹوٹے ہوئے حصے ہیں۔ اور یہ درست کرنا بہت آسان ہے۔

اور پھر ہمیں جذباتی پریشانیوں کا سامنا کرنا پڑتا ہے ، جن میں ایک جیسے جسمانی درد نہیں ہوتا ہے ، لیکن ان کے پاس دیگر مسائل ہیں۔ میں افسردہ ہوں ، افسردہ ہوں ، گھبراہٹ کے دورے ہیں۔ مجھ سے خود کو توڑنے والا سلوک ہے۔ میں خود تباہ کن ہوں۔ مجھے پیار نہیں ہے۔ اور ایک ہی بات ، چاہے آپ جذباتی درد میں ہو یا جسمانی درد ، آپ کو بہتر ہونے کے ل any کسی بھی وقت انتظار نہیں کرنا چاہئے۔ یہ فوری طور پر ہونا شروع ہونا چاہئے۔ لہذا آر ٹی ٹی نے فوری طور پر یہ دیکھنا شروع کیا کہ کیوں؟ لہذا ، جب ہم لوگوں کو تربیت دیتے ہیں تو ، ہم کہتے ہیں ، “دیکھو ، آپ کا پہلا کام جاسوس بننا ہے۔ اپنی جاسوس ٹوپی لگائیں اور معلوم کریں کہ یہ کب ہوا؟ کیا ہو رہا تھا؟ یہ مؤکل اچانک سنگین موٹا کیوں ہوگیا؟ یہ مؤکل سیدھے- A کے طالب علم سے ناکام ہونے تک کیوں گیا؟ اچانک اس مؤکل کو خوفزدہ حملے کیوں ہوئے؟

لہذا ہم جاسوس کی طرح معلومات اکٹھا کررہے ہیں ، کیوں اس کی وجہ معلوم کریں۔ اور بہت سے مؤکل کہتے ہیں ، “ٹھیک ہے ، تم جانتے ہو ، جب مجھے پتہ چلا کہ کیوں ، یہ اس وجہ سے ہے کہ جب میرے بچے تھے تب ہی میرے والد چلے گئے تھے۔ کیونکہ میری ماں پوری حمل میں روتی رہی۔ مجھے اندازہ نہیں تھا کہ میں نے اس کے لئے اپنے آپ کو ذمہ دار ٹھہرایا ہے۔ اور جس منٹ کی وجہ سے انہیں پتہ چل جاتا ہے ، وہ بہت بہتر محسوس کرتے ہیں۔ اور پھر سیشن کا دوسرا حصہ جاسوس بن کر تقریبا almost کسی دانتوں کے ڈاکٹر کی طرح منتقل ہو رہا ہے اور زہریلے مادے ، زہریلے عقائد ، زہریلے افکار ، زہریلے فیصلوں سے لوگوں کو ہٹا رہا ہے ، ان سے چھٹکارا پا رہا ہے اور ان کی جگہ کچھ اور بہتر بناتا ہے۔ اور پھر تیسرا اور آخری حصہ ایک کوڈر ہے۔ اور جس طرح کسی کوڈر کے تاروں سے کمپیوٹر بہتر سافٹ ویئر میں کام ہوتا ہے تاکہ اس کو بہتر انداز میں کام کیا جاسکے ، ہم اپنے موکلوں کو بہتر سافٹ ویئر لگاتے ہیں تاکہ وہ اپنے اوپر پیدا ہونے والے اعتماد کو دوبارہ متحرک کرنے کے ل themselves اپنے آپ پر اعتماد کریں لیکن وہ بھول گئے کہ ان کا کبھی وجود تھا۔

اور یہ بھی ، یہ ریکارڈ کیا گیا ہے ، جو ایک مؤکل کی بہت اہم بات ہے اسے ایک ایسی ریکارڈنگ دی جاتی ہے جو ذاتی نوعیت کی ہوتی ہے ، یہ کوئی عام نرمی نہیں ہے۔ یہ سیشن میں بنایا گیا ہے۔ یہ ان کے لئے بنائی گئی ریکارڈنگ ہے۔ کوڈنگ بٹ ریکارڈ کیا گیا ہے۔ موکل وہ گھر لے جاتا ہے۔ وہ اسے 20 دن تک کھیلتے ہیں کیونکہ آر ٹی ٹی ذہن کے اصولوں پر مبنی ہے۔ اور دماغ کے قواعد کہتے ہیں کہ دماغ دہرائی سے سیکھتا ہے۔ دماغ کے قواعد یہ کہتے ہیں کہ آپ کے خیال میں ہر سوچ کا یہ نقشہ ہے کہ آپ کا دماغ اور جسم حقیقی بنانے کے لئے کام کرتا ہے ، آپ میں سب سے مضبوط طاقت یہ ہے کہ آپ اس انداز سے کام کریں جس سے آپ اپنی تعریف کی طرح سے ملتے ہیں۔ اور یہ جذبات منطق سے کہیں زیادہ طاقت ور ہے۔ لہذا میں نے ذہن کے ان تمام قواعد کو اپنے ساتھ منسلک کیا ہے تاکہ ہمارے اپنے دماغ کے قواعد پر مبنی ایک تھراپی تشکیل دی جا that جو ہمارے دماغ کو نئے عقائد کو قبول کرنے کے ل make ، پرانے لوگوں کو بہت تیزی سے ، بہت تیزی سے چھوڑنے کے ل make۔

کیٹی: تو ان تین نکات پر عمل کرنے کے ل which ، جو مجھے پسند ہے کہ یہ واضح کٹ ہے ، لہذا ، آپ نے کہا کہ پہلا حصہ یہ معلوم کرنے کی کوشش کر رہا ہے کہ وہ کیوں اور کہاں سے آیا ہے۔ اور ایک مثال کے طور پر ، میں اپنے لئے جانتا ہوں ، میں بچپن میں کئی بار واپس گیا جہاں میں نے غلطی کی تھی یا کچھ اور گرایا تھا جس کی وجہ سے میری ماں نے چللایا تھا اور اندرونی طور پر محسوس کیا تھا کہ میں کافی اچھا نہیں تھا یا میں تھا۔ ہمیشہ غلطیاں کرنا یا جو بھی تھا۔ اور یہاں تک کہ صرف یہ پہچاننے کے قابل تھا کہ یہ وہیں سے آیا ہے اور اب اسے ماں کے نقطہ نظر کو بھی سمجھنے اور اس کا ازالہ کرنا ممکن ہے کہ اس کا مجھ سے کوئی تعلق نہیں ہے ، شاید یہ تھا کہ اس کا برا دن ہو رہا تھا یا اس پر زور دیا گیا تھا ، اور میں میں پوری طرح سے سمجھ سکتا ہوں کہ اب جب میں اسے مختلف انداز سے دیکھنے کے قابل تھا۔ لیکن کیا آپ کو یہاں تک کہ صرف لوگوں کو اشارہ کرنے اور اہل علم کے قابل ہونے کے بارے میں پتہ چلتا ہے کہ ایک بڑا قدم کیوں ہے؟

ماریسا: یہ ایک بہت بڑا قدم ہے کیوں کہ جب آپ چھوٹے ہوتے ہیں ، آپ جانتے ہو ، یہاں کسی بھی بچے کے لئے سچائی ہے ، جب آپ چھوٹے بچے ہوتے ہیں تو ، آپ کو ایک چیز معلوم ہوگی ، اگر آپ کے والدین آپ کو پسند کرتے ہیں تو آپ زندہ رہ سکتے ہیں۔ اس سے کوئی فرق نہیں پڑتا اگر آپ ایک بچ aے کے بچے ہیں ، ایک بچے کے کتے ، یا ایک بچ humanے انسان ، ہم صریح طور پر سمجھتے ہیں کہ اگر میرے والدین مجھ سے پیار کرتے ہیں تو ، میں اس کو بنانے والا ہوں۔ اور اس طرح جب ہمارے والدین ہم سے ناراض ہوجائیں اور ہم پر چیخیں اور چیخیں کیوں کہ ان کے اپنے معاملات ہیں ، ہم ہمیشہ یہ ہماری غلطی سمجھتے ہیں کیونکہ ہمیں لوگوں کو نظریہ بنانا ہوگا کہ ہمیں یقین ہے کہ ہماری بقا پر منحصر ہے۔

لہذا جب ماں آپ پر چیخ اٹھتی ہے ، والد بھاگ جاتے ہیں ، والد ماں کو چھوڑ دیتے ہیں ، جو کچھ ہو رہا ہے ، ایک بچہ باہر کام نہیں کرسکتا ، “اوہ ، آپ دیکھ رہے ہیں ، میرے والد شرابی ہیں۔ میری ماں کو افسردگی ہو گیا۔ میرے والدین کو کبھی شادی نہیں کرنی چاہئے تھی۔ سارا بچہ سوچ سکتا ہے ، “اوہ ، وہ مجھ سے پیار نہیں کرتے کیونکہ میں کافی نہیں ہوں۔” کیونکہ اپنے آپ کو قصور وار ٹھہرانا اس سے زیادہ محفوظ ہے کہ اس شخص پر الزام لگائیں جس سے آپ کی بقاء منحصر ہے۔ تو یہ کامل معنی رکھتا ہے۔ مسئلہ یہ ہے کہ ہم کبھی بھی ایسے مرحلے پر نہیں پہنچتے جہاں ہم سوچتے ہیں ، “اوہ ، ٹھیک ہے ، مجھے اب واپس جانے دو اور اسے دوبارہ ترتیب دینے کی وجہ سے مجھے ہمیشہ یہی لگتا تھا کہ میری غلطی میری ماں ناخوش ہے۔ اب میں سمجھ گیا ہوں کہ میری ماں نے بہت برا انتخاب کیا ہے۔ وہ تھوڑا سا شکار تھیں اور یہ میری غلطی نہیں تھی۔

ہمارے پاس دبانے کے لئے ری سیٹ کا بٹن نہیں ہے لہذا ہم یقین کرتے ہوئے زندگی میں گزرتے ہیں کہ یہ کیا ہونا چاہئے۔ اگر میری ماں ناخوش ہوتی اور وہ مجھ سے پیار نہیں کرتی تھی تو مجھ سے کون محبت کرے گا؟ آپ جانتے ہو ، میں نے دیکھا ہے کہ شہزادی ڈیانا کے ساتھ بہت کچھ ہے کیونکہ اس کی اپنی ماں چھوٹی ہونے پر چلی گئی تھی اور واپس نہیں آئی تھی۔ وہ ہمیشہ مانتی تھی ، “ٹھیک ہے ، اگر وہ مجھ سے پیار نہیں کرتی تھی تو ، مجھ سے کون محبت کرسکتا تھا؟” مارلن منرو کے ساتھ بھی یہی بات تھی۔ آپ دیکھتے ہیں کہ اگر آپ وِٹنی ہیوسٹن ، یا ایمی وائن ہاؤس ، یا ہیتھ لیجر ، اور یہاں تک کہ مائیکل جیکسن ، یا جارج مائیکل کو بھی دیکھتے ہیں ، جب بھی بچے کو والدین کی تعریف حاصل کرنے کے لئے کارکردگی کا مظاہرہ کرنا پڑتا ہے ، یا حاصل کرنا پڑتا ہے ، تو انہیں محبت کے لئے کام کرنا پڑتا ہے ، وہ یقین کریں گے ، “اوہ ، نہیں ، مجھے پیار نہیں ہے۔ مجھے اس کی کمائی کے لئے واقعی سخت محنت کرنی پڑتی ہے ، اور کسی بھی وقت اسے چھین لیا جائے گا۔ “اور وہ اس اعتقاد کی وجہ سے اکثر خود توڑ پھوڑ میں پڑ جاتے ہیں ،” میں جس طرح سے پیار نہیں کرتا ہوں۔ اگر میں کامل نظر آتا ہوں ، کامل کام کرتا ہوں ، کوئی کامل چیز تیار کرتا ہوں تو میں پیاری ہوں۔ “

کیٹی: واہ۔ یہ بہت سمجھ میں آتا ہے۔ لہذا ، ہم ، والدین کی حیثیت سے ، بچوں کو اندرونی نہ ہونے یا ایسا محسوس کرنے میں کس طرح مدد کرسکتے ہیں کہ وہ محبت کے قابل نہیں ہیں؟ کیونکہ یقینا there ایسے وقت آرہے ہیں جن کی علیحدگی یا طلاق ہو یا مشکل وقت گزرے ہوں اور ان کے بچوں کو بھی ان چیزوں سے گزرنا پڑے۔ کیا بچوں کی مدد کرنے کے طریقے ہیں؟

ماریسا: ہاں۔ اچھا سوال. والدین کے ل This یہ بہت اچھا ہے۔ تو سب سے اچھی بات یہ ہے کہ اس کا مالک ہو۔ آپ جانتے ہیں ، تمام والدین ، ​​یقینا certainly میں ، میرا مطلب ہے ، میں نے بہت ، بہت بار گڑبڑا کیا۔ آپ جانتے ہو ، میں اپنے ہی مسائل کے ساتھ ایک اکیلا والدین تھا ، یقینا ، میں نے اپنے بچے پر چیخ چیخ کر کہا تھا اور ایسی باتیں مجھے کبھی بھی نہیں کرنی چاہئیں تھیں کہ مجھے ہمیشہ پچھتاوا رہوں گا۔ لیکن ایک کامل والدین بننا بہت مشکل ہے۔ آپ اپنے بچوں کے ساتھ جو کچھ کرسکتے ہیں وہ باہر جاکر یہ کہتے ہیں ، “آپ جانتے ہو ، پیاری کیا ہے؟ امی آج بہت اچھی نہیں تھیں۔ ماں تم سے پیار کرتی ہے۔ ماں کی… یہ آپ کی غلطی نہیں تھی۔ آج کی ماں عجیب تھی۔ آج ماں کو بہت پریشانی تھی اور مجھے آپ کو اس کا بٹ نہیں بنانا چاہئے تھا۔ اور وہ سمجھتے ہیں۔ میں اپنی چھوٹی بچی سے کہا کرتا تھا ، “تم جانتے ہو ، پیاری ، آج ماں کی اس کی مدت تھی اور وہ تھوڑا سا راٹی تھا۔” اور ایک دن اس نے کہا ، “ماں ، مجھے لگتا ہے کہ آج میری ٹیچر کا دورانیہ تھا کیونکہ وہ بہت مہربان نہیں تھیں۔”

لہذا اس نے یہ سب اس کے دماغ میں کر لیا کیونکہ میں ہمیشہ معافی مانگتا ، “یہ میری غلطی تھی۔ مجھے یہ نہیں کرنا چاہئے تھا۔ مجھے اس طرح کا ردعمل ظاہر نہیں کرنا چاہئے تھا۔ ” میرے پاس ہوسکتا ہے… اس نے مجھ سے کہا ، وہ جاتی ہے “ماں ، ایسا محسوس نہیں ہوتا جب آپ مجھ سے اس گندی آواز میں بات کرتے ہو تو مجھ سے پیار کرتے ہو۔” کیونکہ میں کہہ رہا تھا ، “آؤ ، جلدی کرو۔ میں آپ سے پیار کرتا ہوں لیکن آپ کو جلدی کرنا ہے۔ ” اور وہ بیوقوف بچے نہیں ہیں لیکن وہ آپ سے کامل ہونے کی توقع نہیں کرتے ہیں ، وہ صرف آپ سے توقع کرتے ہیں کہ آپ ان پر یہ نہ کہیں کہ ، “یہ میری غلطی تھی۔ آپ جانتے ہیں ، مجھے آپ پر چیخنے کا کوئی حق نہیں ہے کیوں کہ ہم ہوائی اڈے سے گزر رہے ہیں یا بس کے لئے بھاگ رہے ہیں ، یا سب کچھ غلط ہوگیا ہے ، میں نے رات کا کھانا چھوڑ دیا ، یا میں نے اسے جلا دیا ، میں نے کچھ توڑ دیا ، مجھے پیچھے نہیں ہونا چاہئے اور آپ کو چیخ دو کیونکہ یہ آپ کی غلطی نہیں تھی۔ اور یہاں تک کہ اگر یہ بات تھی ، تو آپ جانتے ہو ، اگر آپ نے کچھ توڑ دیا تو آپ صرف ایک بچ areے ہیں۔ میرا مطلب ہے ، وہ ایسا کرتے ہیں۔ وہ آپ کے قالین پر کیل وارنش لے کر آتے ہیں اور ہر طرح کی چیزیں کرتے ہیں جسے آپ پسند نہیں کرتے ہیں۔

لیکن جب تک آپ اس کے مالک ہوسکتے ہیں اور کہہ سکتے ہیں کہ ، “میں نے آج اسے بہت اچھا نہیں سنبھالا۔ مجھے بہت افسوس ہے ، “انہیں یہ پسند ہے کیونکہ اس سے وہ یہ سمجھنے دیتے ہیں کہ دوسرے لوگ اسے سنبھال نہیں پائیں گے۔ اس استاد کا برا دن ہوسکتا ہے ، دوست… اور ، یقینا course ، بچے بھی اسے ایک دوسرے پر نکال دیتے ہیں۔ وہ اس سے نفرت نہیں کرتے ہیں کہ کچھ بچ theirہ کھلونا ٹرک اٹھا کر اس کے سر کے ساتھ اسے توڑ دیتے ہیں۔ تو وہ سمجھتے ہیں کہ یہ کامل پولیئن نہیں ہے۔ لیکن اپنے بچے سے معافی مانگتے ہوئے ، یہ کہتے ہوئے کہ ، “آپ کو اس کا حقدار نہیں تھا۔ میں لائن سے باہر تھا۔ مجھے ایسا نہیں کرنا چاہئے تھا ، “اس سے وہ خود کو مورد الزام ٹھہرانے لگتے ہیں ، جو آپ کے بچوں میں تار تار کرنا چاہتے ہیں۔ یہ میری غلطی تھی۔

آپ دیکھتے ہیں ، یہاں تک کہ جو بچے بھی زیادتی کا نشانہ بنتے ہیں ، وہ ہی دل دہلا دینے والی بات ہے ، زیادہ تر پیڈو فائلز کسی بچے کو کہتے ہیں ، “آپ کو یہ مطلوب تھا۔ آپ جانتے ہو ، جب آپ اپنی بکنی میں گھوم رہے تھے یا اپنی نائٹی میں گھس رہے تھے ، “یا آپ بہت خوبصورت ہیں ، یا آپ بہت پیارے ہیں ، تو آپ یہ چاہتے تھے۔” اور وہ سمجھ نہیں پائے کہ ، “نہیں ، میں نے نہیں کیا” ، کیوں کہ یہ کہنا آسان ہے کہ کسی بچے کو یہ باور کرنا ان کی غلطی ہے۔ اور اس ل you آپ کو اپنے بچوں کو جانے کے لئے دینا پڑے گا ، “نہیں ، یہ میری غلطی نہیں ہے۔ میں نے اس کی وجہ نہیں کی۔ مجھے قصور وار نہیں ٹھہرانا۔ ” اور یہ بھی ، جب آپ اپنے بچے کے پاس جاکر یہ کہہ سکتے ہو کہ ، “آپ کو معلوم ہے ، آج ، والد صاحب واقعی لائن سے باہر تھے اور میں نے بچے کی طرح سلوک کیا۔ میں اپنا غصہ کھو گیا۔ میں ایک بچہ تھا. آج تم مجھ سے زیادہ ہوشیار تھے۔ یہ کیا کرتا ہے اس سے وہ جاسکتے ہیں اور کہتے ہیں ، “ماں ، میں نے اسے کھو دیا ، میں نے اداکاری کی۔ میں نے آج واقعی کچھ غلط کیا ہے ، “کیوں کہ آپ نے انہیں یہ دیکھنے کی اجازت دی ہے کہ انہیں کامل ہونا ضروری نہیں ہے اور آپ نہیں ہیں ، تو وہ آپ کے پاس آسکتے ہیں اور کہہ سکتے ہیں…

میری بیٹی ایک دن گھر آئی تھی جب وہ تقریبا 13 13 سال کی تھی اور کہا ، “ماں ، میں نے اپنے دوست کے بھائی سے خوفناک بات کی۔ اس نے بیس بال کی یہ سب ٹوپیاں ایک دکان میں چوری کیں اور اس نے مجھے ایک دے دیا اور میں یہ نہیں چاہتا تھا۔ مجھے نہیں معلوم تھا کہ میں کیا کروں۔ ” اور میں کہتا ہوں ، “ٹھیک ہے ، یہ اچھی بات ہے جو آپ نے مجھے بتایا ہے۔” اور میں ہمیشہ کہتا ہوں ، “آپ کو کبھی بھی سچ بولنے کی سزا نہیں ملے گی ، یہاں تک کہ اگر آپ واقعی کوئی غلط کام کرتے ہیں۔” اور میں نے کہا ، “آپ کو معلوم ہے کہ آپ کے پیٹ میں یہ احساس ہے ، یہ ایک ایسا احساس ہے جو اچھا نہیں ہے اور آپ کو صرف اس سے کہنا پڑتا ہے ،” نہیں ، آپ کا شکریہ۔ “

یا ، آپ جانتے ہیں ، اگر وہ 15 سال کا ہے ، آپ 11 سال کے ہیں ، اور آپ کو شرمندگی محسوس ہوتی ہے ، تب آپ جانتے ہیں ، جب آپ گھر پہنچیں گے ، آپ نے ٹھیک کام کیا ، آپ نے ماں سے کہا ، “مجھے یہ بیس بال کی ہیٹ نہیں چاہئے۔ مجھے اسے قبول کرنے میں بہت برا لگا۔ لہذا آپ انھیں زیادہ سے زیادہ یہ دیکھنے کی اجازت دے سکتے ہیں کہ وہ کامل بننے کی ضرورت نہیں آپ کی غلطیوں کے مالک ہونے اور کامل بننے کی کوشش نہ کرنے سے ہی آتے ہیں۔ اور سب سے خراب بات یہ ہے کہ جب والدین کہتے ہیں ، “کیا آپ جواب نہیں دیتے ہیں۔ Don’t you have an opinion. Don’t shout. Don’t cry. I’ll give you something to cry about.” That’s very confusing for a child. You get angry when they’re angry. And they get punished for being angry, but you’re allowed to be angry. So that’s really confusing for them. And let them have an opinion because when they get to 14 or 15, you know, you want your kids to be able to have an opinion against a bully or somebody who’s gonna pressurize them to have sex or drink or smoke. But if you never let them have an opinion with you, then how are they ever going to do that? You’re the first person they’re going to learn to debate and argue with.

Katie: That is such a great point. It’s one I’ve definitely not done perfectly, but I have tried to do. My oldest is now 14. And even from the time he was little, I would encourage them to ask questions. And I remember when he was really little, maybe like 3, I said, “You know, always ask questions if you’re curious. And if you don’t understand something or something doesn’t make sense, always question it.” And he said, “Even you?” And I said, “Even and especially me because I’m here to help you learn.” But I think you’re right, so often that gets suppressed with kids. And it’s been amazing to watch him now, largely, even though he’s 14, like an adult at this point, and how responsible he is and to see our relationship shift. And like I said, I don’t think I’ve done it perfectly by any means but that’s something I’m glad I did from a very young age with them.

And another thing I’ve tried to always say to them every day, I have six kids, so I say it a lot but that, “I love you unconditionally. There’s nothing you can ever do to reduce that and there’s nothing you can ever do or need to do to increase that either.” Because I feel like I didn’t get that second part very much as a kid. I knew that my parents loved me but I always felt like I had to earn approval or that it was tied to my achievements. And I wanted to, hopefully, help my kids know that they never had to earn that, that it would always be there.

Marisa: And it’s such a beautiful thing because, you know, so many adults have this belief, I need to earn love. I need to work for love. I need to chase love. I need to be really good. I need to have things snipped off or injected in and I need to, you know, add stuff to myself. And that just isn’t true. Love is just there and you don’t have to earn it, work for it, or run after it. And so saying to a child, “You know, I love you and you don’t ever have to earn my love and there’s nothing you could do to make me love you more and there’s nothing you can do to make me love you less. If you mess up, you know, I won’t be pleased but I’ll be there.”

Because, you know, some parents say to their kids, “If you get pregnant, don’t ever come home. If you take drugs, you’re out of this house.” And they say it to scare them but imagine if your child of 14 takes drugs and feels they can never come home, then where do you think they’re going to go? It’s much better for you to say, “I don’t want you to take drugs, I don’t want you to get pregnant, but whatever is going on, you will never get punished for telling the truth.” And I remember my little girl when she was little said, “Mommy, I’ve got green nail varnish all over the carpet and I know you won’t punish me because I just told you the truth.” And I said, “Well, I’m very upset you did that, but I won’t.” And she said, “Mommy, it’s such a relief. I’ve been so scared to tell you.” But I knew in that moment it was a test. Should I get really angry or shall I do…?

I gave her my word, you will never be punished for telling the truth. And, you know, all kids do crazy things. And you can’t always stop them, but you can be there to mop them up. And, you know, I had my daughter’s friends turning up at my house, having been thrown out of their own house because their mother found contraception in their bag or in one case the morning after pill. And you have to be a safe place for your children when they’re going through rough times because the last thing you want is them to go to someone else’s house because they can’t talk to you.

Katie: Yeah, that’s such a good point. We’ve kind of become that place for a lot of my kids’ friends as well and I’m so grateful to be that place. I’d always said when they were young, I hope to be the place where all the kids feel comfortable coming to hang out and that they also feel like they can talk to me. But it does make me sad as well when kids will talk to me, but not their own parents. And I always try to encourage them to open the lines of communication with their parents.

Marisa: Of course. And so many of them are just so scared of being judged. I mean, you know, I work with infertility a lot and I always take people back to why they can’t conceive. And you’d be amazed at how many women go back to this classic scene, “I’m 15 or 14 and I think I’m pregnant. My dad will absolutely kill me. My parents will be furious. They’ll disown me. They’ll kick me out of the house or they’ll be so upset I’ve let them down.” And that doubt they have with themselves, “This is the worst thing ever, this is a nightmare, this is a disaster, this is shame,” that feeling of horror they feel thinking they’re pregnant becomes the first block. The mind says, “Oh, you don’t wanna have a baby.” And 15 years later, when they’re happily married to some great guy, the mind is still acting off this old belief it would be a nightmare, a disaster, the worst thing ever to have a baby.

Because the mind is always listening. Every word you say is picked up by the mind. And unexplained infertility is a fascinating thing because it’s unexplainable. Explainable infertility means, well, your fallopian tubes are blocked. You haven’t got any eggs, your womb lining is too thin, your husband’s sperm swims backwards and there’s not much of it. But unexplained means everything is perfect but you have some blocking belief. And it always often starts at the first thoughts you have about having a baby. Having a baby when we’re teenagers or we’re not married or even beyond that, “Oh, this boy is gonna reject me now. He’ll think I’ve trapped him. It’s a sense of shame. I don’t want this at this time in my life.” Because the mind is always listening and the words we form, a blueprint that we react to 15 years after the event has come and gone.

Katie: Wow. That’s really drastic. And okay, so you said the second step is that you remove these pain points or you remove these blocks. Can you walk us through just a high level of how that happens or how you do that?

Marisa: Yeah. So, I’ll give you a very good example, I was thinking about a particular client. So I had a particular client, who’s an Arabic girl, very nice, came from a very religious family, where the father’s word was everything. And she was dating a white boy and thought she was pregnant. And of course, her parents would have just been horrified. It would have been awful. And so when she thought she was pregnant, she went into absolute terror, and stress, and anxiety, and in the end, arranged privately to have a termination they never knew about and carried all the guilt about that. And now, 15 years later, she’s 30-something, she’s got a lovely husband from the same Arabic like her, parents adore him, adore her, long need to be grandparents, but she can’t get pregnant because of this memory.

So, the first thing we do is go back, people don’t always know about the moment, we go back to why? Let’s find out why you can’t conceive, up comes this memory. And when she describes it, she’s crying, her lip’s trembling. She’s really feeling the terror, the shame, the anxiety, the stress, the worry, the uncertainty, and then more shame after she has this termination, the fear that when they find out, they’ll disown her because she’s no longer this perfect little girl that they think she is. And now, we go to 15 years later where she’s got a lovely husband and her parents will be running up and down the ward elated when they know she’s having a baby. It will be their much-wanted grandson or grandchild.

So, to separate it, I make my client say, “That’s not me. That girl of 15 who’s crying and going up to London to have a secret termination and has got secret papers, that’s not me. If I say to my parents, ‘Oh, I’m pregnant,’ they will be crying with happiness, it’s all they want.” So it’s the ability just separate then from now. Yes, when that was me, I was 15 and I did some silly things but I had only been on the planet for 15 years. I didn’t know then what I know now. I was acting with a life experience of a 15-year-old, very different to a 32-year-old. It’s not me. So, you have to look at the scene then and the scene now and see the difference because most people look at the scene and they see the comparison. You see, I wasn’t loved when I was 2 and here I am, I’m 32 and I still can’t find love. Every guy I meet dumps me. Everything goes wrong.

So, a lot of people look at how it’s the same. I was stupid at school, I still feel stupid. I felt ugly at school, I still feel ugly. I wasn’t the smartest kid and now I’m scared to ask for something because I don’t feel smart. And it’s very important to not look at what is the same but to look at what is the difference because that’s another rule of your mind, whatever you look for, you can find. So, they have to go through this first thing, that is not me because, and that can’t be me because, and that will never be me ever again because…And once they’ve been able to really identify what is different rather than what is the same, they’re ready to go on to the final step, which is convincing the mind that in her case, she’s ready to have a baby, that she’s gonna be an amazing mother, that everything is perfect. And she couldn’t have been an amazing mother at 15 but she can be an amazing mother today. So, it’s looking at what’s different, making sense of it, and then becoming free of it. And all of those things are, kind of, equally important.

Katie: How does a person start to go about that? Like, you call it coding, giving a new software. I also think of this in relation to the earlier question of programming our kids, hopefully, in a good way, and you’ve given some great tips for that. But once a person recognizes the problem and they know what the pain point is to remove, what does that look like to rewire or recode the brain and how long does that process take?

Marisa: I mean, it can be almost immediate. The only reason I call it coding is people…you know, we live in a…We use the word, like, hacks, and you could call it something else, like having a conditioning recording. I’ve got a hypnotic conditioning audio to play. But you see, if your computer has a bug, you know that the computer has slowed down. And then when you take it to somewhere, they take out the bug, they put in your software, they upgrade it really, and then it works perfectly. And rather like a computer, we get bugs in our thinking that slow us down, dim our potential, dim our light. And just like the best software person, we just have to take those bugs out and upgrade our own thinking.

And so, upgrading your thinking really works like this. You need to look at the thoughts you think. For example, “I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel important enough. I think I don’t matter.” Where does that come from? Without a doubt, a little child. Well, why did you think those thoughts? Well, because my mom said she wanted a boy and I was the third girl or she didn’t really want to have a baby or, you know, my dad left her and it ruined her life. And so, I thought these beliefs that I didn’t matter but I was 4 years old, I came to conclusions when I’d been on the planet for four years. And that’s okay because any kid at 4 would have thought what I thought but now I’m 44, it will never again be relevant or necessary, appropriate. It wouldn’t even be interesting to think what I thought when I was 4. So that’s how you start to change the software. You say, “I thought that when I was 4…”

It’s a bit like if I went to the store with my mother when I was 4 and I got lost in the shop, I probably would have wet my pants and cried. But at 32, I’d sit down and wait for her to page me or I’d call her on the mobile. You know, I’ve never lost my daughter in an airport but I remember being in an airport, funny enough it was in Florida, and I see this little boy in the plane, and he walked past me on his own, and I grabbed his hand and said, “Stay with me.” And about five minutes, this mom came running around the corner hysterical, and she recognized, she said “Thank you so much for holding onto him.” And for her it was terror. But imagine 20 years pass and she’s at the airport with that little boy of 2 and she loses him, she’s not gonna cry or run around the airport hysterical. So she’s gonna page him or call him or say, “Well, I’ll just go to the gate because he knows which plane we’re getting so I’m sure he’ll make his own way to the gate,” which they do.

So, the belief that if you lost your mother at 17 and you cry hysterically, just like you would at 2, is something nobody would do. And you just tell these stories to recognize that how you behave at 2 is called age-appropriate. It’s the end of the world when your mom shouts at you or screams at you. And I remember coming out of the store not long ago and I saw something, I really hate to see this but I’ve seen it a little bit, which is a mother pretending to leave her kid in the car park and drive off without him. First of all, it was so dangerous because she just drove away and he was screaming. She knew she was coming back but she was playing a game and he had no idea what the rules of the game were, which is I stand on the pavement and cry, you come back, I get in the car, and I promise never to do that again.

But I don’t understand this game because I’m only 2, and it’s not a game to me, “My mom is leaving me forever because she doesn’t like me because I’m not good.” And so, these are the rules that we expect children to play and they don’t understand the rules. And so, now, all these years later is this 2-year-old kid who was left in the store still has this belief, “Well, my wife will leave if I’m not good. My friends will leave if I’m not good. I’ve gotta be good all the time because if I’m not good, people just abandon me.”

And so that’s the difference that what we feel when we’re 2, we suffer when we’re 32 because we still don’t quite understand the rules. And that’s why we shouldn’t play games with other people. We should be very honest. Never threaten to leave a relationship unless you really want to leave. Don’t go, “Well, I’ll walk out if you do that. I’m leaving if you do that. I’m off if you do that.” Because it’s so unfair. You know, I mean, I love my husband, he loves me, we have issues, but I would never, ever say, “If you do that, I’m off.” Because I’ve seen too many people do that to their children and indeed, to their partners, when, you know, they even pack the case and walk out of the door when they have no intention of leaving them. But the pain they cause other people who don’t understand the rules is very unfair.

Katie: That’s such a clear way of explaining it. And especially with kids, I mean, I think that analogy is perfect and really, really important. And I also think, like, this is something I’ve noticed in my life, and I’m probably still working on, is I for a long time felt like I needed to, like, do everything for everyone else all the time and I would go out of my way to help people or to get things for people. And I don’t think that was inherently a bad thing but I can also recognize that it largely came from that idea that I wasn’t lovable or good enough on my own, and so that I was only valued for what I did for other people or my achievements. And so even if the actions themselves were good, maybe the motivation behind them wasn’t quite so healthy.

And I love that quote that, “Whatever you look for, you’ll find.” And I think of that in our relationships or any interaction, I heard it explained one time, you know, if you have the idea that you’re not likable, you’re gonna find proof of that in all of your interactions. It might be the way someone looks at you, whether they don’t respond quickly enough, or whatever it may be, when really, the reality of that might be that they have something else going on, or they’re busy, or it has nothing to do with you at all. But when we look for that, we’re gonna find it. And I guess I, kind of, relate that to that we’ve become what we think about and the question that we ask ourselves.

Like, as an example of my own life, when my internal questions used to be like, why can’t I lose weight, why is this so hard for me, my brain would answer those questions with all of the ways I couldn’t lose weight and why it was so hard. And when I shifted my thinking and stopped asking those questions and started asking better questions, it became so much easier to do that. Is that, kind of, the same idea as this is like retraining those patterns and questions internally?

Marisa: Your mind will answer any question you give it. So, why can’t I find anything? Well, because I’ve got a memory like a sieve. You have to ask a different question. How can I always find where things are? So, if you give your mind a better question, what could I do to have the body I want? What could I do to have the love I want or the family life? What could I do? Your mind will go ahead and find something real. If you say why do my relationships always go wrong, it will just look for something random like, “Well, you’re not lovable enough.” So you gotta be very clear with how you…again, it’s the computer…you have to ask your mind very, very specific questions.

If you’re searching on Google, you’re asking a question, you know, for instance, I was looking at Google yesterday to see which countries are now shutting out the U.K. because of this virus. But I was getting answers from May because I hadn’t put in the date in December. So that’s a silly thing. But when you ask a question on Google, if you don’t put in exactly the date you’re looking for the question, you’ll get the right answer, but from three years ago. And often we do this, “Oh, you know, I’ve just realized this article is out of date.” But it’s very much the same thing with your mind when you ask it questions. Make sure it understands the question so clearly.

So here’s a question, I want love. Well, okay, you want love but do you want it for an hour? Do you want it for an evening? Do you want it for the rest of your life? You gotta be really clear, what kind of love do you want? You know, a night of passion or something different? I want money. Well, how much money do you want and how do you want to get that money? Do you want to earn it by doing something amazing that will make you feel you’re doing good in the world, you can earn money while you sleep, or do you want to get money by any means necessary? So, our mind will always answer questions, but we have to be careful to give it the right questions that it can answer for us because it will be our ally and our best friend. And we’re so much wanting to get what we want when we ask the mind in a much more specific way.

Katie: And you have programs very specific to this. Can you talk a little bit about that and how people can find those and know which one that they should start with?

Marisa: Sure. Well, we have a lot of programs free. If you go to marisapeer.com, we have audios on wealth wiring, love wiring. So we have audios that are designed to locate and then dismantle your money blocks or love blocks or health blocks or success blocks. So there’s plenty of those. They’re all completely free. We don’t ask for your card. You can just take those. So if you want some free stuff to help you be the best you can be, go to marisapeer.com. If you want to learn how to do RTT, it is an amazing therapy. It really is taking the world by storm. It’s won so many awards. And you don’t have to have any background in therapy to train with us. If you want to know how to do what I do, go to rtt.com. Indeed, you can find there how to work with someone like me in your area because we train people all over the world.

And if you want to just really work on joining the “I am Enough” movement, knowing how to put that in your life, we have fridge magnets, little bracelets, and all kinds of things that we give away over on iamenough.com. So iamenough.com, marisapeer.com, rtt.com, take your pick. But do join the “I am Enough” movement, even if it just means that you are writing on your fridge in fridge magnets, saying it when you clean your teeth, writing it on your mirror in liner or marker pen. I really recommend that small statement can be absolutely life-changing and is to so many people.

Katie: Yeah, and we’ve incorporated that in our house. We’ve been building out what I call a culture wall in our hallway. And it has a lot of our family mottos like, “You were made to do hard things,” and, “Happiness is a choice and a skill,” and, “Ask hard questions,” things like that. And that’s one that we’re adding as well is, “I am enough,” so the kids see it every day. That’s been a fun project to work on together as a family. And I’ll make sure I link to the show notes at wellnessmama.fm to all of the programs that you’ve mentioned and to all of those websites so people can find those and keep learning from you.

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Another question I’d love to ask toward the end of interviews is, other than your own, if there is a book or a number of books that have had a profound impact on your life, and if so what they are and why?

Marisa: Gosh, so many books. That’s a hard thing to pick. Well, and actually, I remember when I was a kid, I read “Tess of the d’Urbervilles” by Thomas Hardy. He was my favorite writer. And I loved that because he was describing this girl and he said, “You know, her eyes are not blue or brown and her lips are lopsided and wonky. And her imperfections made her perfect.” And I love “Jane Eyre” because I loved that quote when she says, “You know, I’m small and plain but I feel in love and passion just as if I was tall and beautiful.” And so, I love quotes from books. And Thomas Hardy wrote about this girl and he said, “She was a little more sinned against than sinning.” And I thought that was such a beautiful quote.

But my favorite quote, which comes from a medical doctor’s book is this, “It’s the feeling that cannot find its expression in tears and will cause other organs to weep.” And so I read his book, I was at Maudsley Hospital, and that was a guy called Henry Maudsley, who was an eminent psychiatrist. And I was looking in his diaries, and there was that quote, and that was probably the best book I’ve ever read because he just nailed that in one with that amazing moving expression. If we all could know that, because what he’s saying is something and I say to people, and I say, “Look, you can choose to speak about yourself however you like. It’s free. You can choose to be super negative.” Like, you’re saying to your children, happiness is a choice. There’s no terminal you arrive at called happiness. It’s the journey you’re on every day.

So you can choose to be negative or you can choose to be happy but what you can’t choose is what you do to your body when you’re negative. If you could look in your body and see what you do to it when you’re negative, you would stop thinking negative thoughts because they have to come out somewhere, and they come out in asthma, and eczema, and dermatitis, and nervous habits. And so I love books, all books that show people that, you know, your word is everything. I say to my clients, “If I could say abracadabra and you tell me what you want, I’m gonna do my very best to give you what you want.” And then I discovered after me saying that word for years that abracadabra is Hebrew for “my words create,” as I speak, I create. And I didn’t even know that but I’ve been using that word for years and years and then I realized what I was saying.

So I love all books that have the magic of words and quotes. And even Roald Dahl who you all know as a children’s writer said, “The thing that makes you beautiful is kindness. If you’re a kind person, you’ll be beautiful, and if you’re not kind, you won’t be beautiful.” And he also said, “Only those who believe in magic get to see it and experience it.” And I love that because it’s so true.

Katie: Such beautiful quotes. I really love that one, “The feeling that cannot find its expression in tears may cause other organs to weep.” And that speaks to a lot of the things you mentioned in this of how those things can physically express in the body and reminds me also of the book, “The Body Keeps The Score” and how…

Marisa: Oh yes, I love that book, “Body Keeps Score,” and I love also “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.” And another great book called “It’s All in Your Head.”

Katie: I am writing these down. I’m gonna…The two you just recommended, those are new to me. I cannot wait to read them. But Marisa, like I said in the beginning, I really appreciate the work that you’re doing. I think it’s really profound and helpful. And especially for women and many women listening, I think it’s really gonna be a dramatic, hopefully, help to them and also very helpful for me. I love your advice on how we can help our kids and hopefully give them a strong foundation with this view of limiting beliefs as possible as they go into adulthood. Do you have any parting advice for the listeners today on the best starting place for all of this or someone who’s maybe recognizing that they have some of these limiting beliefs or they’re struggling with some of these things, the best advice for getting started?

Marisa: Well, I have a very simple book called “I Am Enough,” I mean, I think it costs $10. And if you go to iamenough.com, we give away chapters of it. But even though I’m promoting my own book here, it’s because I wrote that book as a, kind of, manual to help anyone who feels not enough. I have it in schools, I have it in some prisons actually, and a lot of parents use it. And so, it talks you through how to go from feeling not enough to knowing with unshakable certainty that you’re enough. And so, I would really recommend just that because it’s so easy and it’s so simple. Because there’s that thing, again, it has to be complicated. It really doesn’t change. It can be easy becoming the best you could ever hope to be.

I mean, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my entire life. And I only wish I’d known when I was going through it that it was easy, you know, the breakups and being kicked out of college and all the trauma we go through when we’re finding our way in life. If only I’d known that change is actually easy, it doesn’t have to be painful, or hard or sad, or it doesn’t even have to be a struggle, but we’re told, life is struggle, life is difficult, life is hard. And I sometimes wonder why we tell people that when it doesn’t even have to be true.

Katie: I think that’s a perfect place to wrap up. But like I said, I’ll make sure that all of the links you mentioned are in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm so people can continue to learn from you. And I’m so grateful for your time today and for all the work that you’re doing. Thank you for being here and for sharing.

Marisa: Well, thank you. And I have to say, six children, I just take my hat off. I’m just trying to imagine how you would fit that into your life. I envy people that have got lots of children. I’m sure you do it beautifully but that’s an amazing job that you’re doing too.

Katie: Oh, thank you. And thanks to all of you as always for listening, for sharing your most valuable resource, your time, with both of us today. We’re so grateful that you did, and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the “Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.



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